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scared to have sex

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
ok this is a kind of embarrassing situation for me but i just cant get used to sex. I think my childhood has something to do with it but i have tried to move on from that.

About a year ago i had a one night stand and it was really painful, i tried to carry on but it hurt too much so we stopped. After that i had another one night stand and i was so drunk i thought it would be ok because if it hurt i wouldnt feel it but i did and this time when i asked him to stop he carried on. I bled on both of these occasions too.

About 5 months ago a guy asked me out and i really liked him but everytime he tried to make the move i would push him away, it affected the relationship so much that after only 2 months we broke up.

I think its put me off having a relationship at all. I really like some guys but i push them away and just ignore them so they disappear. I really want a boyfriend but im so worried i will mess up and it will hurt again. I dont really know what to do. I feel like i will never be ready. :crying:

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    oh no i'm sorry to hear you are having a bad time.. i felt like that for a while when it hurt each time me and my boyfriend tried to have sex and it didn't last long, but we went to a brook clinic this week for advice and people are really helpful and friendly on here as well and for the first time i bled so think my hyman has finally broke and the pain wasn't so bad so will see how it is next time. we just took things slowly did plenty of foreplay till i was fully relaxed and used some lube and it was fine, you could try what i did? the other times i tensed up because i anticipated pain so made it worse, the key is to be fully relaxed cos the other times i wasn't.
    i know what it feels like. and it isn't nice at all, you feel like sex will never be enjoyable like it should be, sex portrayed on porn is never like it is in real life lol! so i wanna try and help you :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    have you had sex other than those two one night stands? casual sex is ok but especially if it is your first time it can be more difficult to relax which is really important. Have you had any sort of counselling for your past? it doesn't sound like you have been helped enough ,your self-esteem seems very low.

    Sex requires a degree of preparation( ie foreplay), trust and respect to be enjoyable and this has also been breached in your case. You don't need to be in a relationship to have sex but for alot of people it is the most enjoyable way to do it. I think there are two things to take into account here, and sex is the least important of the two. You need to be feeling ok about yourself before you can be successful at building a relationship with another person. You said you pushed the last guy away and feel like you continue to do this - you need to work out why you do this and deal with it properly.

    Sex will become easier over time. It can take awhile to stop hurting, it took me personally around 5-7 times for it to start being pleasurable and stop hurting. It can take awhile for the vagina to get used to it. drunk One night stands aren't necessarily the way to go about doing this, especially if a man is going to carry on when you have asked them to stop. I hope you are ok.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thankyou marcbolanfan. I lost my virginity before all this and i guess you could say i have had sex alot before this but it was different because it wasn'y really right. I guess sone people would refer to it being a form of abuse so i guess the first real time was the first one night stand i mentioned.
    I will have to try to relax more i guess and try different things, maybe try some stuff u suggested.

    Summer-Raindrops, thankyou too. I dont know how you could pick up on low self esteem through what i wrote but you are probably right. I havent had any counselling because i dont really like to talk about the past. I realise thats my own fault but i would rather not talk about it. I wont be having anymore one night stands coz they obviously dont go well for me, i think you are right though when you say that i need to figure some stuff out.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    no worries at all kimmy :) i hope i can help .. thats good that he wasn't your first cos it is taking advantage of you and i can't stand women being taken advantage of! the things i suggested should hopefully work if your with someone you trust enough to want to have sex with them! how old are you? im 20, nice to see how old everyone is.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    yeah i am gunna wait for someone i can hopefully trust, just have a feeling its gunna take a while, but i guess it would be worth it. im 17
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    yeah it is worth it and ahh quite a bit younger than me then
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    kimmie01 wrote: »
    yeah i am gunna wait for someone i can hopefully trust, just have a feeling its gunna take a while, but i guess it would be worth it. im 17

    Sounds like it might be worth a few sessions with a counsellor or something as well, if you can face it. It sounds like the stuff in your past is a real emotional barrier to intimacy so it might help.

    You don't have to go and talk to your GP to get counselling, through Mind (independent, very good, charity) or IAPT (NHS) you can self-refer and no one need ever contact your parents to tell them (unless you are threatening serious self-harm or harm to others - even then they will do everything possible to protect your privacy whilst keeping you safe).

    Don't worry that the links I've posted include the hideously loaded term 'mental health' - mental health is just the same as physical health, you can sometimes need a bit of help with it without having a particular 'illness'. If you think talking to someone would make your relationships easier in the long run I would really encourage you to give it a shot.

    Also, as much as this is a well-worn cliché, you've still got forever to find the right person to share your first time with. I was 21, and talking to my friends now I'm amazed at how many were into their twenties before they had sex. It's not as unusual as the media and teen peer pressure would have you believe!

    Good luck.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thats nice that some people are having sex later i felt bad cos i felt a bit older than other girls.. guess they hype things up to be more than they are and alot of girls don't tell the truth.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    yeah i thought the response about my age might just make people think i have time and that it doesnt matter. I understand theres no rush but it is an issue and its not something i dont think will ever just go away. Im just fed up trying to put a wall around me and blank guys so they think im not interested. I cant be myself around them and im not sure how thats supposed to change. I think i have to learn to trust.

    I have heard of mind before so i will look into it but not so sure about opening things up again, sometimes things are better in the past. But i will have a look, thankyou.

    I am surprised that many people are into their 20's before having sex. I dont know anyone of my friends who hasnt had a serious boyfriend or just a one night stand but its nice to know that some people do wait. I think thats nicer.

    Thankyou all for taking the time to reply
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