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Useless and overwhelmed
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I'm 25 and I am absolutely useless. I contribute nothing to this world. I can't hold down a job or even leave the house on my own. I have Borderline Personality Disoder, Major Depressive Disorder, Anxiety, and PTSD (with agoraphobia). I am on a bunch of different medications, I've been in and out of the hospital this year. I am trying my hardest to keep everything under control. Now my health insurance has changed and I can’t see a therapist anymore and it will be months until I can see a psychiatrist. My meds aren’t working anymore... I can feel things getting worse every day. I don’t want to tell my husband because I don’t want him to worry. I keep trying to hide it and act like everything is fine. He has figured out I am depressed but he doesn’t know how bad it is. I can’t let him know.
He works so hard to support me and all I can give back is trying to cook dinner, do laundry, and keep the house clean. Lately I haven’t been able to get the motivation to do anything. I’m useless. I sit here all day by myself while he is at work and I can’t get anything done. I just sit here and stare at the laundry and cry. I am trying so hard not to cut anymore. My body is so covered in scars and I am sick of having to hide them.
My husband puts up with all of my shit. He has been there for every bad time and I hate myself for making his life more difficult. He's 24. He is a good person. He doesn't deserve my holding him back and ruining his life. He tells me that he wouldn't have a life if I wasn't here but I know he would be better off in the long run.
He works so hard to support me and all I can give back is trying to cook dinner, do laundry, and keep the house clean. Lately I haven’t been able to get the motivation to do anything. I’m useless. I sit here all day by myself while he is at work and I can’t get anything done. I just sit here and stare at the laundry and cry. I am trying so hard not to cut anymore. My body is so covered in scars and I am sick of having to hide them.
My husband puts up with all of my shit. He has been there for every bad time and I hate myself for making his life more difficult. He's 24. He is a good person. He doesn't deserve my holding him back and ruining his life. He tells me that he wouldn't have a life if I wasn't here but I know he would be better off in the long run.
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Welcome to the site - this is a place where you can put aside the mask for a while and be honest about how you are struggling. What a lot of pressure you are under to hide everything from your husband. It sounds like you are having a really rough time and really missing the support you did get from your therapist. Can you talk to any other professional or friend about what's going on? If there isn't anyone around right now then you can stay anonymous and call the samaritans or [URL="ttp://www.sane.org.uk/"]SANE[/URL]. They are good at listening without judgement to help you take the pressure down a peg or two.
Do you have any good tactics for times of stress? I know it can be hard to motivate yourself but a good diversion - a film you like, time with a trusted friend, a run or warm bath can all give you a bit of respite from your worries. We've got some info here. In fact as you're new to the site perhaps its worth mentioning our info pages - lots of advice about all sorts of issues and plenty on mental health. Your feedback helps us improve them so let us know what you think.
I hope that you feel supported here by fellow users to keep posting,
take care :thumb:
I just wanted to add one thing - the thread I looked at just before this one was the one from Angel Abida where you posted some great advice on self soothing. I noticed you were new and thought how great it was that you were posting such useful info so early on.
So you are defintely not absolutely useless and within a very short time of joining, you contributed something very valuable to this forum.
Welcome :wave:
Not sure how useful I can be to you but I wanted to try to reply to your post. I am diagonosed with borderline personality disorder, depression and anxiety as well and like you have been in and out of hospital. I wanted to assure you that no matter how dark your days are now that things can get better. I've been at rock bottom and thought that things would never change. But I'm here today and now I'm doing well, I still take antidepressants and antipyschotics but I'm starting to look for voluntary work and get back into the world. I'm the happiest I've been for years. I'm not sure how I got from a to b, it was long and had many factors involved but I just wanted to assure you that it can happen, BPD doesn't have to be a life sentence of hell.
Hugs *hug*
:wave: First of all thank you to all of you for your responses.
I want to respond to all of you because each of you said something important and helpful to me.
Cat_treats:After I read your post, I worked on writing a list of things that I can do to distract and soothe myself when I'm not in the right headspace. I keep it in my top desk drawer so I can get to it easily when I need it.
Fostress: Thank you for reminding me that I am doing something by doing what I can to help others.
Papertongues: I am trying to find a hobby. It is tough because with the PTSD and agoraphobia it limits me to things that I can do within my house. After I saw your post I looked around my house to find something in it that I could craft in to a hobby. I have a lot of extra fabric laying around from old clothes that no longer fit me. I decided to start making stuffed animals out of them and have made two so far. It is fun to create them because then I get to think of how they will look, what their personalities would be, etc. Thank you for your suggestion.:p
RandomGirl: Thank you so much for reminding me that BPD isn't a doom and gloom diagnosis. When I was first diagnosed my therapist told me that I had BPD and then I never had a session with her again. When I showed up for the session we had scheduled the next week, she wasn't there. When I called her she never picked up and never returned my calls. That combined with what I read online made it really hard for me not to think that BPD was a death sentence. I try to remember that I am a good person and although I struggle to regulate my mood and stay calm.... I am capable of doing it. I don't have to be a manipulative problem patient. I really needed that reminder that I can get through this and someday will be able to fully get my life back in to shape. I'm glad to hear that you are doing better and that you are happy! *hug*
Update ***potentially triggering for those with abusive pasts***:
Yesterday I tried to push my boundaries a little bit and I went shopping with my husband. It was really tough being around all those people. I ended up seeing a man yelling at his girlfriend and when they got to the care he hit her. I stood up to him and told him he couldn't do that. I never knew I had a voice like that. It was by far the hardest thing I have ever done. However, it felt amazing to stand up to someone. I never stood up to abusive boyfriends in my past and it felt amazing to know that I was helping (although INCREDIBLY frightening) He got right in my face and threatened me. I was a complete wreck by the time the police came. He is in jail now and no matter how tough it was, atleast I know that I saved that woman from going home and getting hurt.
Today is really hard. Every little noise makes me jump but the silence is even harder. I don't want to sit still and stop because my mind races and the fear and anxiety get worse. I've tried talking to my husband about it. He is incredibly supportive and I know he is trying to help but I really wish I had somewhere I could go and someone else I could talk to. He took the day off from work today but he will have to go back tomorrow. He will be working during the night (the hardest time for me to be alone) and I am so scared.
I have to get through it. I have to remember that I am strong and I have a voice and I can do this. I will try and keep everything you all have said in mind.
I'm sorry this post was so long. Thanks again for all your help.
Hobbies: When I was very unwell I learnt to knit. A friend spent about an hour with me teaching me the basic stitch and then the rest I have learnt from the internet and from books. It's very relaxing once you know what you are doing and is apparently really good for mental health (I heard it on radio four so it must be true!!) I started off in my bedroom hiding away knitting and then when I felt braver I used to go to a local coffee shop and sit on their big comfy sofas and knit for a couple of hours every day. It got me out the house and I came to view the coffee shop as a 'safe' place. When I started at the day long therapy unit it gave me something to do between sessions and I taught several of the other patients how to knit. When an inpatient the nurses can be a bit funny about the knitting needles, they kept taking them off me but they would let me knit if there was somebody to supervise me. Another hobby I took up is painting. At first I was scared to use a paint brush but the therapist just got me to use a palette knife and spread the paint around. I progressed and at the end of last year exhibited some of my work at the hospital art exhibition. I used art to explore some of my feelings; I've done lots of scratchy red pieces representing self-harm and some other pieces that are really meanful to me.
Hope that gives you something to think about.
Hi there,
Sorry to hear your going through such an hard time, i know how you feel though with some of the things you have explained such as the depression, i suffer from servere depression and social axienty and hullcations. You say in your message you feel that your meducation is not working have you been back to your GP and explained to them its not working because they can give you other meducation to try. You also say you dont wont to talk to your husband about things, your husband would worry more if you didnt tell him whats going through your mind for sure. Have you ever spoke to a place called Rethink ? they offer free coucelling and thearpys you may wont have a look at this as it may help you. It does seem you have a very supportive man there looking after you and this is great because you can be there for each other. As for trying not to cut your self have you tryed some stragies like using an eslastic band or an ice cube or phoneing somone one up and talking to somone about how you feel? you can always ring the NHS direct they are very good help and can offer futher help if needed. I hope this helps you im ony 16 so i may not give the best adivce. Im here if you need to talk. Hope your okay.