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Lost, confused, scared - what do i do?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I have been going out with my boyfriend for 3 - 4 years (depends if you include the 6 month break when i moved to uni)
I love him more than anything in the whole wide world, but i have a problem, because most of my friends are male and i often get too close to them, and recently (although not for the first time), they have told me they fancy me :crazyeyes .
I have Not cheated on my boyfriend but it wouldnt be the first time I have ended up having feelings for one of my friends while i was with him
. I try so hard to ignore it, but I always feel terribly guilty because I love my boyfriend and I dont know why I am having feelings for someone else, the fact that I could even let the idea into my head about sleeping with someone else scares me shitless - its stopping me enjoying myself and making me depressed. I'm not a cheat or a liar - infact I told my boyfriend because I dont want to feel like im hiding anything, but I dont know what to do, because its messing me up.
Alot of people would say avoid a guy who might jeopardise your relationship at all costs, but the problem is they are my friends. I cant just cut them out of my life or eventually ill end up with no friends (90% of my friends are male).
The problem is that although i share everything with my boyfriend, sometimes telling all your problems to one person can put immense pressure on them and if other people notice you are having difficulties, sometimes its better to telll them, after all thats what friends are for right?
However, a sympathatic hug sometimes isnt always as simple as it may sound when its a guy n a girl, especially if you both had abit to drink, and although if a guy attempts to make a pass, i put him in his place, my female friends think im too open to these situations because im too nice - like, well u dont have to sleep on the floor cos its uncomfy, just stay on top of the duvet; or .
Im not trying to invite trouble, I just get too close to people - probably because i dont take a long time to be comfortable with new friends & because if my friends were girls it wuldnt be an issue having a cry on their shoulder.
I know I am letting my feelings and thoughts run away with me, but thats who I am. I have tried ever so hard to be logical & methodical, but I run on my emotions (or more like - they run circles around me).
Right now i have:
Confusion - y do i let people get so close - is it a bad thing to need to feel wanted by your friends aswell as your boyfriend?
(because i have this issue with all friends including female - but the reason i have more guy friends is because guys are straight forward, theres no pretending to like you or anything).
im scared - do i fancy this other guy because my own relationship has problems? (i fear it may be as the sex hasnt been great recently - well it has for him - but again is this a problem with us or with me)?
How can i stop these feelings? because i dont want to loose my bf.
guilty - i am causing problems for my boyfriend because a) i have a need to be liked by everyone & get upset when i dont get on with sum1 b) when i do get on with sum1 i end up getting on with them too well. :banghead:
It feels like everything is falling apart around me - i would complete fall to pieces if me n my boyfriend broke up & undoubtedly id have friends offering to pick up the pieces which wuld make it even worse :no:
Ive been down recently anyway, n i fear this is going to tip me over the edge make me ill like i was a couple of years ago. I havent been able to eat much since the other day when it became obvious it was a problem. I just about to finish uni & move in with my boyfriend - find a new job etc, so it culdnt possibly have cum at a worse time. When I not worrying about it im crying. I feel lost and cant see what i can do :crying:
I cant talk to my friends about it, cos thats half the problem in the first place :banghead:
I love him more than anything in the whole wide world, but i have a problem, because most of my friends are male and i often get too close to them, and recently (although not for the first time), they have told me they fancy me :crazyeyes .
I have Not cheated on my boyfriend but it wouldnt be the first time I have ended up having feelings for one of my friends while i was with him
. I try so hard to ignore it, but I always feel terribly guilty because I love my boyfriend and I dont know why I am having feelings for someone else, the fact that I could even let the idea into my head about sleeping with someone else scares me shitless - its stopping me enjoying myself and making me depressed. I'm not a cheat or a liar - infact I told my boyfriend because I dont want to feel like im hiding anything, but I dont know what to do, because its messing me up.Alot of people would say avoid a guy who might jeopardise your relationship at all costs, but the problem is they are my friends. I cant just cut them out of my life or eventually ill end up with no friends (90% of my friends are male).
The problem is that although i share everything with my boyfriend, sometimes telling all your problems to one person can put immense pressure on them and if other people notice you are having difficulties, sometimes its better to telll them, after all thats what friends are for right?
However, a sympathatic hug sometimes isnt always as simple as it may sound when its a guy n a girl, especially if you both had abit to drink, and although if a guy attempts to make a pass, i put him in his place, my female friends think im too open to these situations because im too nice - like, well u dont have to sleep on the floor cos its uncomfy, just stay on top of the duvet; or .
Im not trying to invite trouble, I just get too close to people - probably because i dont take a long time to be comfortable with new friends & because if my friends were girls it wuldnt be an issue having a cry on their shoulder.
I know I am letting my feelings and thoughts run away with me, but thats who I am. I have tried ever so hard to be logical & methodical, but I run on my emotions (or more like - they run circles around me).
Right now i have:
Confusion - y do i let people get so close - is it a bad thing to need to feel wanted by your friends aswell as your boyfriend?
(because i have this issue with all friends including female - but the reason i have more guy friends is because guys are straight forward, theres no pretending to like you or anything).im scared - do i fancy this other guy because my own relationship has problems? (i fear it may be as the sex hasnt been great recently - well it has for him - but again is this a problem with us or with me)?
How can i stop these feelings? because i dont want to loose my bf.
guilty - i am causing problems for my boyfriend because a) i have a need to be liked by everyone & get upset when i dont get on with sum1 b) when i do get on with sum1 i end up getting on with them too well. :banghead:
It feels like everything is falling apart around me - i would complete fall to pieces if me n my boyfriend broke up & undoubtedly id have friends offering to pick up the pieces which wuld make it even worse :no:
Ive been down recently anyway, n i fear this is going to tip me over the edge make me ill like i was a couple of years ago. I havent been able to eat much since the other day when it became obvious it was a problem. I just about to finish uni & move in with my boyfriend - find a new job etc, so it culdnt possibly have cum at a worse time. When I not worrying about it im crying. I feel lost and cant see what i can do :crying:
I cant talk to my friends about it, cos thats half the problem in the first place :banghead:
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Comments
I think you really need to ask yourself some deep questions about your relationship with your bf. Do you really love him more than anything else in the whole world, or did the relationship go a bit stale somewhere along the line and you are now just afraid to let go. If you are sure that your bf is the man for you, then there is nothing wrong with having close friends of the opposite sex. However, even though you say that the very idea of sleeping with someone else is scaring you, you are sending very mixed signals to these friends if you are allowing them in your bedroom, let alone sharing a bed (albeit on the wrong side of the duvet).
Our hormones speak their own language and, if you are letting male friends get that close, yours are going to be screaming "SEX"!!!! It goes without saying that these guys' hormones are probably also going into meltdown. If you really want these feelings for other men to stop (which I doubt somehow), you need to take a reality check and stop fuelling the fire.
Thank you. Its good to know that im not the only one who has had this problem. I know you are right, I even feel sorry for some of the friends I have, I must be ridiculously confusing to them.
with regards to the whole not forcing them onto the floor or the sofa, i always just saw my friends as female best friends who were male if that makes sense - so just applied the same principles, but the more i think about it, the more i realise i cant keep doing that. although i dont understand why inviting them to my bedroom is an issue because i share a flat, so i dont have a living room, only a communal kitchen.
i also heard that if you maintain eye contact with a guy too long they might get the idea that you fancy them? i dont know where that comes from because i always thought it just meant you trust them, id avoid their direct eye contact if i fancied them. one thing i dont know how i will be able to change though is what to do if i need a good old fashioned hug. surely you cant say that this too gives wrong signals. its not like i pinch their bum!
the bed thing and the hug thing wont b an issue when me n my bf move in together though because we are buying a large sofa bed and my boyfriend will be right there when i need him. afew people have asked me whether our relationship might b 'stale' (as you put it), but it isnt stale, I just find it hard to cope with the distance, and i think the sex issues are more a problem with me (because of stress of moving and work and uni - dissertation etc etc) as it was fine a month or so ago. Its just unfortunate I had to keep guessing what was going on because my doctor is a complete idiot and always tries to fob me off with, well im not sure what the problem is, but i have a queue so want do u want meds or not. What sort of advice is that! I do believe as one of the mods on another discussion said, docs are ther to tell u everything is ok and not to worry just as much, if not more than to just shove meds in your face.
I am definately still moving in with him, and i really DO love him. its not denial or im not scared to move on if i have to, because i know we would stay friends and my friends and family (while disapppointed) would prefer me to be happy; but i dont WANT to move on. i know what i want in a guy and my bf matches up with up, that hasnt changed. If everything is still as good with him in afew years as it has been, then I will consider marrying him. I know I love him because I am not actually scared of being single, infact i remember quite enjoying it, so if i had any doubts, i wouldnt be with him. The relationship is a strong one, but every good relationship has downs as well as ups. you say i probably want these feelings for other men, well i dont, i just wish i didnt get as confused when a guy was really nice to me - i think that comes from not being used to alot of compliments. Im definately flattered too easily.
i think all things said, if i start inviting more than 1 friend round at a time i wont have a problem and if going out, arrange before hand what the sleeping arrangements are and dont let the influence of alcohol let me be perseuded otherwise, then the issue should resolve itself. I just hope im right. i guess also, if i stop over thinking things? its really not an issue unless i make it one right?
at least one good thing comes out of it.. my bf thinks my fan girl crush on david tennant and jensen ackles is not really that annoying when he knows what the alternative could be :P
p.s- appologies for the long reply - i tend to waffle.