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Poem. In Need Of Some Advice
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I wrote this ages ago when a very close friend of mine, and myself, was having a bit of life trouble.. Constructive criticism would be very helpful as I am looking to use this poem to allow my parents to understand me better.
And it gets harder and harder to take
You fall deeper into despair,
Into a world, locked by a door
Where I hold no key.
“Stay strong” I say,
Whether it’s to you or me
It makes no difference
We must soldier on
Together we can make the journey
To the end of this hurtful time
Where you see no end
Where I fear the loss of my heart
You are my heart, my beating heart
That beats only for you, and your survival
Meaning the entire world to me
You are not alone, don't be afraid
The tears fall like drops of rain down my cheek
The quiet sobs break the silence of my hurting
How can I stay strong when the only one I care for,
Is crumbling in front of me?
Better?
And it gets harder and harder to take
You fall deeper into despair,
Into a world, locked by a door
Where I hold no key.
“Stay strong” I say,
Whether it’s to you or me
It makes no difference
We must soldier on
Together we can make the journey
To the end of this hurtful time
Where you see no end
Where I fear the loss of my heart
You are my heart, my beating heart
That beats only for you, and your survival
Meaning the entire world to me
You are not alone, don't be afraid
The tears fall like drops of rain down my cheek
The quiet sobs break the silence of my hurting
How can I stay strong when the only one I care for,
Is crumbling in front of me?
Better?
0
Comments
and good idea for showing it to your parents too.
I am not very good at English lol, but to me it sounds like it's beautifully written. The only bit I wasn't sure about was including an answer in the last line.
I think I repeat "world" in the 4th stanza once too many
and I will rethink the answer at the end
"You are not alone, don't be afraid"
To the end of this hurtful time..
..Where you see no end
Where I fear the loss of my heart
i would do this... and or.. where you see no end, i cannot mend, i fear the loss of my heart, this is a true start for everday, my sorrow do we part..
Theres my creative input for the day