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Have I messed it up?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hey there,

My boyfriend Robert and I have been happy for over a year and are planning on moving in together soonish, except recently I've been struggling with a lot of issues with my mental health, which I am getting sorted.

However, the other week I had an explicit dream about one of his mates, a guy which I know very little about and have never had any feelings for. The problem is that in the dream I enjoyed the act and was aware of how wrong it was, which added to the thrill but when I woke up i felt horrible and sick so I confessed it to my partner. I admit that I did not go the right way about it and was annoyed with him at the time (as well as a bit drunk) and so it might have sounded worse than it was.

I'd been beating myself up for the last few days about the dream before I told him, and decided that the only way I was going to feel better was to talk to him about it. I regret telling him anything now as he now doubts my faithfulness.
Previous to him I was in a very unhappy relationship whilst at University, which is when my issues with mental health first arose, and I drank a lot to compensate. I cheated alot on my University boyfriend but then I met my new partner, and ended it as soon as I could.
Since then I have been happy with Robert and haven't looked at another man. I know I haven't had a very good past record but I'm a very different person from who I used to be.

He now worries that I've lost interest in our relationship and that I'm going to be unfaithful. We speak at night but we just upset each other, it's not the same, he's away at the moment and I only hope that when we see each other it will sort out. It's tearing me apart that I've messed it up so badly, I'm losing sleep and not eating properly, I've just started a new job and I'm not functioning right. I don't know what to do to make it right again, he doesn't want to end the relationship but he can't trust me.

Please help me out :(
Thank you for reading my post!


  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey, you shouldn't feel bad- you don't have control over what you dream!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    He can't trust you because you had a dream?

    To be honest this sounds like a silly little thing that has been blown out of all proportion because it was approached from the start as though it mattered.

    I once had a really saucy dream about my boyfriend's best friend. I woke up afterwards, woke my boyfriend up to tell him about it, we both had a good giggle and went back to sleep.

    If you approach a little subject like that as though it's a big deal, he'll probably assume that you're being all dramatic about it because there's more to it than you're letting on.

    Either that or he's a giant drama queen. Leave it alone, move on, talk to him about other things that are important, like your lives, and what you think about when you're awake, and it will calm down after a while.

    And if it doesn't, you need to seriously assess your relationship. If a dream nearly breaks you up, you are sure as hell not going to make it through life's actual stresses and strains.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi StrawberryJelly and welcome to the boards :wave:

    It sounds like there's quite a lot going on in your life at the moment, with your mental health issues, new job and now this strain on your relationship as well. It doesn't sound very easy - and sometimes relationships do end up showing the strain when there's a lot of other stuff going on as well.

    Skakitty is right that you don't have control over what you dream - and I reckon you'd find that most people (perhaps even him) have had sexual dreams about someone else whilst in a relationship. So try not to feel bad about this in itself - especially if you know that in reality, you don't have any feelings for this guy. Whilst dreaming, your brain is processing all sorts of feelings, information and experiences and sometimes muddles them together in weird ways. They don't have to mean anything!

    However, when dreams can have impact on reality is how people react to them when awake. Different people do react to these things in different ways - some people can brush them off, whereas other people start to worry or become jealous. Do you think your partner is feeling insecure in general at the moment? Have there been other difficulties in your relationship recently? Perhaps you can see this as an opportunity to try and build the trust in your relationship - often when relationships go through difficult patches they can come out the other side stronger.

    You don't mention how long your boyfriend is away for but perhaps you could think about writing him an email, being really open and honest about how you feel and what you want - and saying how you are looking forward to seeing him and getting things back on track when you get back. Maybe, just some reassurance of how much you want things to work will help?

    Have a look at this link on Communicating as a Couple and this one on Dealing with Arguments for some more suggestions on how to communicate through difficult patches.

    Best of luck with everything and keep posting :)
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