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Funeral- should I ask?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
in Sex & Relationships
Sorry to the mods, I didn't know where to put this. So please move it to the appropriate section!

Well, my dad has just sent me a text saying my step-mums dad died last night. Now, I wasn't close to him and I don't really get on with my step-mum at all. But I do obviously feel for her, as her dad has just died! It was also my step-grandmas birthday yesterday too, so I guess that makes it a little worse.

Would it be polite for me to ask to go to the funeral? Or should I wait to be ask? I'm not fussed about going, but I don't want to seem rude as I know how hard it is when someone close to you dies.

I don't live with my step-mum by the way, if that makes a difference?

Thanks.
Xx

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    In my opinion: If she is not making the effort to invite you, you should really not make the effort to ask to come. If you happen to invited in a few days or so, I would absolutely go. But funerals are the kind of thing you don't invite yourself to, in my book.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i would quietly ask your dad if they want you there.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Okay thanks :) I'll give it a couple of days, I mean he has only just died so I'm sure they are all upset. My dad and his wife are going to stay with her mum for a few days. Chances are, my dad will let me know what's happening.
    But if he doesn't say anything in a couple of days, then I'll ask him if they want me there.
    Xx
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yes, I couldn't ask the step-mum directly. As Suzy has said, the next nearest will be your real dad. Then if you dad says 'no', then at least you didn't have to confront the step-mother.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well, for me, funerals are all about family. Your dad may assume that you wouldn't be interested in going, so is unlikely to invite you ... but that doesn't mean he (and your step-mum) wouldn't be pleased if you went.

    If you would like to build bridges with your step-mum, I should quietly ask your dad if HE would like you to go.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My dad has told me to write a letter to my step-gradma... what should I say in it?
    Xx
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Broken-Angel wrote: »
    My dad has told me to write a letter to my step-gradma... what should I say in it?
    Xx

    condolences. But don't try to be TOO "OMG I MISS HER SO MUCH, I'M SO SAD :crying: " because that might come over as conceited as you didn't know her that well/weren't really close to her.

    Tell her, they have your solicitousness and sincere condolences etc, but don't overdo it.

    That's what I'd do.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'd go for a card rather than a letter. Shows the thought and that you care and saves you having to think of a letters worth of stuff to write.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    StrubbleS wrote: »
    Tell her, they have your solicitousness and sincere condolences etc, but don't overdo it.

    "solicitousness"??? I am ashamed to say I actually had to look that up in the dictionary!

    BA - go with a card, rather than a letter and keep the message simple.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    overthehill wrote: »
    "solicitousness"??? I am ashamed to say I actually had to look that up in the dictionary!

    BA - go with a card, rather than a letter and keep the message simple.

    I looked it up in the dictionary too. :razz: A common word in German is "Anteilnahme" meaning that you feel their grief too. Teil = part, so you are partaking in the griefing. Sounds weird, but I translated it and I hope it's not toooo alien in the English language :p I think it's pretty synonymous for condolences.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    StrubbleS wrote: »
    I looked it up in the dictionary too. :razz: A common word in German is "Anteilnahme" meaning that you feel their grief too. Teil = part, so you are partaking in the griefing. Sounds weird, but I translated it and I hope it's not toooo alien in the English language :p I think it's pretty synonymous for condolences.

    LOL I never realised that English wasn't your first language. Well, "solicitousness" does translate exactly as you say. However, it is not in common usage, and I have never heard it used in the context of condolences - or at all for that matter.

    It would be more usual to say, "please accept my deepest sympathy" or, as you suggest, "sincere condolences". But both these are quite formal and BA could get away with something simpler like "I was so sorry to hear of your loss" or may be "my thoughts are with you at this sad time".
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    haha, if I didn't know better I might believe it'S a subtly dig at BA intelligence.

    "BA would be better off to write something simpler like, 'Omg lyk Im so sad :( plz share ur hurt wiff me! xoxo' "

    but yea, you are right. I did not mean to tell her what to write literally, just to get a jist of what should go into the letter.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    StrubbleS wrote: »
    "BA would be better off to write something simpler like, 'Omg lyk Im so sad :( plz share ur hurt wiff me! xoxo' "

    Ye omg ti well bich innit? a mean lyk a deff nd dat. :yeees:

    No, Mr. SturbbleS, I shall not be writing such childish things in my letter addressing a lady's loss of her husband. *hops on horse to play Polo* Tally ho


    Xx
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    overthehill wrote: »
    Both these are quite formal and BA could get away with something simpler like "I was so sorry to hear of your loss" or may be "my thoughts are with you at this sad time".

    :yes:

    Sometimes if you are too formal it can come across as a bit insincere.

    Deffo agree with the card idea, too. In my experience, if you're grieving, it's nice to know that people are thinking about you, so sending cards is nice, but endless gushy letters from people are just hard work. A nice image and a simple, carefully thought out sentiment is just the ticket :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Okay thanks :) I'll find a card tomorrow, they do special cards don't they? As in, ones for grieving.
    Xx
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yep, there's usually a whole array of 'In Sympathy' or 'Thinking of You's :)

    If you attend certain retailers you may even get one written by moi...
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