Home Sex & Relationships
If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.

What to do when you know something is doomed from the start

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Alright thesiters..its been a while, hope you're all well :)

Anyhoo, could do with a bit of advice..

Theres this girl (as always) we met around the start of this uni year, shes a fresher and im a final year student and we both joined the same society.
Anyway to start with we didnt really talk much, just because we didnt really know each other i guess, then around november we started to become friendly, then by the end of december it seemed that everytime we were on a night out we'd end up spending most of the night dancing with each other (but thats all) and whenever we'd talk/text/fbchat it was always pretty flirty.

Anyways, cut to about mid january, we were both on a social night out..both pretty hammered and ended up making out pretty much the whole night. She was a little awkward with me after but after a couple of days everything was back to normal.

Now's where it goes beyond the easily interpretable..

Basically when we're alone together we're sometimes pretty coupley, like a few times we've been out walking round shops and we'll kind of playfight a little bit and end up with our arms round each other or she'll just cuddle into me randomly, and there've been a few occasions of us watching films round hers and we'll just be cuddled up all night and holding hands.
When things are like this however we dont kiss or anything, its just like we're really close.

So all good it would sound, only we've kind of agreed that we're friends and anything more could mess things up.

Shes no longer flirty with me anymore which i kinda miss, but we've spent quite a few nights out eating eating others faces or at least kissing at some point and one night we ended up back at mine where it went a bit further (fingered and gave her oral), then just back to standard kissing on subsequent nights out.

I'd love to be in a proper relationship with her but at the same time i know its not a good idea, me finishing uni this year and her having another 2/3 years would just not work and i wouldnt want her to be tied down through uni anyway. I also know a relationship between us wouldnt work as im a live in each others pockets type of guy until it actually happens then i lose interest, and she is the complete opposite where she likes space so i'd just be forever chasing which she'd hate and if she gave in and spent loads of time with me i'd most likely lose interest.

So what to do??

I do really like her and i'd be gutted if she started got with someone else, i know the response from you guys is likely to be 'talk to her' but we have spoke, and we're 'just friends' so no idea where to go (btw she's definately not a friends with benefits type of girl even though thats how it seems at the moment)

There is a guy she was seeing before Christmas for a while who pretty much took things a lot less seriously than she did and she got pretty heartbroken over it and i know she still has him in the back of her mind sometimes so maybe that is holding her back, i dont know.

I'll be honest, i dont think theres a lot anyone can say because i already know getting together is not a good idea, and its probably not helping pulling her on nights out and spending other nights cuddled up on her bed but we just get on so well and i love being around her...ack. annoying!

Anyways, advice appriciated..and cheers for reading the essay if you got this far :)

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Tricky one dude. I'm kinda in a similar situation - seeing a girl that I can't see it going anywhere with, even though I'd love it to. But then I've said that before.
    You said already that you've spoken about it. Have you really? Have you told her everything you've told us? Try it, open up and be like 'Look, here's the story - what's going down?' Get me?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    geneve wrote: »
    Perhaps if you take things slowly, but more officially, you can just be mindful that it could be diffcult and not get too loved up too quickly, but still go for it.

    Yeah I think that's the key innit. Easier said than done though.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    icey wrote: »
    I'd love to be in a proper relationship with her but at the same time i know its not a good idea, me finishing uni this year and her having another 2/3 years would just not work and i wouldnt want her to be tied down through uni anyway.

    It can work - that was exactly the situation I had when I met my boyfriend a couple of weeks before the Easter holidays of his final year - we were long distance for our first 3 years and yet here we are nine years later!

    We saw each other between every 3 weeks or so over this time - less when I was on my year abroad or during exams, but it was all fine. I never felt 'tied down' through university - I still had my social life in Bristol; he had his in London, and I never looked twice at any other guy - why would I when I'd be seeing my boyfriend in a few weeks time?
    icey wrote: »
    I also know a relationship between us wouldnt work as im a live in each others pockets type of guy until it actually happens then i lose interest, and she is the complete opposite where she likes space so i'd just be forever chasing which she'd hate and if she gave in and spent loads of time with me i'd most likely lose interest.

    Why do you have to be in each others pockets? We certainly weren't (until I moved in with him) - quite often we'd probably only speak once or twice a week on the phone, text a few times a week maybe if we were feeling sentimental - but it worked. We could have wonderful weekends together, but then have our own space when we were apart. It sounds actually as if a long distance relationship might actually suit you both quite well.

    Give it a go - what have you got to lose? You obviously care about her.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    geneve wrote: »
    It's worth discussing, and actually discussing these feelings too, not just agreeing to what she thinks.

    Oh definitely. I remember the last time I saw my boyfriend before he left Bristol there was this horrible undercurrent of 'oh shit - what happens now?' I didn't know at all where I stood. I asked him what would happen to 'us' when he moved to London and he just murmured that it would be very difficult and so I changed the subject. When I got home I wrote him a letter - asking what he wanted to happen and that I just wanted to know where I stood and for him to be honest, but that I thought we should give the LDR a shot. That letter is probably a huge part of the reason we're here now. I don't think he'd have chased if I hadn't.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    geneve wrote: »
    Perhaps if you take things slowly...

    Depends what you mean by slowly.

    Just wanted to add: Long Distance Relationships automatically crank things up a notch or two in one sense simply because you're going from a situation where, for example, you don't really know what you're doing from one week to the next, and can just call each other up randomly to ask if you fancy going out to cinema/pub/restaurant/whatever, to having to plan visits and spending whole weekends together etc.

    However, even saying that...I think it still took us about 7 months to say the 'L' word, so I suppose we didn't really take things too fast :p
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It sounds to me like you have something special there. She might be interested in dating you but unsure about how you feel and scared about ruining your friendship.

    I think life's too short, you should throw caution to the wind and tell her how you feel. As you say, you're finishing Uni soon so it's not like you'll have to see her much longer if things go tits up. But, if things go well, as Meryn says, you'll work something out.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i think all those excuses ur using, are just that-excuses, the only problem you really see is losing her as a friend, you want your relationship with her to grow but afraid that if you try, you might end up losing her alltogether. in my opinion, life is about taking chances, take this chance.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Probably should update this a bit now..

    So, she continued being generally a bit awkward/strange with me so i called her on it, she fobbed me off with excuses a couple of times but then i basically just told her that i do like her. We have a lot of mutual friends and apparently pretty much all of them thought that she had feelings for me what with the way she acted and the things she'd said. But as it turns out she's still pretty much in love with the guy that she was chasing before she started getting with me. She said that she'd gone over and over in her mind whether we should be more than friends but with the way she feels about this other guy we just can't.
    Sucks pretty much, and sadly the friendship is still not back to normal, shes still awkward/strange with me and we barely even speak anymore.
    If we text she's nearly back to normal with texts (ie really friendly, quite close etc) but still not quite all the way there as the old nicknames seem to have gone and all the flirting has gone.
    Figured i should give her a bit of space (and seeing as its Easter break the timing is pretty good) and see if things can get back to normal when we've had a bit of time apart.
    To be honest having her be a bit funny with me and not being as close as we were has kind of made me realise that although i think shes a fantastic person and we get on really well, and considering how much i really want to sleep with her, that shes not actually the right girl for me to be in a relationship with and that it was mostly lust. Just hoping that we can get back to having the fun close friendship we seem to have lost. win some lose some eh.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i really hope you can have that old friendship, i still have hope for you guys in the future though
Sign In or Register to comment.