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Abusive relationship

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
I stupidly got into a bad relationship a few months back and things have steadily gone from bad to worse. Last night I ended up being verbally abused for over an hour in my home and also was hit hard several times. Fortunately my housemates were out, but I am worrying about their safety as well. He talks to them and is friendly when they're around, but he has a really nasty temper which they haven't seen, I think he won't do anything to harm them as his problem is with me and what I've done. He told me I have until Friday to leave the area (to begin with he told me not to come back from my mum's as I'm visiting her as my dad's ashes are being interned tomorrow).

The arguments have got worse over the past month, I found out I was pregnant with his baby and had an abortion, which he hates and brings up nearly every time he sees me. Admittedly I didn't handle the situation too well. I knew he would try to pressurise me to keep the baby and I knew what I wanted to do, so I didn't tell him. He justifies his anger towards me by saying if I'd have told him about being pregnant straightaway he wouldn't feel this way. I'd hoped that he'd lost interest in me as the night before I took the pregnancy test he shouted at me over something small and called me a stupid white slut. I suppose emotionally, in my mind, I find it easy to shut off my feelings for someone once they say or do something abusive, it's just the practicalites of moving on and making sure it doesn't happen again that I have trouble with. The main reason for me not wanting to keep the baby is precisely this. Even though I haven't known him too long it's obvious he can't control his temper and has a track record of being sent to prison for assault. At the moment he has a case against him for threatening to burn down his sister's house, he also threatened me with this last night. I didn't call the Police as I had a feeling he would calm down and come back and apologise which he did.

I feel less scared after he came back and apologised, although I do think moving away is the best thing for me to do. He's a territorial 'I've lived here all my life and don't want to have to see you around type', so not exactly an emotionally mature person. I'm due to start a new job on Tuesday which is finally in a field I enjoy, so I don't want to move away from the city where I'm living now. I've been scanning all the private letting agents sites and have seen somewhere which looks affordable, so fingers crossed I can go have a look tomorrow. My only concern is for Friday. I won't contact him or anything, but what if he does come to my house and tries to cause trouble? How can I stay safe?


  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    First of all sorry to hear you've been through this and well done for coming here looking for help.

    I definately think leaving him and moving out is the best thing to do and you have a good head on your shoulders not to contact him.

    Dont give him your new address but if he does find you, threatens you in anyway to your face or via phone/text, contact the police straight away.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    he sounds really scary. when he made this threat, did he say it verbally? i'm just wondering because if it's a text you could show it to the police. even if it was verbal, maybe jot down the date, time, location he said it. just so you have a record. i know you said he seems to have calmed down but if he gives you any more hassle i think this should help your case. i really hope everything works out.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    His threats were just verbal, although he did allegedly send threatening texts to his sister, so I guess there is a chance that may happen. There was another person who witnessed what he did and said but I very much doubt he would back me up if I went to the Police.

    I'm not sure whether speaking to the council about emergency accomodation would be an idea, I'm not sure that I would qualify, but I'm just trying to think of as many get out options as possible at the moment.

    Also, I'm not sure whether to speak to my housemate who I've lived with the longest about this. She knows nothing of me having an abortion, this is another thing I'm being sort of being blackmailed about by my ex. I basically didn't tell her because she'd just got back from travelling a few days before I went in. He thinks I've not mentioned it out of shame, which isn't the case, there's just not an easy way of bringing up the subject. I am sure she would understand and not hate me for what I've done, which is what my ex is trying to convince me is how she'll feel.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Im sure she wont hate you, why should she?? I think you should tell someone close to you about this. You're right, your ex is being vindictive and controlling.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    A threat is a threat, an apology shouldn't make you feel safer. Call the police, let them know he's threatened you and you feel for your safety. You can also get a order against him to stay away from you. Don't feel like you should move.

    My friend is currently going through a similar situation.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi flibberty

    I'm so sorry to hear you're in this situation. Luckily it sounds as though you're being very level-headed about it, which is great.

    I cannot stress the importance here of keeping a record of all dates and times of events, as well as anything that could prove what he's been doing to you.

    As JavaKrypt says, you can get a court order to protect you from him, but the court needs reasonable evidence that abuse or harassment has been occurring in order to grant you one. The order you would need is called a non-molestation order, and in it you can specify what your partner may or may not do in terms of his contact with you. So for example, it might say he can't come withing 100 yards of your house, he may not send you text messages or contact you by phone, he may not attempt to intimidate you and he may not incite others to intimidate you.

    For now, I would write down all you can remember of what's been going on, and pop down to your local police station to talk to someone there. You can ask if there's a DAIT member (Domestic Abuse Investigation Team) or an IDVA (Independent Domestic Violence Advocate) at the station and talk to them if you want; they can support you much better than your average bobbies.

    When you say emergency accommodation, what do you mean? For an emergency transfer you need very good evidence, supported by police call-outs, and usually proof that other members of your household are affected. If you mean emergency accommodation as in B&B accommodation, you can be offered this but will also probably need to make a homelessness application to your council to get things moving in the longer term. This is absolutely doable, but in your case you're at risk of the council saying you've made yourself 'intentionally homeless', so seek advice from a housing officer first. I know it sounds ludicrous, but I worked with a woman last year who was 7 months pregnant - her partner had tried to set her little boy on fire, punched her in the stomach and pushed her out of a bedroom window, and by leaving the property and refusing to go back with no proof of previous police call-outs or doctor's supporting notes, she was told the council had no duty to house her as she'd made herself homeless.

    If you feel comfortable doing this, it could also help your case to make sure you've said to him, in front of reliable witnesses, that you don't want anything to do with him any more and that you would like him to leave you alone. It sounds silly, but having made that statement the court can't argue you haven't made your wishes clear (which has also happened in another case I worked on).

    Hope some of that helps; keep us updated and best of luck.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks for the good advice everyone.

    I think I'll have a word with my housemates when I get back today, just to let them know what's been happening. After a good night's sleep I've realised just how little what he's saying makes sense, he's obviously just playing mind games. It does feel as though he wants to somehow make me feel guilty about having an abortion, it might sound bad but I don't. I think my mates would see where I'm coming from with that and why I don't want to have a baby for a man who hits women. Worst case scenario is they'll probably think I was stupid to get pregnant, which I agree with (although I was using condoms with him all along, so it's not as though I was being completely careless).

    Anyway, I don't want to feel forced into moving, so I will stay put for now. I'll keep making a note of any verbal/physical threats and save any text messages to back things up. He's in court next week, so the chances are he'll probably be in prison for a few months, which will give me time to plan my escape without feeling too pressured. Also if he does anything to me between now and then it will look extremely bad for him, so I do feel if I contact the Police my case probably will be listened to. He threatened the Police last time he got arrested and I can see him doing the same again.
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