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a self pity thread

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
i needed to vent this somewhere, im sorry if i look really self obsessed.

i just dont understand why things never work out for me. everyone around me seems to get their happy ending (even my stupid ex boyfriend who thoroughly didnt deserve it) while i have to strive really hard to find a purpose to get up in the morning. evaveerywhere i look people are doing better than me whether it's in uni, relationship wise, social wise. i have zilcho.

i've never had a 'proper' job because no one will want to employ me. it's safer to stick to voluntary work but this brings in no cash.

my bf is still quite possibly an undiagnosed schizphrenic (thanks nhs) and after feeling on top of the world 2 days ago at the prospect of moving to derry and starting afresh, because of his unpredictably keeps informing me that he still has to fight this perceived battle with the university (he was suspended). he keeps telling me he loves me and does romantic gestures but when we speak on the phone i can tell that he isnt really taking on board everything i say. (this could be because he is mildly autistic which he was diagnosed with (asd) but it seemed to be a misdiagnosis,) i get the nagging feeling that when he is eventually diagnosed with schizophrenia he'll take off his 'beer goggles' and wonder why the hell he is with me.

the gashes on my arm are still there after a month and still red. long sleeved tops for the forseeable future. im waiting for it to scar (which im not arsed about) as long as it turns white rather than lookatme red.

i realise this must look like the wild wailings of 13 year old banshee but i am having a moment. im not at harm to myself. just feeling very sad tonight.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    *big hugs*

    Things will get better for you, they really will.

    And voluntary work is great experience, both for your workplace confidence and your employability. If you can go and do something for free, you will be able to do it for money. The job I might be going in to is on the back of some volunteering -it really can open doors so you're doing the right thing there.

    And remember, even if everyone around you looks like they are doing better than you, you can bet your bottom dollar that not everyone is, and even those that are have things that they want to improve in their lives.

    *more hugs*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Not to belittle your pain, but I think there is little problem with your social life. I thought you were doing ok at uni and you have a boyfriend which you were and still are head over heels. Why do you think everyone else has it better? I know I don't, but I don't feel sad or disappointed by that. And others might have it better but are still unhappy overall because of little tidbits. Relationships have their up and downsides and you are having them (relationships) quite frequently actually and I remember talking to you about all the good stuff. So don't let the bad stuff overshadow all of them.

    And not to be patronising, but I am sure if you'd want a job you can pretty easily have one. It might be shitty, ok, but it brings cash. Talk to friends and relatives and ask if they know something/someone. It's not like you are inapt or have a criminal record.

    Even if he is still undiagnosed, if he has it he has it, irrespective of the diagnosis. So don't think he will be a complete different person if he gets the official diagnosis.

    Step back and realize you are going through the mundane ups and downs of life and probably nobody in your vicinity has it particularly better or worse than you.

    Oh and about self-harming. I'm probably not the best to comment on that, because I don't even understand the idea behind it, but: stop it. It's stupid and there are hundred better ways of coping that are actually productive instead harmful.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i know that about self harm but at the time it helped. i was just moaning because im waiting for it to scar over instead of being red gashes. it's been over a month now. im not planning on doing it again. it upset enough people.

    i wouldnt get a job right now especially while im in third year. i can barely manage uni let alone the commitment of a job right now. i was thinking more in terms of when i graduate. it's highly doubtful that im going to jump into a job when im painfully shy to the point of being pitied by interviewers during job interviews.

    i know that others have it rough but at the moment im finding it really frustrating to be happy for people who have had straightforward lives from a -> b. people keep telling me that im doing well for me considering i was in a psychiatric hospital the summer before starting university. but i dont want to do 'well for me..despite such and such'. i want to do well in the normal sense that makes others get so commended and people to say congratulations. rather than having to hi-five myself mentally for learning when to use a semi colon appropriately. seriously.

    and i wouldnt have been in as many relationships if they hadnt all turned out to be morons. that's how i look at it. i appreciate both your repleis and probably just need to take my head out of my bum.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Let it out, it's what we're here for.

    I've still not got the knack of semicolons, so you're doing better than I am...

    take care, you're one of the gooduns
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