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i dont know if i will really post this...

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
because i started writing it. deleted it all, and apparently started again....

yesterday i was at a party, a really good party, live music, dancing, cheap drinks, all was perfect. when it ended for me, i dont know maybe around 4 i was super duper wasted. i went home and have little recollection. all i know was i was afraid of something. I was so direly afraid of something i cried. and even tho i might cry just a little bit more than the normal, average man, this was outlandish. I have wounds on my hands of constantly falling over and having the chisel ram into palms. I got lost and remember stopping some random dude, crying to him, begging him to take me home. I think he was from the balkan crusing around looking for gay men, but i dont really know anymore, it doesnt really matter anyway.

I got home. I was so afraid of everything and nothing. I called a friend who was very supportive. told me i should take the radio into my bedroom and listen to music. I cried, i have no recollection why, and i dont think i had any reason either.

i woke up like an hour ago. went to the shower, thinking this weird shit is all over, but i called a friend to tell her this and it started again. i bawled the everliving shit out of me, and i dont know why. I have no reason, i just feel like i am losing my sanity... here it goes again... i bawl... i dont know why, i dont know. i didnt take any drugs or anything.... and i am mostly sober now, i think i breached through a barrier i have never before. i reached my breaking point. i am completely going insane. i dont know why. there is just nothing there, nothing changed from yesterday. yesterday was usual normal boring timewasting fun. i called another friend who is rushing to my place to look after me. god bless my friends. the first friend i called, called me just now, giving me two options either i come to hers or she comes over to mine.

i dont know whats wrong, i really dont. but i cry, I am afraid, and i dont know....


i had to get that out..

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Do you think you are having a panic attack? Some of what you are going through sounds like it could be a panic attack.

    I know its really hard to concentrate and calm yourself down when you are so worked up but if you can find a comfy spot and try to concentrate on your breathing it may help, you just ned to take deep slow breaths and stick with it for a while you should begin to feel calmer.

    If you have a friend there they could hold your hands and do it with you.

    Also you need to get to a doctor even though there may be nothing physically wrong with you the reassurance of that doctors opinion can be helpful in calming.

    Maybe you should consider asking for a sedative or something to completly relax you.

    I'm not a doctor of course and what you are going through may be nothing at all to with panic it just sounds like it might be.

    I really think you need to ask for professional help though if it carries on before you get trapped in a vicious circle of being on edge and not sleeping.

    I t may be worth asking a friend to phone around see if anyone else from the party had any effects it could be some twat was spiking drinks.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    it sounds like it could be a panic attack to me, defintly speak to a doctor
    but I would also listen to Louisek and check with a friend to see if they had anything similar
    hope it helps
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I am better now, thanks. A friend came immediately by and spent the day with me. Now I have another friend over. She will stay the night over. Will surely help. Guess it's over, whatever that was...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Im glad your feeling better *hug*

    Sounded scarey, well done to your friends for their support.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    wow, that sounds scary Matt :( *hugs* It does sound like a panic attack to me too, the anxiety but you are not sure what of, the crying etc. Maybe it's a lot of pass stress making itself known and the alcohol was the release?
    Glad you are safe now xxxxxxxxx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    *hug* And I don't mean that in a 'gay' way, Strubbs. Glad you're feeling better. ;)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    im glad youre starting to feel a bit better.
    That sounds really disconcerting x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It is actually not all gone. I have minor, but noticeable feelings of being alone. I was constantly among people today. first work, then work xmas party, then straight to uni xmas party. I felt invisible. So lonely, and this omnipresent feeling of despair is wearing me down.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I hope you've found or soon find some comfort. Is there something that you want, or something that you need, or something that you can't have? Sometimes, these wants, needs, or desires, overcome us and manifest themselves in anxiety. I hope you can come to peace with them, if they exist, and with yourself.

    hugs
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I came to the same conclusion and try to work on the decrease of my wants and desires and basically "look at the bright side" i.e. cherish what I already have.

    I guess it's not as easy as it sounds, however.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yes, cherish what you have but... those wants and desires are strong, you don't need to deny those feelings, you ust need to get them in to perspective within your life.

    Are you ok at the moment? Do you feel stable? Strubs, we've all been there, all been swept along with the fantasy and romance and desires of life. And, we're all had it turn on our heads and leave us feeling upside down. feeling upside dosn is unfortunate but normal.

    more hugs
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Maybe it was a form of panic attack as curlyboy suggested?

    I used to get feelings of impending doom on occasion, usually either when out drinking somewhere with loud music or when I was having a burger in Mcdonalds, but that was from taking too much coke.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I was a wee bit drunk yesterday too, so I guess I relinquish alcohol consumption in the near future, because basically it seems to open the flood gates to my subconsciousness.

    After my post I made a few calls and talked to friends, so I am actually quite fine, but I of course want a solution to this and not just some temporary fix.

    I guess I will seek some (non-romantical, non-sexual) diversion, because a big enemy is thinking and overthinking. Basically thinking about stuff, trying to interpret my wants and desires, build up unrealistic hopes. Once infected with the wrong thought it won't leave me alone anymore and this can change my well-being rather quickly.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    When my panic attacks were at their worst i did some research and discovered that when the body is flooded with sugar sometimes it can't produce enough insulin when this happens it tries to compensate by producing adrenalin.
    Adrenalin as you know puts your body on alert for fight or flight, your brain is fooled into thinking you are in danger and should be running away hence the panic.
    You can imagine how much sugar is in all the alcahol and party food you are you going through at the moment
    Maybe you are right and watching your consumption may help.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    This can't be really the case, as I drink almost only beer and ate just salty things. Moreover is my sugar intake generally rather low, so very far off from this insane amount you would need to intake, and I am not diabetic either.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yeah it could be panic attacks, they do tend to happen at random.

    Also, are you sure your drink wasnt drugged at some stage? It could be any combination of potent shit that leaves you wasted for days.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I've heard that people who experience panic attacks have a distressing first episode of the symptons. I hope you're OK now :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think I am starting a mild depression. I mean, I am always not doing that great in winter, but I feel tired and a bit lonely even in company when I am out. I am not comfortable with crowds and noise and I rather be at home, but not alone.

    Living alone blows -_-
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    *hugs* im sorry you are still feeling out of sorts :( has the anxiety feeling calmed down?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    skakitty wrote: »
    *hugs* im sorry you are still feeling out of sorts :( has the anxiety feeling calmed down?

    yea, that's over, as long as I'm sober.
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