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friend with benefits
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I'm not really sure what to do about my current situation, I have a male friend who i occasionaly go to spend some time with, when i stay over we sleep in the same bed, we have sex, we flirt and play fight etc.
At first I knew he wasnt looking for a relationship which suited me perfectly, but then his behaviour suggested otherwise and i kinda liked the idea, then he had a word with me just to be sure I wasnt expecting it to turn into something more as he wasnt looking for a relationship yet. This works for me as I dont have the time to devote to a boyfriend at the moment, but I know that fuckbuddies dont really work, someone always ends up getting hurt. I like the guy a lot, we speak every day, but i cant figure out if its worth sticking with or if im gona get hurt somewhere down the line.
I thought to myself maybe I shouldnt go see him so much anymore, but then he offers to come see me and i cant resist, I love his company. I dont want to loose a close friend but then im concerned i may end up heartbroken.
Any thoughts or advice would be welcome, I've never been in this situation before so not a clue what to do.
At first I knew he wasnt looking for a relationship which suited me perfectly, but then his behaviour suggested otherwise and i kinda liked the idea, then he had a word with me just to be sure I wasnt expecting it to turn into something more as he wasnt looking for a relationship yet. This works for me as I dont have the time to devote to a boyfriend at the moment, but I know that fuckbuddies dont really work, someone always ends up getting hurt. I like the guy a lot, we speak every day, but i cant figure out if its worth sticking with or if im gona get hurt somewhere down the line.
I thought to myself maybe I shouldnt go see him so much anymore, but then he offers to come see me and i cant resist, I love his company. I dont want to loose a close friend but then im concerned i may end up heartbroken.
Any thoughts or advice would be welcome, I've never been in this situation before so not a clue what to do.
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Comments
Trouble is, this guy was a friend to you first, and I'm sorry but in my opinion you can't keep your feelings of plutonic love from taking that natural step into romantic ones. I think you need to stop sleeping with him while you can keep the part of your relationship you truly value intact: his company. You never know, things may evolve romantically from there
Like Evenstar says, these type of relationships are most often tricky.
:yes: it's really important to be honest with yourself about how you're feeling and to be open with this guy too. I think TheSite.org's article on fuck buddies hits the nail on the head.
When you've become close enough to a good friend to be intimate with them, that's often a sign that the person is special to you and perhaps worth holding onto a good mate beyond a 'friends with benefits' scenario. Often these situations aren't sustainable and so it's great that you're thinking about protecting yourself before it all gets too much.
Good luck and let us know how you get on.
i just got confused by him, the first time i went to see him i was only expecting sex and to spend an evening together, it was him who asked if he could have me the night and i was shocked when he kissed me goodbye the next morning. I tend to keep my distance and not be touchy feely, but he offered to cuddle me in bed and was resting his hand on my inside leg when we watched tv, said i could put my leg between his to be comfey on the couch etc. This weekend he cooked dinner and breakfast, i guess im just enjoying the attention when iv been out of a relationship so long.
I guess I'll wait and see what happens, ill make no special effort and just expect the worst. Best policy right?
This made me think, nail on head. I had a friends with benefits situation with one of my friends for a while and it got messy and caused me loads of upset, and I think the main reason was that even though I didn't want to be his girlfriend, I still felt rejected when he didn't want to sleep with me. Either because he was sleeping with someone else, or because he was doing other stuff - it just made me feel bad and insecure.
So even when you are clear about the boundaries and they are acquaintances you sleep with and nothing else, you can still find yourself feeling hurt and miserable when they, for whatever reason, don't want to sleep with you. With my fuck buddy, I wanted it to be no-strings - but I still wanted it to be ongoing, rather than a one-off every now and then. So I would get my hopes up when I had free time, and invite him over and if he wasn't up for it for whatever reason then I felt pretty rubbish. Which was especially confusing given that I knew I didn't want to be his girlfriend!
I think you have to be very, very self-confident, self-sufficient and secure to cope well with the idea of completely no strings sex. It sounds great in theory, but in practice, it can leave you feeling pretty miserable, if you're not confident and secure enough to feel good about yourself without them wanting to shag you. It can be done, but I'm no good at it.
I've made a thread about this yonks ago and I find this attitude fantastic. Most girls are just not in for it, tho. Never met one at least.
I've already distanced myself from him, not sat close on the couch or kissed him goodbye. Or even answered his call when i got home. Its easy to do these things, but he just doesnt help. I've got excuses ready for the next time he asks. Still going to be difficult though, we speak everyday, love talking to him, hopefully I wont loose the friendship.
I can't stress how important what Evenstar has said! I've had it happen to me 3 times now... (not to sound like a slag) But some of my previous 'friends' have all had feelings for me and wanted to go further, yet I make it very clear I'm not looking for a relationship - Shit still happens ey?
You want to try put it in a friendly way.... not too rude! Good luck!
It's not being facetious, it readily happens.
I dont know if he's had any recent contact with her, and the past two weekends iv spent with him which was his offer. I've labeled him a player to his face and he was quite offended even though it was always a joke.
I guess I kinda secretly hoped there was something for us down the line, just neither of us were looking for comitment in any form yet. I'm not overly jealous i dont think, but im having doubts. I've met one of his parents and some friends, he always makes an effort with me, i thought it put a positive spin on things but now im thinking of stopping contact again, i dont want to, but for my own good. Perhaps ill feel better if its on my terms as im expecting it to end via him.