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Am I being used?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I am 22, never been in a proper relationship. I focused on uni, getting a good job and my own place, which I have acheived. I don't get out much - mainly because I am new to the city where I work and moved here for the job and secondly because I am quite happy alone and socialising at work. The people I work with live miles away and commute to work so don't go out with them that often.

Anyway as a result I joined an online dating site and waited until I found somebody who I class as 'ideal'. I find a man with aims and goals very attraction and knows what he wants in life. So found this man, ticked all of my boxes and he's a teacher.

We met in real life for the first time last week, went for a meal and he came back to mine (I invited). We ended up kissing, which was nice, but then he suggested having sex, which I said no, as im not like that.

Anyway his communication has become less frequent since and I set up a fake online dating profile and messaged him, pretending I was up for casual sex and he agreed to meet!!

Should I just quit the communications as he is not the man he makes out to be?

Thanks for any help, I am totally new to this dating lark!

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Did he tell you that he wouldn't have sex before marriage? If not, you might be being a little unfair on him. A lot of people won't consider getting serious in a relationship unless sex is on the cards, perhaps that's why he cooled off a little. Having said that, if that's not what you want then yes, it's probably best if you look for someone else.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I am not bothered about the sex before marriage thing, I don't believe in it. What I was trying to say is having sex on the first date is defintely out of the question.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I am 22, never been in a proper relationship. I focused on uni, getting a good job and my own place, which I have acheived. I don't get out much - mainly because I am new to the city where I work and moved here for the job and secondly because I am quite happy alone and socialising at work. The people I work with live miles away and commute to work so don't go out with them that often.

    Anyway as a result I joined an online dating site and waited until I found somebody who I class as 'ideal'. I find a man with aims and goals very attraction and knows what he wants in life. So found this man, ticked all of my boxes and he's a teacher.

    We met in real life for the first time last week, went for a meal and he came back to mine (I invited). We ended up kissing, which was nice, but then he suggested having sex, which I said no, as im not like that.

    Anyway his communication has become less frequent since and I set up a fake online dating profile and messaged him, pretending I was up for casual sex and he agreed to meet!!

    Should I just quit the communications as he is not the man he makes out to be?

    Thanks for any help, I am totally new to this dating lark!

    I think it's fair to say that this guy is ultimately looking for sex and is not too fussed if that doesn't include any kind of bonding. Nobody, apart from himself, can say for definite if that's ALL he is looking for, but he's certainly happy to have that without any strings and so you can't rely on him to come back for more if you accept his advances. And the fact that his communication has become less frequent does tell a story.

    I would suggest you forget that guy as it sounds like he has different objectives to yourself. Keep on looking, don't give up hope, and stick to your values and your wants. Not every guy will be looking purely for hook-ups.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Meh.

    Back in school, we did silly fundrasing for Children In Need every year. One of the fundrasing events was a dating agency where you filled in a form with different tickboxes. One of the questions was "Do you want either a) Long term relationship, b) Short term relationship, c) A quick fling?" Surely there must be something similar on these dating sites to separate guys who just want quick sex and those like you Missindependent who is looking for longer term? If the agency doesn't ask this question, then this problem is simply waiting to happen.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The thing is, some people will be happy with any of those options, being happy to have a fling doesn't mean you wouldn't also be happy in a committed monogomous (blurgh) long term relationship.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru

    ..., which I said no, as im not like that.

    What is it what you are not like?
    A Person that likes sex? A person that has sex before marriage?

    How did he lie about himself? Was one of the boxes you ticked "Not going to have sex until the x-th date?"

    So you had a nice date, were kissing and he suggested sex. Sounds very normal and reasonable to me. Maybe I'm odd, but inviting someone home and making out and NOT having sex sounds odd to me.

    Maybe look for a priest then?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't think it's odd to invite someone over without intending to have sex, sometimes you want to get to know someone better first.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    katralla wrote: »
    I don't think it's odd to invite someone over without intending to have sex, sometimes you want to get to know someone better first.

    This is not odd, true.

    But after making out? Does this count as "getting to know someone better" too? If a girl makes out with me in her house and sends me home then I'd have a feeling she was just teasing me.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hell no, making out is not an invitation to fuck, not in my book/house.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    katralla wrote: »
    Hell no, making out is not an invitation to fuck, not in my book/house.
    Indeed.

    There is no invitation to fuck until you say 'let's fuck'.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The idea that someone has been a 'tease' just means you weren't diong the other stuff right - it can and should all be enjoyed for what it is, not merely a precursor to sex.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think there are a couple of different issues to untangle there.

    If girl A invites boy B back to her place, makes out with him, and then decides she's had enough and sends him home, he has no right to sex, and this cannot be an excuse or justification for rape or sexual assault. So in that sense, I'm in agreement with katralla and Franki, that making out is not an invitation to fuck.

    That said, if you do those things you must realise he will think he is in there, and so if you then send him packing (which you are well within your rights to do) you have still led him on and given him the wrong impression, and shouldn't be surprised if he is a bit put out or aggrieved.

    Just because we have a right to do something (ie, lead someone to believe we are going to fuck them and then at the last minute change our minds) doesn't mean that we should do those things, so where possible, we ought to try not to send mixed messages or give a false impression of what we want from someone.

    I'm not saying the OP had sent mixed messages, by the way. Nor am I saying that if you send mixed messages the bloke has a right to rape you - he doesn't. But he might have a right to feel aggrieved if you spend all night leading him to believe he's going to get laid then change your mind at the last minute.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Eh, no way -inviting someone to my house for a little make out is in no way an invitation for sex. Where's the mixed message? 'Come to my house' doesn't mean let's fuck, never has and never will.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Inviting someone into your house and making out with them when you've no intention of sleeping with them is a pretty hazy message to send out, I think. Obviously you have a right to send out such unclear and mixed messages if you so choose, and no man has the right to force himself on you if you do so.

    But if you do that without making clear that you're not interested in sex, only some kissing, then that makes you a not very nice person, in my opinion. Why not just be honest, and say from the outset what you want so there are no hurt feelings or bruised egos?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think that's just plain weird, and think the other way around, there's no sex on the cards unless it has been made clear that there is. I don't give out hazy messages.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If some bloke did it to me I would be pissed off.

    I wouldn't think I had a right to have sex with him. But I would definitely think he had misled me, and would feel stupid and embarrassed and like a dickhead afterwards for having got the wrong impression, when really he had allowed me to get the wrong impression.

    I wouldn't like someone to do it to me, therefore I shouldn't do it to anyone else.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    So, if someone invites you to their house (in context, this is after a date), you expect that sex is on the cards?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    katralla wrote: »
    The idea that someone has been a 'tease' just means you weren't diong the other stuff right - it can and should all be enjoyed for what it is, not merely a precursor to sex.

    or that she wasn't planning on doing it anyway. See OP.
    katralla wrote: »
    I think that's just plain weird, and think the other way around, there's no sex on the cards unless it has been made clear that there is. I don't give out hazy messages.

    As if that ever happens. I for one am one to ask early enough to know what is awaiting me, but usually sex is something that happens spontaneous, and is not made clear from beginning.


    Totally agree with jamelia there. She describes my opinion better than I could.
    katralla wrote: »
    So, if someone invites you to their house (in context, this is after a date), you expect that sex is on the cards?

    If this question is also directed at me: No. I don't. I don't expect anything. But I start to expect it when she starts to make out with me. Like jamelia said, yea, I have no right to do and expect anything, but that's the bitch expectation is. If someone leds you to believe you are going to have sex (and be honest, making out IS the precursor to sex 99% of the time, or do you just go with someone to bed without kissing them beforehand), but then you don't it feels pretty pretty shitty.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Not necessarily if they invite me in, no. If they make out with me, then yes, probably.

    Certainly, if they were going to make out with me but didn't want to fuck me, I would expect them to make that clear before making out with me.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I wouldn't take an invitation to a girl's house as an invitation to sex, kissing or no kissing. I think it would be an arrogant assumption to make, and I won't be guilty of that kind of arrogance.

    I can't see a reason why I'd feel I was misled. Even if a girl made it seem like she did want sex I'd still totally allow for her changing her mind, and I wouldn't throw a pissy fit about it. If I was into the girl and chose to spend my time with her for reasons other than getting a quick ride then I don't see how I could possibly feel so terrible about not getting sex. Unless I felt like my time was somehow wasted, in which case I'd consider myself an asshole for feeling that way. Not that I ever will.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well, I like fucking but I also like making out for the sake of making out.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    katralla wrote: »
    Well, I like fucking but I also like making out for the sake of making out.

    Yeah, me too, if I am told not to get my hopes up beforehand. Better than nothing then.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    StrubbleS wrote: »
    Yeah, me too, if I am told not to get my hopes up beforehand. Better than nothing then.


    Yeah, that was my point. I would be perfectly up for some snogging and nothing else, but it's the decent thing to do to make it clear that that's all that's on the cards.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i think snogging in someones house on their sofa, after being invited in (not as a party or something with other people there) well id assume it was foreplay.
    Id be pissed off/hurt/embarrassed if someone then sent me packing, and whilst of course, anyone has the right to say no at any point, id probably not be as interested in seeing that person again.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i think snogging in someones house on their sofa, after being invited in (not as a party or something with other people there) well id assume it was foreplay.
    Id be pissed off/hurt/embarrassed if someone then sent me packing, and whilst of course, anyone has the right to say no at any point, id probably not be as interested in seeing that person again.

    Wow, didn't expect tailwind when I saw you posting here, but it's reassuring that other people think so too.
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