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Do I want children or not
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Please bare with me, after much searching this has been the only forum I've found that I think may be able to help me! And it's a long one....
I've been with my boyfriend now for about 6 years, Im 29 he's 41, sounds like a big gap but we really are very VERY compatable. We met through work and sometimes can spend 24 hours a day 7 days a week together... and maybe only one bicker occurs! Usually over what to put on sandwiches. He has 2 grown up children from his previous marriage, and now a grandhild also. We've been through a LOT, bankruptcy being one, and i truely couldnt see my life course without him. Soulmates etc etc!
We have always glossed over the children topic, I have never pushed it being too worried about hearing something i dont like. But the conversation has reared its ugly head because I've had feelings it might be time.
Dont get me wrong, I've never wanted children before. But recently my Nan, who was much loved passed away, combining that with watching my step daughter raise an beautiful baby I began to think, is this what I want..... until my boyfriend categorcially told me it will never happen. Ever.
I feel like something has been taken away from me. I feel angry because in the past when we have broached the topic he said he'd do it (anything) to make me happy, if it meant keeping or losing me he'd do it etc etc. But when it has really come down to it he reacted like a caged animal and lashed out, no no no being the only response between yelling at me that i need to hurry up and make my mind up if i stay with him or or go (yes the reaction of a very scared person... once decided he really never will ever back down or change his mind).
Having cried for a few days, got angry, upset, sad, thoughful, ive scoured the net to ask.... is my urge to have children a reaction to pressure im putting on myself or is it really that dreaded ticking clock looming?
Reasons i want a child: im failing my parents if i dont... im very close to my parents and i suspect a grandchild would give them immense joy (i do have an older sister but she is about as maturnal as me).... Who will be there for me in old age? Who will i teach and pass on knowledge to? Baby clothes are so cute (i only like girls clothes) will i regret this massively, will i end up hating the man i love so deeply now? and finally I know i'll have grandchildren of sorts, but i like the idea of a bit of me!
Reasons for not wanting a child:Travel (I genuinely love love love to travel), sex life, money, possesions, time, energy... and finally i KNOW i want emmigrate when i am older, something i feel very strongly about... children would tie me here.
In my life there have been a handful of things I KNOW. I have a tendancy to know exactly what it is i want in the future... At 15 i KNEW i wanted my own house. I got it at 23. I've never wanted marriage and ive always wanted to be financially independant, I am both.
AT 26 i KNEW i wanted to live in the sun. We visited the island of Kefalonia for the first time and the draw i felt to living there was overwhelming. I KNOW unequivically that i want to emmigrate, maybe when my boyfriend retires, maybe later. But children....not something ive ever KNOWN i wanted (and I am a very strong willed person) when ive known i need to makes changes in my life... i have.
Babies dont conjure up thoughts of smells, or cutsie smiles, or litte fingers etc.... im exhausted having babysat a 1 year old for 2 hours, glad of the return to my santury.
I supose what im searching my soul for is this.... do i want children for the right reasons? If i were to reach older life wishing I'd had children would working with children be fulfilling enough? And the one im most scared about.... will i resent my boyfriend forever, or am i just angry now becasue somebody other than me has taken my life choices away?
Any advice would be very much appreciated.
Thank you.
I've been with my boyfriend now for about 6 years, Im 29 he's 41, sounds like a big gap but we really are very VERY compatable. We met through work and sometimes can spend 24 hours a day 7 days a week together... and maybe only one bicker occurs! Usually over what to put on sandwiches. He has 2 grown up children from his previous marriage, and now a grandhild also. We've been through a LOT, bankruptcy being one, and i truely couldnt see my life course without him. Soulmates etc etc!
We have always glossed over the children topic, I have never pushed it being too worried about hearing something i dont like. But the conversation has reared its ugly head because I've had feelings it might be time.
Dont get me wrong, I've never wanted children before. But recently my Nan, who was much loved passed away, combining that with watching my step daughter raise an beautiful baby I began to think, is this what I want..... until my boyfriend categorcially told me it will never happen. Ever.
I feel like something has been taken away from me. I feel angry because in the past when we have broached the topic he said he'd do it (anything) to make me happy, if it meant keeping or losing me he'd do it etc etc. But when it has really come down to it he reacted like a caged animal and lashed out, no no no being the only response between yelling at me that i need to hurry up and make my mind up if i stay with him or or go (yes the reaction of a very scared person... once decided he really never will ever back down or change his mind).
Having cried for a few days, got angry, upset, sad, thoughful, ive scoured the net to ask.... is my urge to have children a reaction to pressure im putting on myself or is it really that dreaded ticking clock looming?
Reasons i want a child: im failing my parents if i dont... im very close to my parents and i suspect a grandchild would give them immense joy (i do have an older sister but she is about as maturnal as me).... Who will be there for me in old age? Who will i teach and pass on knowledge to? Baby clothes are so cute (i only like girls clothes) will i regret this massively, will i end up hating the man i love so deeply now? and finally I know i'll have grandchildren of sorts, but i like the idea of a bit of me!
Reasons for not wanting a child:Travel (I genuinely love love love to travel), sex life, money, possesions, time, energy... and finally i KNOW i want emmigrate when i am older, something i feel very strongly about... children would tie me here.
In my life there have been a handful of things I KNOW. I have a tendancy to know exactly what it is i want in the future... At 15 i KNEW i wanted my own house. I got it at 23. I've never wanted marriage and ive always wanted to be financially independant, I am both.
AT 26 i KNEW i wanted to live in the sun. We visited the island of Kefalonia for the first time and the draw i felt to living there was overwhelming. I KNOW unequivically that i want to emmigrate, maybe when my boyfriend retires, maybe later. But children....not something ive ever KNOWN i wanted (and I am a very strong willed person) when ive known i need to makes changes in my life... i have.
Babies dont conjure up thoughts of smells, or cutsie smiles, or litte fingers etc.... im exhausted having babysat a 1 year old for 2 hours, glad of the return to my santury.
I supose what im searching my soul for is this.... do i want children for the right reasons? If i were to reach older life wishing I'd had children would working with children be fulfilling enough? And the one im most scared about.... will i resent my boyfriend forever, or am i just angry now becasue somebody other than me has taken my life choices away?
Any advice would be very much appreciated.
Thank you.
0
Comments
Failing your parents or because girls clothes are cute are not good reasons.
Youre not failing anyone if you dont have children, and theres a good chance youd have a baby boy
Every time i think ive got closure i start debating with myself, and this has gone on for 12 months (knowing deep down what my boyfriend would really say).
She makes me feel so good when im with her, i want to hold her and watch her and never let her go. Her grandad is amazing with her, at only 13 months she knows his voice as soon as she hears it laughing her head off.
I'm an organised, control freak and i know if i had a baby i'd cope, but would i enjoy it.
Of course its possible to go travelling with a child, but its a very different experience, and most of your energy would be spent on ensuring your childs safety and going to areas easily accessible, at least for quite a long time.
Time and energy, kiss those goodbye for a while. Money - they eat that up too.
Maybe your best bet is to enjoy your step-grandchild from the wonderful relaxed relationship of a grandparent. You get to love that baby as much as your own child, yet you get to hand her back at the end of the day and you still get your own life.
Of course i dont know you, but from what youve said, it doesnt sound like youre really ready to dedicate yourself to a child just yet. Especially the part about being heartbroken if you had a baby boy.
You just dont get to choose like that. It could be a boy. It could be disabled, it could be really hard work
I think its because im feeling cheated by someone who said he's do anything for me, that its like trying to see through a fog. which is the strongest desire.... to bring up a child or to enjoy my life as it is now.
And the biggest fear inside me is that i wont be able to get closure on the anger, because my other half wont tolerate it, or me for long, he's also very strong minded and having spent many years unhappy he knows his future has to be a happy pain free one. If i spend the next 12 months, evens years, trying to get closure/decide/accept all this what happens to my very fulfilling reltionship
Another thing is that your partner doesnt want anymore, so it wouldnt be fair of you to force him into it, any more than its fair for him to say never.
I would say leave it a year and if you still like the idea of children, then talk about it some more or decide whether you want to go it alone or look for someone else who wants them
If you did leave him however, youd miss out on your step-grandchild growing up
When i first met my other half 10 years ago, he always said he'd 'done his bit' (his relationship was new and pregnancy unplanned at the age of 19) so i knew his opinions from the off....but edging round the subject over the years made him say things anything to make you happy, only as long as we discuss it first because i wouldnt want another unplanned child, if it meant losing you i'd do it.
I know none of the above are anywhere good or stong enough reasons to commit to raising a child but never the less, reasons that can grow into something more, and most importanly reasons that gave me choices.
And now i feel like i need to have a long conversation about all the other major decisions we are going to face as a couple.
I personally wouldnt want to NOT have children, but i think you need a certain sort of mindset, and you also never know what sort of children youre going to get. Two of my children have special needs. I couldnt have predicted that.
Of course if you did get pregnant and did have a boy, youd love him all the same, so thats not an issue really, and you can find pretty cute clothes for boys these days
I can imagine after 10 years there must be an element of "where is this going" and "whats the next stage" but you also seem very satisfied in your life and with the freedom youve got.
I know a lot of people who dont have children and never will, and theyre very happy that way and theyre a lot older than you. They dont hate kids or anything, but raising a family just isnt for them.
I would absolutely LOVE to go travelling or even a short holiday away from my children, just me and my partner, but i cant even see when thats likely to happen, and the last time that happened was when i went away for 4 days with some girlfriends about 5 or 6 years ago. Its just not easy anymore. All my holidays are child centred - they have to be. If I enjoy it too, thats a bonus, rather than the focus of the holiday.
I first too my baby away when she was 10/11 weeks old and have managed to keep up pretty constant holidays since then every 3 months or so and i really really really want to do a long trip for say a year - I just need to persuade my husband that he can take the time off work - but that's an entirely different problem.
Also emigrating somewhere else isn't really that much of a big deal these days - if you do it sooner rather than later you can take your children with you and i know so many parents who live thousands of miles apart from thier grown up children and grandchildren.
However that aside I think that you do have some other things to consider - I think that a lot of women only want to have girls and i'm quite worried about some of my friends who have found out thier are having boys and are quite upset about it and i do worry that they may not bond with a boy as much as a girl - however i think that nearly everyone is totally besotted with thier own baby and you are genetically programmed to love it to bits.
I also think that the older you get your brain goes a bit funny and you realise that you do want children - but you shoudlnt' ahve them to make your parents feel better.
I do however think that as you have identified it is a make or break point for any relationship and that as much as you are entitled to change your mind about wanting to have children your partner is also entitled to not change his. You need to work out for yourself what you want your future life path to be and if the compromises you have to make to stay with him are worth it if that makes sense.
Everyone was all "ahh i bet youre so happy to finally have a girl" which actually pissed me off, because it kind of implied my wonderful boys were some sort of booby prize.
Then I'm with my boyfriend and he makes me laugh so hard my sides hurt, we have so much fun and love and happiness, even though I do still feel like im angry with him, i feel like-you know what i dont think im bothered about children, the advice from the forum fills my head, its never bothered me before, its only bothering me now because hes said no.......
Someone help me!! Im so confused.
I think that you probably need to tell him how you feel - but leave it a few weeks before you do so that you can really be certain.
I also think that its ever so slightly hyporcritical that he is saying no so much becuase he has had the opportunity to know what it feels like to be a parent (even though he didnt' necessarilly plan it) - but now he isn't letting you experience the same thing which seems a bit unfair - but it is his choice to not want any more children - i'm just kind of thinking that he needs to see things from your perspective as well.
However on the other hand there is no point at all remaining in a relationship when you fundamentally both want different things.
yeah i agree with that
We've covered everything over and over, and he says the more we discuss it the more it cements his decision. Then it begins to spill into frustration that we cant get the other to agree, to comply. And then it turns into anger. We end up hugging about 10 minutes later, we cant even manage to stay mad...... and then i'm back to the same thoughts, am i ok with this or am i not?
I've been thinking today (its my day off so ive had plenty of time to think... one more pro of being childfree im sure) But if i did walk away, would i still feel as ready to be a parent.... is the love i feel in my relationship the driving force.... I want my boyfriends child.... a part of me and him together, so would i still be so confused if the relationship ended..... oh dear, I'm sick of my own thoughts, I'm sure all you guys are sick of my thoughts too. :banghead:
One of you has to win and one of you lose, so you just have to work out how strongly you feel about it. Whether it is a battle you really want to fight for, or whether youre just fighting for something as a challenge because youve been told no, or whether you actually want a child - boy/girl/whatever. Not just a baby, a romatic notion. Whether you can commit to that for life and risk your relationship, or whether you can stay happy and satisfied in life without one.
I read that.... an my gut instinct, my very first thought was, i am happy and satisfied in my relationship, right now I am happy. We've been getting excited about going to see some olympic events next year and i want to travel to poland to vist places of historical interest..... I'm only 29, if i hit 35 and i feel differently i will still have time to sort my life out. But right now I am so happy....We want to do Times Square on new years eve one year, and we're going walking in Scotland with my family in October, We've struggled through his messy financially crippling divorce and we are stronger for it....I've was introduced into his daughters lives when they were teenagers so we've dealt with teenage hormones and teenage prenancy......
He's telling me now that I'm going on, that there's nothing more he can say and just that he's sorry over and over again. I've told him i dont want to use it like a stick to beat him with but i just need to talk things over to get closure. Is that wrong of me? If ive told him ive made a decision to stay with him forsaking everything else, do i just need to shut up and deal with it?
I think id rather have a wonderful relationship with a man i truly loved and loved me, than anything else really.
Im aware im saying that with a luxury of already having children (and a wonderful relationship too) but sometimes you cant always have EVERYTHING you want. Some people cant have children for other reasons, through finances, or through infertility, or through practicality reasons, and make the best of it and a lot of them wont have a loving fun relationship like yours to fall back on and see them through it either. Youre still very lucky even if you dont end up having kids.
The fact he doesnt want any more is a very real issue.
How would you feel if it was the other way round - you didnt want children, and he was trying to pressure you?
I can see both of your points of view
Your last post really made sense to me, I think I've spent the last two days obsessing because i get so frustrated when i cant make things go my way, i have to work through it and figure out why its not happening how i want it to happen, and abviously work through all the other relationship baggage.
In the mean time i end really pissing my boyfriend off by text!
Thank you for all your advice today SuzyCreamCheese, Its been invaluable.
Hope you come to some agreement