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5 years - do I wait or go?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I'm really stuck ATM n could really do with some advice from people completely seperate from what is going on.
Basically it's this: I've been with my boyfriend for just over 5 years now, we moved in together just over 6 months ago. for the past few months/maybe over a year I've been kinda getting my hopes up to being proposed to, more so the closer to our 5-year anniversary and esp with seeing so many old friends etc getting engaged/married on facebook. very recently two close friends who got together about the same time as us got engaged and it was finally at that point that I realised that my boyfriend is noooo where near ready to ask me. It's really made me think hard about what I'm doing with him.
He has his own company and bought a house with his close friend a couple of years ago. I gave up a lot of things i had wanted when i was young in order to make our relationship work, like where i went to uni, the career i wanted to go into, where i wanted to live and even my dream to go travelling in my early 20s. This was basically because of the choices he made about he wanted from life. I've been thinking recently that I've maybe made a mistake giving up those things.
He has always taken ages to commit. a year ago I couldnt even get him to tell me that he MIGHT one day want to live with me - i just wanted to know it was on the cards at some point and he wouldnt even give me that - I've been through this sort of commitment stuff with him before and so Im guessing that he will eventually ant to get married. I just worry that it wont be for a very long time, especially as he has moved forward commitment wise in the last 6 monhs moving in with me, we've even got a kitten so I'm tryig to be patient. It also concerns me that maybe I'll wait and eventually we'll get married n it will be lovely but then i'll have the same problem when I want to have kids and he'll take so long I'll lose the opportunity to eve have any (it makes me want to see what my fertility is like now it concerns me so much!).
I've always made it clear to him where i want this relationship to go and even said "this is what i want eventually, if you're not ok with that then dont waste my time" I've not been pushing it and made it clear if he says he wants it too I'm not gonna expect it to happen right now.
He said to me the other day when we talked this over that he sees marriage as something grown ups do and he's not grown up enough yet(this from the guy who has employees and a mortgage) - this was the problem before. I feel like he wants to be grown up in every way apart from relationship wise.
Thing is. when i thought this was forever and we'd get married and have babies etc i was totally happy to give up all the things i had wanted when i was younger. i chose a job which is just a simply 9-5 nowhere job because it pays the bills and gives me the opportunity to spend as much time with him as possible. it would even be a really good job if we had kids because they're really flexible etc. I've basically spent the last 5 years building mylife to fit his. He's not had to change his dreams. Most of the time this is fine because i want him more than the other stuff. It's just when i start to wonder if i'm wasting my time i start to think about the things ive given up and wonder if i'm making a mistake.

I really do love him and would love to spend my life with him. I just dont know if he will ever commit to me the way i want. I've never pointed out to him how much i've given up for him and i never will. I'd be scared he'd stay with me out of guilt. I am sure he has never realised at all.

What do people think i should do? wait it out and hope for the best or stop waiting and go do the things i wanted to do before i met him? its so hard because i know right now it sounds like im being an idiot and should walk away but i would know i was doing the right thing if he actually proposed and i comitted my life to him.

I keep telling myself he has come a long way in a short amount of time but sometimes it's not enough. I feel like im on a rollercoaster, sometimes i think i should stay and sometimes i think i should go. I would really like to know what total strangers make of the situation

thanks in advance to anyone who responds!

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    From what you describe you seem to give the impression you want to get married just because all your friends are.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    MrG wrote: »
    From what you describe you seem to give the impression you want to get married just because all your friends are.

    It's probably a touch more complex than that. I know that I've been finding it increasingly harder when I hear about friends' engagements and marriages. Even finding out that my freshers' fling (who I had no feelings for) recently got married stung a bit. Whereas we're coming up for our 9th 'anniversary' in a couple of months, I still have no idea whether marriage will be on the cards at all - my boyfriend changes his views on it on a semi regular basis. Maybe it's a thing about security? I know he loves me and is about as committed as they come (in our case it was him that made the sacrifices - my studying for a PhD put back out ability to get our own place considerably), but there's something about a wedding ring and sharing surnames that makes it all seem more 'proper'...I can't rationalise it, God know's I've tried.

    I know this doesn't help much, Giraffe2010, but hopefully at least it's some comfort to know that someone's in a similar boat.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    In my personal opinion, if you're unsure where he stands about kids you shouldn't be thinking about marriage. Marriage isn't really such a huge commitment if you really think about it. Before kids, it's just a fancy way to say you love your partner.

    From what I read I'd say there are two seperate problems:
    1. He isn't really that committed
    2. You've sacrificed a lot for him

    And yet I think both are connected in that sense that it's usually not a good idea to give important stuff up for a loved one, stuff like education and a career. It's not good for you because you have given up your independence and for him because you're not really giving him a reason to committ since you tailor everything around him. You've waited for him to want to live with you, you're waiting for him to want to marry you, have kids with you, etcetc. When do you ever make him "wait" for you? I'm not suggesting relationships are based on gameplay but sometimes you need to feel that your partner has their own life to really value them as a person.

    I personally think it's actually healthy to sometimes miss your partner and feel that they can't always be there. At the same time it's also nice to know they're doing something they enjoy and matters to them. I work shifts and my bloke often needs to work longer and on weekends as well as us both are studying something. Our conflicts clash a lot and sure it often sucks and we've both been tempted to call in sick (even given in). I think it also helps us enjoy our time together more, I can't take him from granted because I can't have him whenever I want.

    So basically what I'm saying is, do something with your life that YOU want! If you're not fulfilled getting engaged/married won't solve that. You can't let your whole life revolve around what you think another person would want from you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If you do love each other, why the need to get married to justify it to yourself?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    MrG wrote: »
    If you do love each other, why the need to get married to justify it to yourself?

    Because she wants to know that he's committed to her for the long haul, not just that he's sticking around for the moment but may bolt as soon as something more attractive comes up. She wants children one day, and needs to know that he does too, and won't turn round when she's 35 and say, you know what? I don't really fancy having kids, it's all a bit too grown up.

    Sadly, especially for women, we can't always just drift along enjoying the moment and being content with the fact that things right now are good. You do need to know what his future plans are, before you find that he's fucked up yours because he never bothered to tell you that he didn't want the same things as you.

    How old are you Giraffe?

    If I were you, I would think about doing some of those things you feel you sacrificed for him. It's not too late to go travelling now, especially as you're not in your dream career but just a 9 to 5. I'm not saying you should split up with him; tell him that you love him and plan on being with him when you get back from travelling. But it seems you're making all the sacrifices and he's not even prepared to make it clear whether he's committed to you or not, so it's time you got a life of your own, and made him have a long hard think about whether he wants to commit to you, or risk losing you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    All of what Jaloux and Jamelia said.

    I bang on about this all the time, but a wise person once told me that to make a relationship work, it's not enough to just love each other, you need to be evenly yoked as well. At the minute he's not even fastened to the cart - he's just telling you which direction to go in, and you're doing all the pulling. It's not fair, and it's not sustainable, as you're finding out now.

    I really think it's important to live your own life, or I think you'll regret it in years to come. Go travelling, do your dream job. Why should you compromise when he won't?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Kaff wrote: »
    All of what Jaloux and Jamelia said.

    I really think it's important to live your own life, or I think you'll regret it in years to come. Go travelling, do your dream job. Why should you compromise when he won't?

    :yes: Very well put all of you!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you

    Thank you everyone for your responses. I think everyone else answered perfectly my feelings to MrG, though thank you for your responses, I'm surrounded by women at work and amoungst friends to talk it over with and I was hoping for male perspective as well. I have been trying to be fair and see things from his perspective and keep telling myself things like what you have said... but it's not just wanting to do it cus everyone else is, and like jamelia i think it want to know he's committed. The close couple who recently got engaged that i mentioned before were discussing buying a house together and it made me realise that they get to plan THEIR future. she is safe in the knowledge that her boyfriend wants to begin building a life together, and whilst my boyfriend may want to do it eventually i've always got it in the back of my mind that he might get scared off n run away at any moment. He once had to have a "break" for two weeks because some of his friends had a baby and his mum started telling him how he'd be a good dad one day and stuff and I was left for two weeks not knowing if he would come back to me or not.
    I've tried talking to him about it and at the moment we're at a bit of a stale mate. I dont want to push him for fear of him running away and i want him to really be ready and think "this is the girl i want to be with forever" and actually mean it when he does propose. I keep going from wanting to tell him it's over to thinking it's just me in my head and i should just be happy i have someone who loves me and wants to live with me.
    with regards to living my life and travelling etc i don't think i could travel without him which is why i've given up on the idea. i went away for almost two weeks on holiday without him and all i could think as i went sight-seeing and stuff was i wanted him to be there to experience it with me. my biggest travelling fantasy would be to travel the world - go everywhere and do it for 6 months/a year but of course he cant take the time off work at all. I just think i would be miserable travelling without him because i'd be sad he was missing the experiences i was having without him
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I've had a very similar situation to you, so I can really feel your frustrations. I'm 21 now, and when I first met my boyfriend, he had some emotional issues, he wasn't sure he could even commit to me long term. I had my doubts, but I got into a relationship with him anyways.

    A little bit later in our relationship, I wanted to know what I meant to him. I'd ask if he saw me in his future, and his answer was, "I can't see that far ahead yet." Despite that, I was able to open his heart more. There was a point in my relationship, where I've been in several bad ones and know from previous experience, that I don't want to waste my time on anyone who isn't going to be apart of my future. I made this clear to him, and told him I simply wasn't going to be with him if he was just biding his time with me.

    And it was like he did an entire 360. He looked for a job where I am going to uni and he ended up finding one an hour away from where I lived. Just recently, he got an apartment here, and he commutes everyday from where I live. I ask him now what made him change his mind, and he was it was the realization of losing me. It was what made him commit. Now he wants to buy a puppy and in a year or so, propose to me.

    I'm sorry you have to wait this long, by the sounds of it, you are absolutely deserving of a loving marriage and future. I understand that the wait hurts, and the fact of not knowing the future is difficult. I hope my words can give you some comfort, I've been in your shoes, and things are much better than what I ever expected them to be.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    .... and whilst my boyfriend may want to do it eventually i've always got it in the back of my mind that he might get scared off n run away at any moment. He once had to have a "break" for two weeks because some of his friends had a baby and his mum started telling him how he'd be a good dad one day and stuff and I was left for two weeks not knowing if he would come back to me or not.

    Whoa there! Didn't this ring major alarm bells with you? This guy is doing everything he can to tell you that he cannot commit.

    Listen to Jamelia, Jaloux and Kaff. Time to kick over the traces and take back some of your independence.
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