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Self-Harm
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
So my life kinda sucks at the moment. One minute I am perfectly happy and the next minute I am sad and really depressed. I don't know what triggers it, i mean i have good friends and family but i really want it to stop.
This has been going on for roughly half a year now and i spoke up about how i am feeling a while ago. I still havn't been diagnosed, it's like a waiting game.
The problem is things seem to be getting worse. A few weeks ago I started to self-harm and it has now become a regualar thing, I know that I shouldnt do it but it's become an addiction...
I feel kinda empty. Like I have no purpose.
I keep getting horrible messages on formspring from annymous senders... basically they tell me I am a worthless emo bitch. its hurts to have someone hate me for no good reason.
I was wondering whether anyone has been through something similar? It would be nice to feel understood for once xx
This has been going on for roughly half a year now and i spoke up about how i am feeling a while ago. I still havn't been diagnosed, it's like a waiting game.
The problem is things seem to be getting worse. A few weeks ago I started to self-harm and it has now become a regualar thing, I know that I shouldnt do it but it's become an addiction...
I feel kinda empty. Like I have no purpose.
I keep getting horrible messages on formspring from annymous senders... basically they tell me I am a worthless emo bitch. its hurts to have someone hate me for no good reason.
I was wondering whether anyone has been through something similar? It would be nice to feel understood for once xx
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Comments
Manic Depression is extremely common. Both of my parents suffer from this illness. "To walk ten feet and not bump into a person with Manic Depression is impossible," my mother once told me. Apart from my parents, I have also met a teacher's assistant who suffers from this illness. It is were a person will suffer from bouts of depression and mania, and is often quite easy to control with medication, depending on how bad the illness is. But most can lead a fairly normal life.
What you seem to describe sounds like an acute version of some of the symptons. Mania can sometimes induce hallucinations and such, but this is only usually with extreme manic episodes. Depression can sometimes lead to self harming and such, which would explain why you are self harming. And if you have found that these symptons seem to be worsening, this may be the case. Sometimes eviromental and heriditary elements can factor into causes of a certian illness, but there are other reasons. No one is at fault.
As I say, I am no expert, but I hope this helps.
And just so you know, you have already committed an act of great bravery. Admitting to yourself that you have a problem and seeking help for said problem is a huge leap forward, and one that many do not have the confidence to take. Take me for an example. I have been experiencing what you have for over a year now, and have not gathered the courage to speak to someone about it yet.
So, if you need to talk to someone else who understands what you're going through, feel free to talk to me. You are not alone, my friend. Not alone.
Thankyou
_______
'We wear the mask that grins and lies, It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes, This debt we pay to human guile; With torn and bleeding hearts we smile.' - Paul Laurence
Many are asking me, "Are you okay?"
Sometimes it becomes frustrating. It needs to be understood that I am aware of the dangers of mental illnesses and that there is a large chance that I could develop one and that if there is something wrong with me, I will tell them in my own time. I assume they fear waiting for me to be ready to tell them with be waiting a little to late.
They may be right. Or wrong.
Anyway, I am glad that the information I have provided has helped. And on the subject of genetics, that is another point. It may be a good idea to ask your parents whether there is any history of mental illnesses in the family. Mental illnesses are hereditary and people who have a family history of them are more likely to have them.
And thank you for asking.
and my mum suffered/suffers with Depression, but its not very obvious anymore
you're welcome x
_______
'We wear the mask that grins and lies, It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes, This debt we pay to human guile; With torn and bleeding hearts we smile.' - Paul Laurence Dunbar
"Oh honey," my mother sighs, her tone patronizing as she nods her head slowly. "I understand. Your aunt did that exact thing before she was diagnosed with schizphrenia."
That is all I hear from my mother. She claims that this is to make me more aware of mental illnesses. I tell her I don't need to be more aware than I am already. That these comments just hurt me. Does she listen? Never.
That must have been hard to deal with. When my mother is depressed she refuses to do anything all day and is severely spiteful towards anyone who tries to intefere with this. A depressed parent is the worst.
Sometimes, I just wish I could escape, you know?
I understand completely where you are coming from, i tend to stay up in my room all the time, to try and avoid my family. They argue so much. It makes me more upset to be in the middle of an argument.
What kind of things do you do when your feeling down?
I usually escape to my room. My family argue alot. Mostly about me. So I attempt to just block it out. I listen to music most of the time. I love Green Day, Muse, Paramore, etc. Other times I read books or attempt to write an excerpt of a random story idea I had just had. It helps me cope alot of the time.
What do you do when you are upset?
and I Draw or Write Poems.. I can normally express myself with stuff like that
but recently I tend to just cut myself... Seems like an easier way out ... if you get what I mean? I know it sounds weird but it helps me.. I really need to stop doing it. But Its easier said than done.
Nor is writing a story about a boy who is suffering from Muscular Dystrophy who meets a girl with a pessimistic outlook on life and an attitude. And the ending is seriously depressing, and, if this is even possible, may be the most realistic while being unrealistic thing in the world.
But music is my most favoruite escape. To just lose yourself in the music. Although I have never heard of Mayday Parade , but I will listen to them and test them out. I am always open to new things.
And I did once attempt poems. I once wrote a poem in English called Lee the Butterfly. I can vaguely remember it going something like this:
I have a butterfly,
His name is Lee,
He likes to eat pea's,
For his tea,
Then watch the sun set,
Over the sea,
And that is my butterfly,
Called Lee.
Which, in my defense, I was eleven at the time of writing it and literature wasn't exactly my strong point at the time. Although my teacher had praised me and said I made a wonderful poet. I suspect she only said this because I had read it out in front of the whole class, though.
Those were the good days.
I understand. Self harming is an easy way out. The relief I feel when the blood seeps through my skin. It is like the stress of the day is escaping with it. I do notice, however, that my self harming becomes more frequent and the cuts become more deep each time I do it. But, as I say, I vaguely remember committing the act in the first place.
Ohhh , i read this book about a girl with cancer a while ago .. It's called 'Before I Die' and its by Jenny Downham... I'd recommend this book to anyone
Wow how did you come up with the idea for that story??!! i tried writing a story once, it didnt go very well xD
I love to just put in my headphones and forget about the world
Wow ... i never thought of it that way before , and yeah.. you're totally right about it being addictive! to me it feels like a comfort... Inside i am all messed up and I feel constantly out of controll... and when i self-harm it feels as though i can get a grip of myself - like i can finally make sense of things. Everything just kinda stops in that one moment.
I have recently been reading a series of books called The Darkest Powers series. It is about a fifteen year old who is sent to a group home for disturbed children after claiming to see a ghost in the hallway. But, as it proggresses, she soon learns that the ghost, had in fact, been real, and that the other people in her group home are not as normal, or as normal as teenagers with mental illnesses can be, as she once thought. Nor is the group home.
It is really good. I reccomend it.
Writing a story is like walking. Natrually, you have been provided with the tools to produce such. Imagination. Although, my imagination comes to me in bouts of random inspiration. Resulting in several excerpts of random story ideas and no continuing leads. Take now, for example:
With hesitance, he took a slender finger and gently tucked the stray golden lock behind her ear. "Why must you hate me, Elizabeth?" His dark eyes searched her vacant gaze, his brow furrowing as he gently began to stroke the wayward strand of hair he had just fixed.
Her tone was bland, her snort derisive as she rolled her midnight blue eyes. "I do not hate you. I hate myself. I hate the way I feel about you. It is pathetic. I look in the mirror in disgust. What a vile emotion to feel. Love." Her lip curled in disgust.
Aaron looked at her then. Her vivid eyes gleaming, her golden locks cascading, her mouth rosy. With a smile, he leaned forward slightly. "Its not pathetic. Its what makes you human." And then he kissed her.
With this, I have no idea what to do. That is just a random excerpt of my imagination. Useless.
And yes, that is exactly describing the way I feel. It is a little like an eating disorder, I suppose. I can contol self harming, and for those few moments I actually feel happy, like I am for once in control. And then that high ends, and I need to do it again. And I have just realised, thinking that over, how drug-induced and weird that sounds. Huh.
Ah, headphones. My best friend.
You May also like a book called 'Deadly Little Secret' by Laurie Stolarz
I will totally check it out! Infact a trip to the library is much needed at the moment.. its always so peaceful in there ... i could sit and browse shelves upon shelves of books for hours, I love reading
It takes me a while to write a story... and they're never very good when they are finished :') i much prefer to write poetry
That story is AWESOME. I cant think of any other way to describe it! You have a gift, it's not useless
And , wow.. you're right ... it sounds exactly like that
I got a new pair of headphones two weeks ago and they are already breaking ... I am a regular coustomer to HMV =]
Huh. As idiotic as it may sound, it never occured to me that the libary would be the perfect place to go for some peace and quiet. Especially suprising since, like you, I adore books. I frequent the libary section of Waterstone's, but I often go with a friend, and said friend is anything but quiet. It is a wonder we have not yet been banned.
(Note to self: Go to libary. Without friend.)
Poetry is a fantastic interest to have. I believe poetry ranks second to music when it comes to expressing thought in a way words cannot. It is an excellent way to vent. Do you have any you don't mind showing people? I am really intriuged.
My mother says I have a talent for literacy. I can definetely agree that my talent for literacy has improved since I have begun reading more, but not hugely. I prefer to keep writing as an interest. One that comes in bouts of inspiration.
You see. I am so glad someone else understands that. If I had said that to a friend, I would have woken up on a psychiatric ward.
Headphones. They break so easily. I bought Jack from The Nightmare Before Christmas headphones and they broke. :no:
Unfortunately, I too am a regular customer at HMV.
But alot of things happen in 'Deadly Little Secret' ... click the link << it can explain it alot better than i ever could :')
Hehe!
umm... i guess i wouldnt mind sharing a few poems, but some of them a little too personal to be posting on here
My literacy skills have also improved sine i began reading novels
Me too! I tried telling my best friend about how i was feeling and she just wouldnt listen ... so i decided to keep things to myself from now on... but at times like this, i need people to talk to .. things just seem to bottle up inside
but yeah.. poems, here are a few of the less depressing ones
I wear a mask that tells you lies
It hides the truth within my eyes
I stand at the edge, tempted to fall
An infinite struggle behind this wall
Everything’s vanished into thin air
I’m clinging to something that’s not even there
I’ve fooled you all into thinking I’m free
How can I fly if I can not be me?
Infact I don’t even know who I am
The life I live is just a sham
I’ve lost myself in this endless fight
In all the hurt, through all the strife
Three simple words
Said too many times
Said rarely in truth
And too much as lies
I watch myself fall
And watch my heart break
Which way should I turn?
Which road should I take?
Love is not kind
It cuts and it tears
Makes me feel all alone
Like there’s no-one out there
Make it go away
This feeling inside
The emptiness echoes
It’s flooding my mind
Where is the light
There’s black all around
It’s closing me in
This terrible sound
My heart rate quickens
My palms sweat too
All because,
He starts to say
I
Love
You.
Emptiness cuts deeper than any blade
Infects my blood, my soul
A disease that makes me suffer
The noise builds to an unbearable crescendo
Echoes of my thoughts twist inside me
I stare at my arm, the scars criss-crossed
They are the angels who broke their wings
They’ll stay here forever, one for each memory
Patterns drawn on my skin for safekeeping
A slight smile across my face
When I see the red line appear
All thoughts drain from my mind
A pinprick of light in a black oblivion
Now happiness cuts deeper than any blade
I enjoy writing poems even though some of them dont turn out right.. i mean i have about a million lines of poetry that just wont fit into any poem at all... it gets frustrating at times :P
No need to explain. I despise when my interent refuses to co-operate with me. I often think the small sanity that remains depends upon internet access. I should write to Virgin Media.
"Dear Sir or Madam,
You must ensure that my internet connection never fails to work.
Trust me. My sanity depends upon it.
Best wishes,
The Most Sanest Person You Will Ever Meet."
No. Most of my friends prefer to watch the television than read books. It bemuses me how they can find so much to watch on the TV that it absorbs so much of their time and means they are able to spend hours talking about it. Apart from Friends re-runs and Chuck I tend to find myself not very interested in television programs.
Well. Let us dub her as Friend#1, this said friend who accompanies me to Waterstone's. Friend#1 accompanies me so she can inspect the blurbs of different books, laughing when any sexual innuendo's cross her mind. It can be quite annoying. But, I suppouse, that is the sacrifice you make with friendship. Friend#1 may drive me up the wall, but she is a good friend. Most of the time, anyway.
I am ever so sorry. Did I just here correctly? There is no Waterstone's near you? How do you live? I adore Waterstone's. I am not sure that I could stand to live without it. We have one in our town centre, which for me, is roughly about an hour away. But it is much closer to my school, so it is very easy to access after school.
Exactly. Before reading, I was probably aiming toward a D in English. That is just how bad I was. Now I am aiming towards an A. It is truly amazing.
There was, once, a time my friends knew. Well, about five of them, anyway. Friend#1 was trying to get me to do something, and because I refused, said, "Come with me or I will tell them what you did to your arms." She knew because she had seen them when she had stayed at mine once. Three of them had freaked out. One of their mother's being a counseller, it was not a fantastic situation.
Although, one of them had been in that situation before. Still was, on occasion. But besides that, I promised them I had stopped. Because that was what verified it for me. I couldn't tell them because they wouldn't understand. Oh, and I also learned never to let Friend#1 learn anything ever again. Certian secrets are meant to be kept.
Oh my goodness. These poems are... amazing. Have you ever considered persuing a career as a poet?
Oh, and tell me about it. My mother does not seem to understand the importance of music.
"Mum, my headphones are broke. I cannot survive without music."
"Stop being so melodramatic." Coming from the Manic Depressive, of course.
And that is what frustrates me about writing stories. I have so many ideas that I cannot fit into one story.
wow! i love friends
i also love to watch things like 90210 and The Vampire diaries... i read the books to the vamp diaries and i must say that the T.V series is much better than the books by far! usually it is the other way around :')
yeah... friends are special
WELL DONE!
ahhh, that is not good! i have no clue what i'd do if i were ever put in that posistion.. my life would more than likely go into complete and utter turmoil
ummm... a poet? it has crossed my mind every so often but i wouldnt know where to start .. i mean apparently it's really hard to get published and stuff.. i also thought about becoming a lyricist, a photographer even a lawyer... my mind is still uncertain about what career i want to pursue
what about you... what do you want to be?
After each episode I will always swear that I will not watch the next. Yet, the next week I find myself watching it again. It is definetely addictive. And I do not know how I will survive this week. How can they give the television series a week break?
Oh, 90210. :d If it were for nothing else, I would watch it for Matt Lanter. He has an appearance that makes him appear vunerable and cute, but tough and hot. Did you watch the finale on Tuesday? Does this mean the end now? Because they have finished school, or will other characters come into it and take over from the old ones?
I also love Cougar Town, Bones and Waterloo Road. Soaps are not something that interests me. Actually, looking now, I do watch quite a bit of television. Huh.
Exams. Geesh. I shudder at the word. Either that or laugh when a teacher says it, since they always seem to pull the word out slowly and it ends up sounding more like eggsams than ever before. I still cannot help hating them, though. I get really nervous when entering the exam hall and freeze up. Its extremely frightening.
Yeah. It was a horrible situation to be put in. Forunately for me, my friends are kind of divided. One half cannot stand the other half. So only half found out, where as the other half just assumed nothing had happened. Everything has a bright side, I suppouse.
Interesting. I never thought about what being a poet would entail. I always assumed they have poems that are published into books. You know, very much like the exam booklets of poems you get to study for your coursework. That is one to think about.
I once considered pursuing a career as a lawyer. Everyone was actually very supportive of this idea because they all agreed that I could win anyone in an argument. I did all my research. You don't have to do Law until A Level, so you don't choose it as an option. But then I realised, when watching a documentary about Law, that I find it extremely boring. I also considered photography, but I don't like camera's full stop. That sort of ended that dream.
Ah. Okay. Promise not to laugh at the irony of this.
I want to be a psychiatrist.
My original reason had been simple. I have seen both of my parents and grandmother battle with a mental illness, and I wanted to help other people battle against their mental illnesses. The decision was almost cemented when my aunt was sectioned. Beforehand she had been lively and bubbly, if a little annoying. But when she came out she was like a shell. Even now, she can do nothing for herself and still hears voices. Its truly painful to watch.
I want to help people like that.
And, as I studied, I found I was actually intriuged by the subject. Mental illnesses and the brain, albiet serious, are a very interesting topic of study.
Plus, my mother says psychiatry is a good field for me to enter. To be a psychiatrist is usually to understand what your patient is going through. Most psychiatrists, you will find, either have a member in their family suffering from a mental illness or suffer from one themselves.
Yeah. Irony.
but when i started thinking 'hey i think i might have a mental illness' that dream seemed to windle off... i started thinking that if i do have a mental illness, which i still am unsure about, that no job options would be open to me at all.. that it would be incredibly hard to find a job because of it..
and yeah ... it sems like the vampire diaries characters are kind off heading in a different direction to what the books entail
ooft... matt lanter,
ooo i dont watch any of them
i tend to watch quite a bit of sport on the TV
i love watch Formula One at weekends ... Lewis Hamilton - NOM!
I also watch quite a bit of tennis, athletics and dance championships- i especially love the latin and ballroom worlds
ummm.. i also have a thing about cylcling and rowing ... i tend to watch the olympics alot too...
sheesh! i watch alot of TV :')
which year are you in at school?
that used to be the case with my friends but recently we seem to have divided into different groups seeing as we are on opposite sides of the year, we dont talk much any more
yeah, i did my research into law and found it extremely boring too.
umm... i also considered being a doctor when i was little ... but i have a phobia of needles and dont laugh at the irony of this either, i'm also kinda squeemish about blood - hehe!
umm, another career i pondered was an MP
seems like i depend on people and they're always letting me down, i guess thats just life. it sucks.