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unreliable friends

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
What is the best strategy for dealing with friends who are unreliable and constantly letting you down?

I've got a friend who I get on really well with most of the time, but a constant source of irritation and arguments is his total unreliability and the fact that he will frequently cancel plans at the last minute. He also frequently refuses to make concrete plans, being really vague and casual about everything, so he can keep his options open and then if he decides he has something better to do at the last minute, he can claim he isn't really doing anything wrong by letting me down as he never really agreed to anything in the first place.

He has just done it to me again, and I am furious, partly with him, and partly with myself for continuing to make plans with him and expecting him to keep them only for him to cancel or get a better offer at the last moment.

I get really angry and we always end up falling out about it, and he thinks I am being unreasonable and overreacting, while I think he is treating me inconsiderately and being a selfish twat.

Any thoughts on the appropriate way to respond?

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Have you voiced theses opinions to him? if you have, i would give him a taste of his own medicine, or just stop making plans till he decides to make firm plans with you. Obviously dont fall out with him, just make sure that he knows that your getting sick of him flaking out on you all the time.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yeah I voice them all the time, and we always end up having a huge argument because he accuses me of being overly sensitive, melodramatic and demanding, and I accuse him of being selfish and inconsiderate and thoughtless, and we reach stalemate. Then we will go a couple of weeks without really seeing each other, it all blows over and I forgive and forget, then it happens all over again!

    It makes me question whether he is right that I am being too demanding or expecting too much. I don't think so...but then, I would think that, wouldn't I?! A classic example is my birthday this year. He had been living in a different city for the months prior to that so I hadn't seen him for a while. I had taken my birthday off work and wanted to do something nice with it. I was going out for dinner that evening with my boyfriend, but the friend in question told me he was driving up to the city that day (for other reasons), and so would come up early to spend the day with me. I told him I would have to leave at 5 to meet my boyfriend, but he said that was fine, and he would arrive in time to take me out for lunch.

    So I wait around for him all day - bearing in mind this is my birthday and I have taken it off work as a treat so I can do something nice - and then he texts me at lunch time to say "hey, I'm just leaving now, will be there about 4pm". I was furious - had he told me earlier that he couldn't come, I would have made other plans. But instead I wasted my day off waiting for him to arrive, when he couldn't be arsed to leave early enough to meet me! I was furious and this led to a huge row - I don't think I'm being unreasonable to be cross about this right?

    He has done something similar again today - we had casually (of course) agreed to spend this evening together and he cancelled at lunch time today so he can play football instead. Grrrr!

    I think your advice is good. It just makes me a bit sad because if I wait for him to make firm plans, that means I just won't see him, and when I do spend time with him we get on great and have lots of fun. Annoying! I hate flakiness.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ahh the eternal problem of flaky friends. i dont really have any advice just that i really sympathise with your problem, i've had exactly the same thing. i would make plans with this person and she would aaaalways let me down. what helped me was, i started still making plans with her, but always assume that they werent going to happen, so that if she cancelled, i wouldnt be too disappointed, and if she didnt cancel, it was a bonus that we were doing something. does that make any sense? it still doesnt help with them not being a flake but it helped me!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ahh the eternal problem of flaky friends. i dont really have any advice just that i really sympathise with your problem, i've had exactly the same thing. i would make plans with this person and she would aaaalways let me down. what helped me was, i started still making plans with her, but always assume that they werent going to happen, so that if she cancelled, i wouldnt be too disappointed, and if she didnt cancel, it was a bonus that we were doing something. does that make any sense? it still doesnt help with them not being a flake but it helped me!

    You are right and I try to do this as much as possible. I tolerate a certain degree of flakiness, even though I hate it, because I know that that is just what he is like.

    But on certain occasions - like the birthday case above - I can't really afford to go into it thinking hey, maybe he'll bail on me but no matter, because I've committed to spending my limited free time with him and if he lets me down then my plans are buggered. If it's a casual arrangement to meet for coffee and he lets me down, I'll take that on the chin. But when I've kept an evening free to see him, it makes me mad! Had I known he was going to let me down tonight, I would have made other plans.

    :grump:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    [QUOTE=jamelia;2337929
    He has just done it to me again, and I am furious, partly with him, and partly with myself for continuing to make plans with him and expecting him to keep them only for him to cancel or get a better offer at the last moment.
    [/QUOTE]


    Don't bother with him. let him make the plans and arrangements. if he doesn't bother like a cirtain someone in my life, they ARE NOT real friends and not worth it. MOVE ON!! you are worth more!!!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Some people just aren't good at and/or don't like being tied down to plans. This is fine except when a conrete plan has been agreed and definitely not fine for birthdays. I would be furious if someone pissed me around with plans for an important event like a birthday, for other things... I would probably not be too mad about it - I am a loose plan kind of person myself so...
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