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I think my friend fancies me
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Basically, I'm quite crap at telling if people like me....
But in short...
I have a friend who was diagnosed with aspergers when younger and admits he struggles with communication. He can be very dogmatic and black and white about things, so I try not to be around him too much, as it can grate on me... For example, he believes that his form of Christianity is the truth and that anything his political party say is also the truth and if I argue otherwise, I'm autonomist or liberal...
I don't really care about labels an' all that, but don't like to be arbitrarily pigeonholed with things that don't always represent what I believe. I also don't like being told I'm wrong or ignorant, for having a different view to somebody.
Needless to say politics is a huge part of his life... I am sometimes in to activism, so it sometimes plays in mine too... But y'know, I am quite in to other things as well and don't like to be always in to politics.
Anyway... I hadn't seen him for about six months... And we met up and had a few drinks. We talked a lot about certain events and agreed on some issues... Then he insisted on going back to mine...
As he had took a bus ride to mine and was so persistant, I allowed him and told him to be quiet and not wake anyone and we sat in the front room and talked. He was sitting quite close to me, but y'know... He is quite close with his barriers and I trust him never to hurt me.
In the middle of conversation, I found out the cotton had pulled on my sock and he just came out with "I have a fucking fetish". I was just like... "uhhh ok" and ignored him because sometimes he can be inappropriate and not realise...
Then he got down on one knee, grabbed my foot and started rubbing it, telling me how I mean so much to him and his ex said we should get together, but I'm a lesbian who "doesn't like cock" (I'm not all the way les)... He said I'm his best friend. Apparently I used to be "too much of a liberal" for his liking.
I thought it was a bit weird, so tried to convince him I am really tired and then he went home and I went to bed.
I didn't feel threatened because in some ways, I feel I understand him. He'd never hurt anyone and socially, he comes out with things that seem inappropriate (possibly partly to do with aspergers?). The other night he tried to hold me from behind on the escalator.
BUT I can't tell if he wants to be more touchy feely as friends, or if he wants more... I don't want more. I don't really want to say to him I am not interested, unless I know he wants to sleep with me... I also don't want to jeopordise our friendship...
Does it sound like he wants more?
But in short...
I have a friend who was diagnosed with aspergers when younger and admits he struggles with communication. He can be very dogmatic and black and white about things, so I try not to be around him too much, as it can grate on me... For example, he believes that his form of Christianity is the truth and that anything his political party say is also the truth and if I argue otherwise, I'm autonomist or liberal...
I don't really care about labels an' all that, but don't like to be arbitrarily pigeonholed with things that don't always represent what I believe. I also don't like being told I'm wrong or ignorant, for having a different view to somebody.
Needless to say politics is a huge part of his life... I am sometimes in to activism, so it sometimes plays in mine too... But y'know, I am quite in to other things as well and don't like to be always in to politics.
Anyway... I hadn't seen him for about six months... And we met up and had a few drinks. We talked a lot about certain events and agreed on some issues... Then he insisted on going back to mine...
As he had took a bus ride to mine and was so persistant, I allowed him and told him to be quiet and not wake anyone and we sat in the front room and talked. He was sitting quite close to me, but y'know... He is quite close with his barriers and I trust him never to hurt me.
In the middle of conversation, I found out the cotton had pulled on my sock and he just came out with "I have a fucking fetish". I was just like... "uhhh ok" and ignored him because sometimes he can be inappropriate and not realise...
Then he got down on one knee, grabbed my foot and started rubbing it, telling me how I mean so much to him and his ex said we should get together, but I'm a lesbian who "doesn't like cock" (I'm not all the way les)... He said I'm his best friend. Apparently I used to be "too much of a liberal" for his liking.
I thought it was a bit weird, so tried to convince him I am really tired and then he went home and I went to bed.
I didn't feel threatened because in some ways, I feel I understand him. He'd never hurt anyone and socially, he comes out with things that seem inappropriate (possibly partly to do with aspergers?). The other night he tried to hold me from behind on the escalator.
BUT I can't tell if he wants to be more touchy feely as friends, or if he wants more... I don't want more. I don't really want to say to him I am not interested, unless I know he wants to sleep with me... I also don't want to jeopordise our friendship...
Does it sound like he wants more?
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Comments
hes lucky youre not feeling uncomfortable about it. he sounds a bit full on.
What are you going to do? he obviously doesnt "get" subtle rebuffs very well.
He doesn't get subtlety...
I dunno what to do...
But having sex with him is not really an option obviously.
Being blunt is the only option if hes on the spectrum, as he wont take hints so easily
This is inevitably a tough situation for you. Not only are you not sure that he likes you this way, but there are also difficulties explaining some of his behaviour due to him having Asperger's syndrome. You say you hadn't seen him in six months, yet you trust him, so why not mention this to him? You have said you do not want to tell him you are not interested unless he definitely likes you, but perhaps you could mention the night at your house and how that made you feel?
If you give him an example of a situation, it can be easier for him to justify it - for example he could say straight up "oh no I did not mean it that way" - or he could say "yes i was serious, what do you think". Either way you need to know soon enough in order to get this sorted.
You seem to care about him a lot and do not want to hurt him, however he might eventually get the impression you are interested if you do not say anything to oppose his actions towards you.
Let us know how you get on,
Good luck
From what you've posted it is quite clear he likes you. I'd suggest that if you want to remain friends with this bloke you should word your refusal very carefully as people who suffer from this condition either like you or they don't (as previously mentioned!?).
Good luck!
ED
What, so because your brother has aspergers, youre an authority on everyone with the condition?
Two people with aspergers/autism, are likely to be as different as two people without the condition.
Your statement may be true for some people with aspergers, but certainly not all of them, and you cant say that hes no physical threat. How could you possibly know that?
Sorry if I sounded forthright in my earlier message. What I meant to say hasn’t come across very well – I didn’t want to sound like I knew everything regarding the condition, I just thought I should share what I have learned from dealing with MY BROTHER. Perhaps I should have made that clearer.
I honestly didn’t intend to offend anyone, nor adopt a patronising tone.
ED
If you are just put off by him, because of his political and religious views and his habit of imposing them over others you have to communicate this to him and make him understand that other views than his are not automatically wrong and you don't like it at all if he implies that.
If there is no way anyway you want to be with him, because he is not your type, or because you are almost certainly lesbian, then you need to let him know very directly. Like others have said, hints won't help much. Tell him you value the friendship, but you are not romantically interested in him, because (you could use this as a reason: ) you are lesbian.
If he doesn't understand/tolerate that (because maybe of his religious views), I doubt he values the friendship much, but just has the hots for you and neither should you really value the friendship either.
In any case, tell him unmistakably that you are not interested, period.
If his ex was right in saying you don't like the cock I think he could be a good match for you...if his sexual desires are restricted to licking your soles and sucking your toes then the cock isn't going to be a problem?