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Cheated Years Ago

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Several years ago I cheated on my kids mother. I was a much younger, more selfish, and a much dumber man then. A few years after the affair we got divorced and I am re-married. My son is now 18 and my daughter is now 16. They are both good kids and deserve better. Last week their mother told them what happened 14 years ago. My son is handling it ok but my daughter is very upset, and not even talking to me. I have always taught my kids to be better..... to never make excuses.... to always expect more of themselves and others. They have always had a lot of respect for my character so this is a serious blow.

1) How do I teach my son that it is not ok to cheat on his gf's or wife? To not lie just because it might benefit him at the time?

2) How do I get my daughter to not throw out all of the positive things I taught her over her life when she wont even talk to me?

3) How do I deal with the guilt and pain that I have related to my baby girls "hate" for me?

I have always been there for my kids and judged other fathers harshly for not doing the same. I will not run or abandon them but the pain of this is intense that for the first time running away seems like a less painfull option. Retiring to a beach in Mexico or Guam seems like the answer. Im not going to do that I am just trying to illistrate how bad it hurts.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well, apart from that indescretion years ago, you sound like a good dad.
    It may take some time, but i think just communication with them is best. sorry can't help you more, i don't have children, but, i hope things get sorted. Let us know what happens, and how you feel. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Why did their mum tell them about it? How did she possibly think the kids would gain from knowing that?

    I can't give you any advice really other than to be honest and genuine - you obviously love your kids and at the end of it that's what will shine through - but I hope it all works out for you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    mend wrote: »
    I was a much younger, more selfish, and a much dumber man then ... Last week their mother told them what happened 14 years ago.

    I think the key to your defence is right there in your post - you were much younger and sillier back then. And if your wife feels that you have since proved yourself as a husband and a father, I think a large part of the reconciliation with your children is down to her. She caused the situation and so she should defend your corner now.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i think you need to tell your daughter to stop overreacting. It was a long time ago and if your partner has forgiven you, its not her place to give you the cold shoulder.
    Stupid of your partner to tell them
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi mend

    In addition to what the others have said, I just wanted to add that it was only last week that they found out. Give them some time to assimilate the information and get their heads around it before you start worrying too much.
    i think you need to tell your daughter to stop overreacting. It was a long time ago and if your partner has forgiven you, its not her place to give you the cold shoulder.
    Stupid of your partner to tell them

    Don't know how much I agree with this. She might be overreacting, but telling her she's reacting 'wrong' or her feelings aren't valid is only going to give her something to kick back against even harder. Something that might help is to make it really clear to them that if they have questions about it, that you will answer them honestly and calmly. That might help to initiate a constructive conversation and get it dealt with, rather than initiating more conflict.
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