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Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
in Sex & Relationships
what can you do when somebody who you adore and is like a sister to you, keeps going back to a guy who has treated her like shit, and has hurt her time and time again? we're talking at least 6+ times here. despite the constant advice of everyone who is close to her telling her its such a bad idea, she hasnt listened, and will without a doubt get hurt again, its only a matter of time.

do you just have to stand by and let her get on with it? how do i act with the guy in question? he makes me so angry i dont even want to be in the same presence as him but obviously if they are back together i cant avoid him completely. do i just wait around until it happens again, and how many times can i have her sobbing into my shoulder until it gets through to her that hes bad news?

argh its just so painful seeing somebody you love get hurt over and over again :(

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Nothing you can do. A friend of mine was recently in a damaging relationship and she was under the illusion that everything is her fault. I talked to her and explained the things from my, objective point of view and she realized I was right and she took matter in her own hands.

    If someone was hurt badly, and goes back for more, even when lots of friends advice insistently against it, there is nothing you can do, is there? Sure you can murder him, or put her in shackles, but both are not viable solutions are they?

    Sorry for your friend, but He that will not hear must feel.

    Comes all down to that.

    I know it's hard on you, because you WANT to help. I am a helping person too and it takes a toll and me if I try to help but can't change anything. But there is only so much you can do, and at some point you have to realize you are powerless against such ignorance and come to terms that you better just be her friend but turn a blind eye to her relationship stuff as hard as this sounds.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i know that really this was a bit of a pointless topic because i CANT do anything, like you said, i cant keep her in shackles she has the choice to do whatever she wants. but its just hard to wait around and let it happen again and again. and i really worry that if it does happen again she wont be able to handle it and will do something stupid, to hurt herself. at one point recently we thought she might be having a nervous breakdown. she has a 3 year old daughter who is my goddaughter who i see a lot and am really close to, and seeing as though me and the father (hes the guy) are not on speaking terms i feel like its going to affect my relationship with her :(
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    the only way to help her is having her realize she is having a problem. Maybe you can get her somehow to a therapist or other professional? Or have an intervention with mutual friends? (I only know about them since 'How I met your mother', so I don't know if they are any effective outside comedy value.)

    Other than that I really don't know any other advice except turn a blind eye. Help what is meant to be helped and cut off everything that is rejecting help but dragging you down with it.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I've had friends that have shockingly bad taste in partners too. Its hard but there really is nothing you can do but grit your teeth and try to deal with this guy. Be there for her if and when she realizes she is on to a loser.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    StrubbleS wrote: »
    Nothing you can do. A friend of mine was recently in a damaging relationship and she was under the illusion that everything is her fault. I talked to her and explained the things from my, objective point of view and she realized I was right and she took matter in her own hands.

    If someone was hurt badly, and goes back for more, even when lots of friends advice insistently against it, there is nothing you can do, is there? Sure you can murder him, or put her in shackles, but both are not viable solutions are they?

    Sorry for your friend, but He that will not hear must feel.

    Comes all down to that.

    I know it's hard on you, because you WANT to help. I am a helping person too and it takes a toll and me if I try to help but can't change anything. But there is only so much you can do, and at some point you have to realize you are powerless against such ignorance and come to terms that you better just be her friend but turn a blind eye to her relationship stuff as hard as this sounds.


    its such a hard one chick but you just have to make sure you stick by her and just be there in a general shoulder to cry on! she will eventually realise shes probably just scared of being on her own! x
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi FireyFirenze,

    This is inevitably a very hard situation to deal with and it is understandable that you are hurting because of this. Off course you want the best for your best friend (as well as your goddaughter) however it seems that sometimes the best thing to do is let them learn from their own mistakes. We all want to tell our loved ones how to feel and who to be with, for their best interest, yet it seems that they would only resent us for it and become defensive.

    Perhaps stay the supportive friend that you already have been and in time you can only hope that she will stop going back to her ex and hurting because of it. However if her relationship falls apart and you have shown that you have always been against it, she might wrongly blame you (especially as he is the father of her child) and that wouldn't help your friendship.

    Your friend might hold on to this man because she might be afraid of singledom, especially as a single mother. Perhaps you could make sure she goes out and meets other people? Changing her social circle and perhaps meeting someone else might make her realise that she can be treated better.

    Be patient, hopefully in time the right decision will be made, and until then she will not forget how you have been there all the way.

    Good luck x
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    christele wrote: »
    However if her relationship falls apart and you have shown that you have always been against it, she might wrongly blame you (especially as he is the father of her child) and that wouldn't help your friendship.

    Be patient, hopefully in time the right decision will be made, and until then she will not forget how you have been there all the way.

    Good luck x

    thank you very much christele, i've never really thought about her blaming me, i cant support her in going back to him but i'm going to just try and keep out of it as much as possible. she already knows how i feel about it so i'm just going to try and not say anything else. its actually her husband who shes going back to so i know she feels like she really has to give him chance after chance but hes treated her like absolute dirt which is what makes me so angry because shes beautiful and deserves a lot better. shes actually my cousin but i see her more like a sister and our family is really close, nobody else supports her going back to him either but i guess we'll see.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hello

    I saw your post and had to respond - as I personally have experience of this kind of situation, but from the other side that of your friend.

    For 10 years I have been with my partner off an on - in the beginning it was a more casual basis once, twice a week maybe. Then we had a child together but still couldn't step it upto a full-on family partly because i was still living at home with my parents.

    Now in that time there have been quite a few 'other' girls - 1 was even a full on relationship, within which time he got back with me and yet still unknown to me had the other girl on tap, until i got hold of his phone and found out for myself and also filled the girl in.

    He even had the nerve to propose to me just after i had found him in the pub with another girl (on apparently a friends night out), when i was really ill! so trust me ive been there.

    Now sorry for the waffling but what to say is this: for years my family have warned me about staying with me, friends have tried to make me see the truth, but nothing has worked.

    Until such time as i can survive without him nothing will change - and i suspect the same can be said for your friend. Nomatter what people tell you, its as though you cant see it.

    I know that my partner has an eye for the ladies and I constantly worry he'll stray...again. But life without him? Cant imagine it. All i can say is at least i have him until he doesnt want me anymore...sad i know.
    But you get to a point where you lose your confidence, you dont go out - and then what? a life even more on your own.

    Hope my reply makes a little sense.
    :banghead:
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