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More things come out...
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
So, I posted something not long ago about getting together with my boyfriend 4 months ago and his ex being a pain in the beginning, on one occasion calling him at 3am and him picking her up (so she was safe as she was drunk etc). Anyway, this was after our first date and he said she slept on the sofa.
Truth is, it came out that she only went to the sofa after throwing a strop (apparently after he wouldn't cuddle up to her).
So, in short...after a date with me, he just took her upstairs to sleep in his bed.
Not only that, but he kept that from me, as well as lying about the last time he slept with her (he maintains that this was before we met up and never after).
Its doing my head in. All I can think about is that I've asked him direct questions about all this stuff and he lied to my face. He said he was scared. That he told me basic info, like she slept downstairs, which she did end up doing, but not the fact that he assumed she was gonna sleep next to him first off.
It's not just that, but now I keep wondering what else? Maybe he slept with her after we met?
Argggh. I'm so distressed about it all.
Truth is, it came out that she only went to the sofa after throwing a strop (apparently after he wouldn't cuddle up to her).
So, in short...after a date with me, he just took her upstairs to sleep in his bed.
Not only that, but he kept that from me, as well as lying about the last time he slept with her (he maintains that this was before we met up and never after).
Its doing my head in. All I can think about is that I've asked him direct questions about all this stuff and he lied to my face. He said he was scared. That he told me basic info, like she slept downstairs, which she did end up doing, but not the fact that he assumed she was gonna sleep next to him first off.
It's not just that, but now I keep wondering what else? Maybe he slept with her after we met?
Argggh. I'm so distressed about it all.
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Comments
As much as he shouldn't really be having such close contact with his ex, he did say that it was just after your first date. I broke up with my ex just over a month ago and have been on a couple of dates with someone new but I still speak to my ex and I still worry about her (more to do with her being a complete idiot - getting drunk and ending up in precarious situations) if things with the new girl go well then I will stop the contact but until then I don't see the harm in it because Im only seeing her and not going out with her.
You haven't mentioned anything recent so why not just forget it? As long as nothing has happened after you became serious then he hasn't really done anything wrong.
This is a really difiicult thing to have to face so early on in your relationship and although what Big Gay suggests is quite extreme it's something you do need to ask yourself. Can you move on and trust him? What would you need him to do to reassure you?
He says he was scared to tell you, that may have been true. As Jazza says, it's never an easy subject to bring up the ex. Perhaps he was hoping things would blow over and that you wouldn't have to deal with it all.
It sounds as though it's really getting to you and it can't be easy when you're still unsure if you have all the facts
How has he been about it? Do you feel like he's worried that he's lost your trust? Feel free to keep venting and let us know how things are going *hug*
I'm really hurt and disappointed.
Since all this happened we moved in together, bought a car together, are going on a holiday with his family soon and he is otherwise 'perfect' as a boyfriend. Caring, considerate, affectionate, loving, generous etc etc. He's shown a lot of commitment in these 4 months and talks about the future. Getting married, kids etc.
His ex had a lot of issues and therefore came across as quite manipulative and needy. They had been separated for 2 years and she had relationships and he didn't. He was pretty much playing the husband role while she was out being single. He was at her beckon call. Then he met me.
He isn't the type to play around. And I'm pretty sure once we were officially together he did nothing.
Then again, because he has lied about this issue and a couple more, I have doubts about everything.
I love him so much and I know he loves me. It would be such a shame to walk away. But this only started because I was fishing and found out about the call at 3am to pick her up. That was weeks ago and it's taken this long to get this much out of him. What if there is more?
I happened to speak to her before Christmas about something else and I asked her where she slept and she said downstairs.
Like I said, he had also originally told me she slept downstairs, and even with his updated version, that is supposed to be true. He just hid the fact that originally he was gonna let her sleep next to him.
Trouble is, sometimes if he's tired he doesn't want to have sex with me....so him denying her doesn't mean it was because he wanted to start something with me.
Argh this is driving me crazy.
I also asked him what she was doing while he was getting ready for work if she was on the sofa....and that changed a couple of times. Turns out he apparently sent her up to the bed, got ready and went to work. I'm just thinking how convenient. I reckon she was there all night.
But, he was technically single. He was married to this woman and wrapped around her little finger. He'd met me once. Do I have any right to feel like this?
He has been really upset about it...even crying. Says that he thought that if I knew at the time I wouldn't want to see him again. And that the lies since have just been to paper the cracks and he knows he made things worse. He says he wants a future with me and that he didn't do anything that night and definately not after we said we were in a relationship.
I'm 28 and he's 30. Just for info. :crying:
As I said before- this happened before you started a relationship and therefore shouldn't be causing you this amount of annoyance. From what you're saying he sounds like a really nice guy and the fact he's commited himself financially to you probably shows how much he cares for you so isn't that indicative of his nature and how he would behave in a relationship with you?
I think you've just pin pointed what's upsetting you the most;
It seems that his ex has been an issue for a while and now it has become even harder after finding out he lied. It is good though to see that you are both talked about this - and that he admitted he was wrong, and was worried about what you would think at the time.
You seem to have build trust these past few months and now it has been taken away. As Jo7 mentioned earlier, the question is whether you can move on from this and trust him again?
These things take time though, so don't pressure yourself in making a decision*hug*
At the end of the day, its not nice, but I wasn't his girlfriend. And maybe he really didn't do anything.
I love him and I can see that he loves me. I guess nobody is perfect :rolleyes:
I hope that in time it will be less of an issue for me. Its not fair that I keep on questioning him. I guess deep down I k ow he's a good guy. We all make mistakes. I just wish he hadn't. :banghead:
Thank you all for posting, it's really helped. X*hug*
But I know I want it to work...so guess I just have to suck it up. X
Anyway, sucking it up is a good idea. All the best