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Depression, CBT and friendships
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hey, newbie here and really hoping for some insight on this. Have been suffering from depression for the best part of a year and have been on pills for that length of time. My doctor wants me to have a course of cognative behavioural therapy (which I am more than happy to do) and so I have, in preparation, been reading a book on it.
One of the aspects appears to me to be 'confronting' people - in a pleasant way - rather than letting things slide or build up - to resolve issues. Effective communication stopping things becoming a big scary mountain to climb I guess. However, I can see areas which could result in losing close friendships which could cause upset - both to them and to me - and I'm not sure how that's actually going to help.
Best example. I have a female best friend. I have always had close female friends. But I have fallen for this one. We spend a lot of time together, are ridiculously close and everyone says we are perfect for each other. Part of my depression is undoubtedly caused by this. I have never said anything because I know she doesn't feel that way for me (she has said so to a mutual friend) but it's becoming harder for me to deal with. Of course, CBT would say I should talk to her about it, but if I do that I will lose the best friend I have had and who has been hugely supportive through all this. It will make things awkward and because we are members of the same organisations, not seeing each other will be impossible without me cutting out everything that keeps me well!
People say "well, if she can't handle it then she wasn't much of a friend and you need to say something so you can move on" but that's all well and good when you feel like crap. And she IS a great friend, she is always telling me she loves me and that I am the best friend she has ever had (we are early 30s and known each other 4 years but it is like we have known each other forever). A former friend, not as close as we are, once asked her out romantically and she freaked, so I know saying anything will destroy our friendship permanently.
This will devastate me, but is it a case of having to go through that short-term pain in an effort to help long-term???
One of the aspects appears to me to be 'confronting' people - in a pleasant way - rather than letting things slide or build up - to resolve issues. Effective communication stopping things becoming a big scary mountain to climb I guess. However, I can see areas which could result in losing close friendships which could cause upset - both to them and to me - and I'm not sure how that's actually going to help.
Best example. I have a female best friend. I have always had close female friends. But I have fallen for this one. We spend a lot of time together, are ridiculously close and everyone says we are perfect for each other. Part of my depression is undoubtedly caused by this. I have never said anything because I know she doesn't feel that way for me (she has said so to a mutual friend) but it's becoming harder for me to deal with. Of course, CBT would say I should talk to her about it, but if I do that I will lose the best friend I have had and who has been hugely supportive through all this. It will make things awkward and because we are members of the same organisations, not seeing each other will be impossible without me cutting out everything that keeps me well!
People say "well, if she can't handle it then she wasn't much of a friend and you need to say something so you can move on" but that's all well and good when you feel like crap. And she IS a great friend, she is always telling me she loves me and that I am the best friend she has ever had (we are early 30s and known each other 4 years but it is like we have known each other forever). A former friend, not as close as we are, once asked her out romantically and she freaked, so I know saying anything will destroy our friendship permanently.
This will devastate me, but is it a case of having to go through that short-term pain in an effort to help long-term???
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Comments
i don't think any CBT therapist would advise you to do something like that. it's true that some parts of CBT are about confronting things that bother you but it doesn't necessarily mean taking such dramatic action, it's more likely to be challenging your feelings and beliefs. if you value the friendship of this person then i really don't think you would be advised to do anything you don't want to, some parts of it might be uncomfortable or challenging but not damaging to you. if the friendship is holding back your recovery then you might be advised to approach it differently or talk to your friend.
the best advice i can give is to wait and see, and talk it over with your therapist. CBT is about working out what you need and the therapist will help you think about what that is. it's also worth noting that therapy is a two-way street, you can say to the therapist that you don't think what they want you to do will help you.
good luck
Personally, if it comes down to the wire and you have to make this choice, I think that you should probably confront her. You've said that the situation with her is part of your depression, but it probably isn't the root cause of it. Which means to me that you'd still be depressed after, but probably less... after some time anyway. This is just me though. But do talk to your doctor first before doing something that you just read off of a book. What's in books aren't always definitive and complete; there may be some things about CBT that aren't in the book that can change your perspective on certain techniques.