Feeling lost!

Its been a while since I wrote on here. A whole heap has been happening in my life. I'm still with my girlfriend, and were going great as always, just life around us never settles. Which is frustrating. There's so much that's happened, with it being about being on and off benefits, ups and downs with where we were living, money worries(to the point there was times that I may of had to move back home) we've certainly been through our fair share.
My girlfriend is heaps better with her anxiety and panic attacks, got herself a wee part time job, which she doesn't like but it helps ease the money stress with me not working. We had to move to her mums main house a few months ago, its in the country, so fairly isolated, which in a way can be okay but for the most part its now getting us down as we miss the city. Doesn't help that none of us drive. We're both doing self study courses. I'm pooping myself on my one as I cant retain the info with everything going on.
A few months ago my Nana got ill and has lost a lot of weight, she had a growth in her oesophagus they thought it could of been cancer, it turns out that the growth itself wasn't, but causes her a lot of pain, she has a stent for it. But on xmas even, the family got told that her lung cancer is indeed back and the only two options she would have would be a tablet that wouldn't cure her but give her around 9mnths and stop weight loss but the side effects were horrible, or just to carry on and waste away. she choose to try the tablets, she never had as bad side effects but still horrible ones, found out around a week ago after she had seen the professor that the tablets aren't working, therefore she has less time. She has a scan soon, and I'm guessing it will determine how long roughly she has left. My feelings towards this going on is mixed up, at times I don't know what I feel, my depression has worsened, I put on a brave face but inside I'm breaking down. I need to learn to control it but I can't at times I get soo frustrated with feelings, at times I wanna explode. It's only going to get harder, I find it hard to cry at times. Prob scared that I wont stop. I keep thinking about the next few times I'm down there visiting her, making sure that I hug her and tell her that I love her so she knows.. Breaks my heart thinking about it....