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I Need Support in Supporting Him!
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Some of you may remember my romance with a close friend. We are now openly a couple, and love every minute of it.
Let's backtrack to how our friendship became so close in the first place...
We were always friends, good friends, but not best friends. We met on the internet in a non-dating type of forum, and at the time we were both in seperate relatioships. The real turning point in our relationship happened when he suffered a stroke (late 20's, perfect health, doesn't drink or smoke! it really can happen to anyone!) he came out of it very lucky! The only lasting effect is a jog in his short term memory. This is when I started to take on a bigger role in his life, helping him more with the creative projects (podcasts) that he does, and in general other things. We were both single at the time, so he was living alone with no help, and I was more than happy to help out my friend in need. I try to fill in his memory when he can't remember. I make notes of things for him in case he forgets. I do my best to be patient and understanding in his moments of frustration. It's natural to me, I love him, helping him is second nature.
However, I'm not a saint. I get frustrated with him sometimes when I know I told him something the day before but he has no recollection of it. (i.e. I have a doctors appointment, so I will be late coming home.) I know it's not his fault, and I know that he is even more frustrated with himself for his forgetfulness. I feel awful when I lose my patience with him, as I know this is like kicking him while he's down. His memory is slowly improving, and most of the time things that he forgets in the short term, return to him in the long term (funny how the mind works)
I guess I just need a pat on the back and a "there, there"
I'm upset with myself, and I wish I was more patient with him sometimes.
Let's backtrack to how our friendship became so close in the first place...
We were always friends, good friends, but not best friends. We met on the internet in a non-dating type of forum, and at the time we were both in seperate relatioships. The real turning point in our relationship happened when he suffered a stroke (late 20's, perfect health, doesn't drink or smoke! it really can happen to anyone!) he came out of it very lucky! The only lasting effect is a jog in his short term memory. This is when I started to take on a bigger role in his life, helping him more with the creative projects (podcasts) that he does, and in general other things. We were both single at the time, so he was living alone with no help, and I was more than happy to help out my friend in need. I try to fill in his memory when he can't remember. I make notes of things for him in case he forgets. I do my best to be patient and understanding in his moments of frustration. It's natural to me, I love him, helping him is second nature.
However, I'm not a saint. I get frustrated with him sometimes when I know I told him something the day before but he has no recollection of it. (i.e. I have a doctors appointment, so I will be late coming home.) I know it's not his fault, and I know that he is even more frustrated with himself for his forgetfulness. I feel awful when I lose my patience with him, as I know this is like kicking him while he's down. His memory is slowly improving, and most of the time things that he forgets in the short term, return to him in the long term (funny how the mind works)
I guess I just need a pat on the back and a "there, there"
I'm upset with myself, and I wish I was more patient with him sometimes.
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Comments
Does he have anyone else who can pop in from time to time? You could keep in touch and both help him out
There is his mother, who he prefers to keep at a safe distance becuase he finds her approach to "motherly" and feels undignified and treated as a child. And then there's "the guys" who are not patient and understanding in the least. They playfully tease him, and put on an act of macho, and are basicaly no help at all other than to upset him if he attempts at confiding. So "the guys" are restricted to beer and games night, and are not relied apon for anything emotional.
It sounds like you're doing an amazing job already, I can relate to the feelings of frustration because I helped to care for someone too who was also my boyfriend. I'm not sure where you are in the country but just looking on this site, there seems to be a few support groups out there: http://www.stroke.org.uk/in_your_area/england/south_west/community_stroke.html. Maybe there is one local to you?
It's really easy for me to say this and I was advised to do this multiple times on the boards but remember to take time out for yourself. You won't be any good to him if you are stressed and tired, it's okay to need help from others. I hope you find some support out there. Best of luck!
What you are doing for your boyfriend is truly amazing in itself. It is not your duty (such as perhaps a parent) but you are still there helping him and supporting him. Perhaps you are not a "saint" but who is in these situations? It is human to have hard times and occasionally lose patience- you are a young carer and you seem to be doing really well.
Clementine_the_tangerine' s links seem quite helpful and perhaps you can find a group that deals with this so you don't feel too alone. Have a look at Youngcares.net as there is a lot of information that can help.
You can also share with your boyfriend why you sometimes feel frustrated. Explain that you want to be more patient at times, but that perhaps he can try and be patient with you as well. As long as he doesn't think that he is a burden in your life, he will probably understand your side of the situation as well.
Good luck x
Here is another part of our relationship that I'm stuggling with, perhaps some of you may have some suggestions for me.
Understandably, this stroke and the resulting memory issues have caused him to be depressed and hard on himself. Some days are better than others. Today was a particularly bad day.
Part of how we got to be such close friends (and falling in love) in the first place is that I also struggle with depression, and my own health issues (kidney failure) So we have been able to understand each other in a way that most people can't. I digress...
Today when I was talking with him about how he was feeling mood wise, as I could tell he was really down, he said something that botherd me. Something along the lines of "I'm ok, I'm not dealing with anything as serious as you are, if anyone should be in a bad mood, it's you." refering to the way my health is a bit more sketchy than his at the moment, and because of this he feels that his feelings are invalid.
I was shocked, I didn't really think enough about what to say, but if I did, I would have told him that his feelings are always valid, no matter how insignificant they might seem.
It's true that we both have depression (although I feel mine is in remission, I know all too well it can return) and we both have health problems (although mine are life threatening, I have hope to be healthy again, his aren't life threatening, but his disability is likely permanent)
However, in spite of what we have in common, I'm not sure how to best go about supporting him through these dark times. I want to be the best I can be for him, and do everything I can to help him though this.
This sounds really hard. Have you seen our information on mental health support? It might give you some things to think about and some further links too.
I guess something that you probably already know is that, when a person is in the middle of feeling depressed, it's really hard to get any external perspective and really easy to feel that your thoughts or feelings are not valid or worth people's attention. It's easy to feel stupid and weak for feeling low and succumbing to low feelings and not to recognise that in fact, you are feeling the way you do because of the depression and not because of anything in the world.
I think some people also feel that they need to 'test' people around them - lots of people have had the experience of pushing away the people they need the most when they are feeling low.
I think my point is that perhaps something you can do to help each other through these times is to think and talk about them when things are better and you are both thinking clearer.
Being able to say "when I feel low, I sometimes feel like this....., I know it's quite irrational but I can't stop myself sometimes. When I feel like this, I think I need this ......type of support" to each other can help you to understand each others needs and communicate them to each other at a time when you're not in the middle of it. This can also help you feel more prepared as a couple for the next time a difficult time hits.
Just some thoughts....
Hope you and him had a better day today *hug*