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Please help me!

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hello everyone.

I wouldnt normaly post this type of thing on a forum but i have no one else who i can talk to asm im a little embarrased and to be honest can't decided whether I am being a complete mug or being silly and over reacting on things, ok here goes, long post im afraid!

I split with my wife after 7 years together, it was my decision as i felt unhappy. i had planned to stay singe for a while but met someone soon after who i have fallen in love with, she tells me she loves me but she is making it very hard for me to keep my feelings for her.

We have been together for 4 months, the firts month was amazing, but fo the last three i have been waiting for things to get better! She has conmfidence issues, we have only had sex about 4 times this year.

She was treated badly in her previous relationship which now causes her to pouch people away and prevents her from getting close to anyone. I have been very patient with her and understand her issues and am trying to help her.

The thing that really upsets me is the fact that she brushes me off to spend time with her friends, she never seems to want to put time aside for us to be alone as acouple but insists on spending time with her friend alone (female best mate).

I understand that she needs space and am more than happy to give her space. i am not asking to be in each other pockets, just to set time aside for us as welkl as time aside for her to be with her mates. when we arrange something, she seems more interested in being with her mates than me, which really hurts me. i feel that i do everything for her, school runs with her, help her tidy, run her around, only ot be brushed off later in the evening so she can spend time alone with her friend. I feel like such a mug for allowing this. I have talked to her about this, she doesnt see it a s an issue as we spend time together whilst with her young daughter or parents, but to me that is not couple time, its family time.
I love her and there is a big part of me that wants to be with her long term, but then i think to my self why am i putting up with her making me feel like this so early on, surely its a receipe for disaster?

I cant decide whther i am over reacting or she is selfish and wants her single life and me as someone who she can be with only when it suits her.

I try really hard in everything i do, i always put her first and do everything for her, buy her anything she wants - maybe im too nice and thats my problem? i cant help being the way i am, but i do not want to be someones door mat.

If youve got this fa, thank you for having the patience for reading my long post!:)

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    its difficult when you come out of a long term relationship or marriage. People often seem to stick at the next relationship afterwards much longer than they would normally, even if its going badly.

    It doesnt sound very promising for your new relationship for it to start going downhill so quickly really
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    its difficult when you come out of a long term relationship or marriage. People often seem to stick at the next relationship afterwards much longer than they would normally, even if its going badly.

    It doesnt sound very promising for your new relationship for it to start going downhill so quickly really

    Yes my thoughts exactly, but maybe its because she was treated so bad previously that she is this way?

    I have talked to her, but she is very difficult to talk to and not good at dealing with emotional issues.

    She tells me that she will try harder, but i worry because if things are so good then boith parties shouldnt need to try, it should just happen, right?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    there really shouldnt be very much "trying" at this stage of a relationship.
    Whatever the reasons for it. Its either working or its not.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    there really shouldnt be very much "trying" at this stage of a relationship.
    Whatever the reasons for it. Its either working or its not.

    :yes: It sounds like she's not ready, she may be like this for ages. I can understand the frustration of being with someone who shows little emotion - my ex bf was like this because of people in his past who hurt him, and it was very difficult for me, but still I tried and as SCC says, there shouldn't be a need to try.

    You seem to be in a one sided rship and you will just be miserable soon. She won't change any time soon so IMO, get out, have time alone and if she comes back, yay, if not, there are plenty more birds in the sky :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    :yes: It sounds like she's not ready, she may be like this for ages. I can understand the frustration of being with someone who shows little emotion - my ex bf was like this because of people in his past who hurt him, and it was very difficult for me, but still I tried and as SCC says, there shouldn't be a need to try.

    You seem to be in a one sided rship and you will just be miserable soon. She won't change any time soon so IMO, get out, have time alone and if she comes back, yay, if not, there are plenty more birds in the sky :)
    I agree.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    John_Toms wrote: »
    Hello everyone.

    I wouldnt normaly post this type of thing on a forum but i have no one else who i can talk to asm im a little embarrased and to be honest can't decided whether I am being a complete mug or being silly and over reacting on things, ok here goes, long post im afraid!

    I split with my wife after 7 years together, it was my decision as i felt unhappy. i had planned to stay singe for a while but met someone soon after who i have fallen in love with, she tells me she loves me but she is making it very hard for me to keep my feelings for her.

    We have been together for 4 months, the firts month was amazing, but fo the last three i have been waiting for things to get better! She has conmfidence issues, we have only had sex about 4 times this year.

    She was treated badly in her previous relationship which now causes her to pouch people away and prevents her from getting close to anyone. I have been very patient with her and understand her issues and am trying to help her.

    The thing that really upsets me is the fact that she brushes me off to spend time with her friends, she never seems to want to put time aside for us to be alone as acouple but insists on spending time with her friend alone (female best mate).

    I understand that she needs space and am more than happy to give her space. i am not asking to be in each other pockets, just to set time aside for us as welkl as time aside for her to be with her mates. when we arrange something, she seems more interested in being with her mates than me, which really hurts me. i feel that i do everything for her, school runs with her, help her tidy, run her around, only ot be brushed off later in the evening so she can spend time alone with her friend. I feel like such a mug for allowing this. I have talked to her about this, she doesnt see it a s an issue as we spend time together whilst with her young daughter or parents, but to me that is not couple time, its family time.
    I love her and there is a big part of me that wants to be with her long term, but then i think to my self why am i putting up with her making me feel like this so early on, surely its a receipe for disaster?

    I cant decide whther i am over reacting or she is selfish and wants her single life and me as someone who she can be with only when it suits her.

    I try really hard in everything i do, i always put her first and do everything for her, buy her anything she wants - maybe im too nice and thats my problem? i cant help being the way i am, but i do not want to be someones door mat.

    If youve got this fa, thank you for having the patience for reading my long post!:)

    HIya John,
    your situation sounds quite similar to mine,i had been in a long term relationship,(thirty years)so its been a learning curve for me when i decided to split and move on,met someone on the internet,was with him for seven months,the first few months were quite good and then it went downhill,i can see now where mistakes were made but at the time you dont seem to see it.The last few months we were trying to work things out but in the end he finished with me as my problems were overlapping with his,the problems beign to do with our pasts.
    We have stayed friends but i find that difficult as i loved this person.
    I empathise with you because you love this lady and she does not seem to be on your wavelength,which is how i saw it with my guy,he was not giving me enough attention and like you say we all need space but it has to be a two way affair and not one sided.We cannot expect perfection but i do believe you have to meet people half way,in your case if she wont talk then thats not good,me and my fella did talk so we both split amicably but it hurts like mad,i feel rejected when i put so much into the relationship.All he says to me now is that he wants to be on his own and sort out his problems,he is getting help through the doctor.
    In the meantime i feel a complete fool,I hope you do sort things out with this lady but sometimes its better to break up sooner than later if things are not working how you want them,ask yourself if you are really that happy with the situation,if you are not and she cant meet you half way then i would call it a day even though it hurts to do it.Good luck anyway in your quest for happiness and contentment.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    In my experience if you leave a relationship because you are craving the love and passion that you used to have you will transfer that pressure to the next girl you meet therefore anything less than full passion and adventure is going to seem dull.

    It's rebounding...thats why it happens. It's shit but it's an art. Like clog dancing.

    -D
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thank you everybody for your replies. things are definately better after spending a week away alone together, a couple of awkard bickers but all seems to be good now. I think that i will see how it goes and reasess in a month or so!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Update!

    What a bastard this is turning out to be!

    Am so pissed off with feeling crap.

    I dont mean to sound like a twat, but i love her so much and feel a real bond with her daughter.

    I think I'm not right for her, we spent a couple of hours together this evening, i sat there trying to talk to her and watch tv, she was on bloody computer all the time. If she was really in to me we would be snuggled up on the sofa chatting and watching tv as a couple right??

    I just dont know what to do. My brain is telling me to leave and cut all ties, move on, but my heart wants me to keep trying and waiting for things to hopefuly get better. I dont want anyone else and cant bear to think about not being with her, she is so beautiful and everything i could want in a partner, wife and mother to my future children. This is shite!

    I feel i cant talk to her about issues, she thinks im over reacting and making a big thing of nothing all the time.

    We recently went away on holiday together, which was great, but again i got the feeling that she was bored with just me, she seems only truly happy when she is going out oin girls nights out.,

    She keeps bringing things up like "do you hate me babe?" and "probably going to dump me one day" I said its prob because she subconciously knows deep down that ther way she is with me is not right.

    Im thinking of going in to kill it or cure it mode.

    I think it should either end here or we start over again. But the thing that keeps coming up in my mind is that if these problems are coming up so early on, its gotta be bad news, right?

    :confused: :grump::confused: :grump:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It doesn't look like it's working, and unless you take stps to make it work, it probably isn't going to fix itself.

    Unfortunately, it might not be fixable.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Big Gay wrote: »
    It doesn't look like it's working, and unless you take stps to make it work, it probably isn't going to fix itself.

    Unfortunately, it might not be fixable.

    Thats the problem though, i dont know what i can do to make it work!

    Am at me wits end really!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    John_Toms wrote: »
    She keeps bringing things up like "do you hate me babe?" and "probably going to dump me one day" I said its prob because she subconciously knows deep down that ther way she is with me is not right.

    This should be ringing warning bells. It is a kind of self-fulfilling prophesy. Basically, she knows she is upsetting you to the point that you might leave her, but has no intention of changing. Then one day, when - inevitably - you do dump her, she will justify her behaviour by saying "I told you so". Happens all the time.

    I'm sorry for your situation, but I wouldn't waste too much energy trying to put things right.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ultimately you've only been with her 4 months, and for 3 of those months she's hardly been girlfriend material.

    The fact that she'll barely talk to you is a good sign that you need to get out. Is it really worth the effort? If it was a long term thing then perhaps, but not this.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thanks agian for all the replies.

    OK, im at the point now where carrying on just seems senseless. I love her very much, but things need to change to carry on or it needs to end here.

    i have been writing a pros and cons list (i know!!) on the relationship, it has shocked me that when i have put all my feelings on paper there are about 10 times as many cons to pros!

    Question is what to do and how to go about it.

    I want to be with her, she knows this but i can not be with her as she is. Do you think it is unrealistic for me to think she will change?

    Should i end it full stop all together or spend time apart and let her think on what she wants?

    Im no good at judging things when emotionaly attached, as you can all see lol!

    Thanks

    John
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think you just have to tell it like it is and (probably) draw a line under the whole thing. They say love is blind and, to an extent, it's true. You want to be with her, but you know in your heart of hearts that she is not putting as much into the relationship as you are ... and she never will. She is too cowardly to end the thing herself, so she is making you the scapegoat. Don't fall for it. You have done nothing wrong, but you could do so much better than her.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hello everyone, and thanks for posting so far.

    Ok heres an update on the situation...

    I went to end the relationship about three weeks ago, she talked me in to staying, we spoke about my concerns and all seemd ok. Then one sunday night whilst chatting on msn it all seemed clear that she didnt see any of the issues and thought it was me at fault and refused to beleive anything was wrong, saying that i am simply jelous of her friends and the time she spends with them. i ended it next day. She was in a right state, telling me how much she loves me and so on. She knows she has treated me badly, sometime admits it but then goes back to denying that there are any problems by burying her head in the sand.

    So i left her on the monday and didnt speak, in my mind it was over for good because when i was trying to talk to her on msn about the things i beleived were wrong she was having none of it. i went round to pick my stuff up on the thurs, we got talking and got back together, for the next few days she was amazing, then on tuesday it started to go south again! A big problem i have is that her friend is always making plans with her and excluding me, she has been invited to something over the weekend, which is a mixed event, a nice thing to do with other couples there, she is going, i have said to her i am not happy that her clingy posessive mate has excluded me out of things again, she does not see that its a shite thing to do.

    Here i am again, to be honest i cant be bothered with this hassle, i only went back to her because i thougth she somehow understood where the problems are adnwith her now seeing them, we could sort it out, but here we are again a week later with the same set of problems!

    So i have done the wait and see if things work out bit, 5 months later they havent, i have done the talk to her bit, it hasnt worked, i left her and came back cos i thought she had woken up, guess what? not worked!

    I just do not understand how and why she is l;ike this, i am a great dad to her daughter, i try to be the perfect partner and she still seems to prioritise her mates, a lot of who are not there for her when she really needs them - if they have to put theirselves out thast is.

    Is it because she is only 21 and does not have the life experience to know how to act in these situations?


    is it because she is selfish and wants it all her way?

    Is she chasing the fun party lifestyle she had before having her daughter (who is 2)

    or is it that she just isnt that in to me? she says she is, she finds me attractive, am great dad, good catch etc etc, but if she would rather have fun with her mates, that means the fun aint as good with me? right?

    the strange thing is, when i made my first post at the end of march i was at my wits end, i was all over the place, upset and not in a happy place. i really loved her, i knwo we have only been otgetehr a short period of time, but i fell head over heals, but the way she acts is quickly removing eny feelings i have for her, i just dont hink i can be bothered flogging this dead horse any more!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think you've said it all. She wants to life she had before she got pregnant. Get yourself out of this misery. Pack your stuff before you end it then you won't have to see her again.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Done, she is gone finaly now i can move on and resume something like a normal life. I am furious with my self for allowing this misery to go on for so long. To anyone reading this, if your in a young relationship, the minute you doubt things fix it there and then or end it, simple!

    I will learn from this one, i really will.



    Thanks to everyone for reading my whinging and whining!


    Its now onwards and upwards time to enjoy life again! yay !
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