wishing it was over

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,329 The Mix Honorary Guru
basically, im wishing i was dead right now. I cant stand life, and so many suicidal thoughts have come into my head recently. I was walking to school this morning and it was still quite dark and a car was going very fast along the road towards me. I very nearly stepped out in front of it on purpose. But then i realised that being hit by a car might just paralise me, not kill me, which would suck even worse.
As far as the sh goes......I LOST MY RAZOR!!! But i know that ill prob get a new one tomorrow. :(
I really think that i have depression or bipolar disorder, i just dont know how to tell people. The only two people i could tell are my mum and my gp, and to get to my gp ill have to get a lift from my mum. So i would basically have to tell her about eveything, and i have a feeling that she wouldnt take it well. Everyone thinks im the calm, stress-free one in the family, when really behind the mask im probably worse than anyone else. So im worried that she wont believe me, because i put on such a good mask of being happy, when im miserable inside. I wouldnt know how to begin to tell her.
If i do survive to tell her, i will probably do it after half term, when coursework isnt that bad. it would defo be worse having coursework going on as well as all of this coming out. :impissed:
Oh, and im mega scared of the diagnosis .... being told im mental and then having to go to councilling and poss taking meds :crying:

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,329 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Robot, it's hard to hear how difficult your finding it to talk openly about the way you are feeling.

    If you want to tell your Mum how you feel it might be worth trying to write down what you'd like to tell your Mum first, not to actually give her, but as a way of thinking it through. That way you can try to follow it whilst talking to her without struggling to find the words you want.

    One thing that might surprise you could be that other people have been worried about you but haven't known how to approach you, just like you haven't been able to approach them. It may be that it will be as much of a relief for your mum as for you to talk about how you're feeling openly.

    There are other places you could talk to in the short term as well, along with the boards, such as speaking to Samaritans (on 08457 90 90 90). That can be a great way to find out how it feels to talk about what you're really feeling.

    Hiding a mental health problem can also mean the situation gets worse. Maybe try to think of it like a physical health problem as a way of seeing a different perspective. If you had a broken leg and didn't tell anyone, the problem would just get more serious and be harder to hide. If you told someone they'd be able to help get it plastered and find something to help with the pain. A mental health problem is a health problem, it's just that it can still carry an unfortunate stigma that makes people hide it.

    I also really hope, and believe, that your mum wouldn't doubt what you're saying though. I don't think people faced with someone being honest about they feel think that it's made up.

    And it's hard to know what the future might bring, but medication and counseling are tools to help people deal with how they feel. About 1 in 4 people experience a mental health problem and look for help with it, so treatments for a mental health problem don't need to carry the same stigma they have in the last century.

    It probably will be scary to see a doctor, to no longer be seen as the person who doesn't have a problem, but I think your family are more likely to want to see you happy than bottling up how you feel.

    It may be a change, but a change doesn't have to be a bad thing - especially when it can mean you being happier and not having the burden of covering up how you're feeling.
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