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Embarrassing!!! Dont Judge Plzzz

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
hey everyone i cud reali do with some support right now,
ok im 21 and never had sex and im scared i will never have it and always b depressed.. i have my reasons y i dont do it but i cant say but another reason is im scared of men ... :(
im a looser ent i ???? i wudnt of even kissed any1 if wasnt forced!!
seriously im so depressed about something what i get v.suicidal about..

Am i missing out or what ive alwayed thought sex hurts..?
oh geez this is embarrasing im going :blush:

xx

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If you're that scared of men in particular, maybe you should take some time to figure out why. Have you had a bad experience with a man (you said you were forced to kiss one)? If there a particular reason you're afraid?

    Are you just afraid of being sexual with a man, or forming a connection with one?

    If you've been sexually assaulted/abused I'd certainly recommend talking to someone, preferably a professional. It's not uncommon for a bad first experience to completely alter the way you see the opposite sex, and it's definitely not your fault. But you can get past this, and eventually learn not to paint every guy with the same brush.

    There is no right or wrong age to become sexually active or intimate, everyone moves to their own tune, based on their own experiences.

    Sex can hurt the first time, you can minimise the pain by experimenting yourself (with fingers or toys). The trick is finding someone who'll respect you enough to be gentle and go at your own pace. Someone you're comfortable putting that trust into.

    Don't worry about age - I know people who lost their virginity in their 20s, and they're perfectly normal and well adjusted individuals. Try not to compare yourself to others, and move at a pace you feel comfortable with. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    wow thank you for your reply very and i mean very helpful thanks sooooo much

    I have had few bad experiences with men and have been sexually abused too thats why im scared of men!!!

    also im actually scared shitless to talk or see a man let alone do anything... aspec 1 beep !! lol!!
    im not to fussed bout age just something else i cant mention. xxxxxxx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You're most welcome.

    Do you have any good male friends?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    sorry took long to reply wasnt on y'day was out all day..
    Ermmm not as such but theres this lovely lad i talk to every day hes 29 and reali nice and understanding y u ask huni xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i'm kinda in the same boat as you depressedgal.
    can't really offer advice, but you're not alone.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    awww nutter hugs :)
    glad im not alone .... here 4 u if need to tlk xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sex the first time can hurt, and even then not always.

    Society says that virginity at 21 is good, but that's just society. Most colloquial UK norms don't make much sense, when set to scrutiny. I would suggest you go to counselling, and uncover the reason you fear men.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i know the reason i fear men hunie xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi depressedgal.

    If you've been through a nasty encounter with a man, it's easy to then widen your sentiments about that encounter to include men in general. As kira and Tinted have both touched on, it could be a good idea to talk to a professional in order to try and detach your emotions about what happened with that particular man from what you think about other men.

    It sounds as though your depression is also closely linked to how you feel about sex (without knowing what happened to you it's obviously hard to say, so please correct me if I'm wrong). As a result, working through your experiences and emotions about what you've been through will help to resolve some of the wider, knock-on effects of your experiences, such as raising your self-esteem, helping you to feel safe in sexual encounters, and developing a sense of strength and confidence in choosing when and how to have sex.

    A good place to start might be RASAC (Rape and Sexual Abuse Support Centre). They run a helpline on 0808 802 9999 every day between 12:00 - 2:30pm and 7-9:30pm, and they can also help you to find a one-on-one counsellor if that's what you'd prefer.

    I'm very aware that I'm making assumptions about what might have happened to you, so please do correct me if I'm wrong. I just know it can be hard to come out with things like this when you're feeling vulnerable, so I figured I might as well give you my two cents based on what I can put together from what you've said.

    Finally, sex is a very, very personal matter for many people. The choices you make about who you have sex with, how you have sex, and when you have sex (for the first time or the fiftieth time) are yours and yours alone, and it's a journey that people make in thousands of different ways. Please don't be ashamed or worried about your journey not being 'normal' or the same as 'everyone else's'. Ain't no such thing.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ^ Fantastic advice.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    wow thanks yes fantastic advice thanks bbe,
    wow i duno where to start aha !! someone does actually wanna have sex with me im not sure what i think coz he says im goregous etc but hes engaged and has a kid arrggh i duno obv i wont do anything not like that nd wudnt dare... im scared of men coz was sexually abused !!! its all my fault and plz dnt say it aint.. i wud luv 2 ring that helpline bt i dont ring ppl im tooo scared confidence sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Of course im guna b ashamed trust me im not normal,:crying:
    I'm discusting!!!! failure!!! no-body and a disgrace !!! xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ok getting involved with the engaged dude with a kid sound like you going to end up getting hurt and probably end up feeling worse than you already do. How can you think that it is your fault you were abused? The only person at fault is the abuser.

    It is normal to feel how you do after what you have been through, and it doesn't make you disgusting, a failure, or any of that. It shouldn't matter when you have sex, the main thing is that you feel comfortable enough to want to do it in the first place, and shouldn't feel pressured because of your age or your friends being sexually active xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    im scared of men coz was sexually abused !!! its all my fault and plz dnt say it aint. xx

    depressed it aint your fault, you didnt ask for it.

    I'm discusting!!!! failure!!! no-body and a disgrace !!! xx

    same again you arnt a failure never will be. u cannot be blamed for what happened. end of day better to do it when confortable than not ready.


    *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi depressedgal

    The great thing about helplines is that they don't have to know anything about you except what you choose to tell them. They won't know your name, your address, anything, and whatever you do say will be kept completely secret unless they have reason to believe you might do serious harm to yourself or to someone else.

    If you can find the courage to call, you don't have to tell them anything personal the first time. You can explain that you'd like support but wanted to check out how the helpline worked first, and whoever you speak to will be able to give you any information you feel you need. You can also hang up at any time if you feel uncomfortable.

    As for how you feel about yourself, I think it's important that you think about what effects sexual abuse might have on people's self esteem, and whether how we feel about ourselves is always how we actually are.

    Take a look at the other posters on here; some of them don't like themselves very much either, but if you look at what they say and how they treat other people, it seems unbelievable that they're not proud of who they are. I think the biggest gift you could give yourself at the moment is to make a stand for your life looking different. That will take courage, but it could mark the beginning of something pretty awesome for you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    it is my fault, it is my fault .. it is my fault!!!!
    it soooo is .... and yes i am a failure looser, low life i wanna die
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It isn't your fault. Have you ever spoken to anybody about the abuse you received?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    told someone about it but not reali talk talk .. last week i spoke bout the beeeep but not what happened dont want to... rather block it sorry x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No need to apologize, I went through something similar when I was younger and found it very hard to talk about, but found it did help wen I finally did.

    Hope all is well *hug* xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    so you have good reasons not to have sex, but you are still depressed about it? High time to review your reasons and abolish them, I reckon.

    If you have reasons to do or not to do something, but you are being depressed about the way it is, I guess the natural way is to alter your point of view about it.

    That's about as crude and undetailed as your post was, so I hope it helped you as much as it helped me understand your point.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sorry to hear that you have been through that! Its never your fault. you deserve love and support. :heart: I hope you know that you can heal but it takes time. About sex you can make the first time as special or unspecail as you want. Class yourself as a virgin until you have chosen to have sex.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thanks guys u lot r great so supportive xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    *hug*
    thanks guys u lot r great so supportive xx
    *hug*
    You definatly deserve support. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    wudnt go that far but thank you very much, here 4 u all xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    heya :) u need to slow down a bit honey......it'll happen when it happens, i was 18 and trust me i didnt exactly wanna lose my virginity then, it is a confusing tme for anyone and being treated like crap by men dont help. you'll find him one day, dont let the guy force u into it, just go with the flow and you will be fiiiiiiiiiine x i was sexually abused too, and it aint ur fault, u shouldnt blame urself, ur not a failure, u are a SURVIVOR!!! now dry those eyes, go for a walk in your fave place, and if i could hug you i would x p.s what helped me was writing every last detail down, sealing it in an envelope and keeping it with you til ur ready to let go of all of those feelings towards the bloke that abused you, and it will hurt but it works x x x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I wanted to say *hugs* to you.

    I too was sexually abused and have had some issues when it comes to sex but I'm living proof that you can go on to have a healthy happy sexual relationship after abuse. It's not been easy but my partners have been really good to me and understanding. The first time I had adult consensual sex was when I was 19, it hurt a lot and I cried a lot but my then boyfriend would just hold me and comfort me. I was with him for five years and the sex got a lot better in that time. My second partner is my current boyfriend and I've been really open with him and have talked to him in detail about the sexual abuse. Again the sex hasn't always been easy for me but he's really been there for me and at the moment the sex is good and we are able to have a laugh as well. I also have had a lot of therapy about the abuse as well as sex therapy which is more specific focussing on my sex life now and issues I've faced as well as talking about the abuse again.

    I really really recommend the book 'Healing sex - A mind-Body Approach to healing Sexual Trauma' by Staci Haines, you can get it on Amazon. The book is so good I can't recommend it strongly enough and you can read it at any time during your sexual journey from when you are single to when you are in a relationship thinking of having sex to when you are already having sex. It talks about many topics including dissociation, self-denial, consent - the yes no and maybe of sex, triggers, emotional healing, intimacy and self-forgiveness.

    If you have any specific questions feel free to ask them here or to PM me. Hope this helps :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    don't be embarrassed, but do not be scared of men either lol..they are just like us in a weird way. I would not be depressed about it either, when you are ready...go for it...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    hey everyone i cud reali do with some support right now,
    ok im 21 and never had sex and im scared i will never have it and always b depressed.. i have my reasons y i dont do it but i cant say but another reason is im scared of men ... :(
    im a looser ent i ???? i wudnt of even kissed any1 if wasnt forced!!
    seriously im so depressed about something what i get v.suicidal about..

    Am i missing out or what ive alwayed thought sex hurts..?
    oh geez this is embarrasing im going :blush:

    xx
    (Safe sex) Is the most fun that you can have without laughing in or out of marriage.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    closing this now - its old :)
This discussion has been closed.