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what is happening?!

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hey everyone

Haven't been on here in quite a long time (took me forever to remember my password), but I need some advice and after feeling like I had hit a wall.

I started 6th form this year and felt better than I have done in ages. As geeky as it sounds it was really interesting studying fewer subjects but in so much more depth...moving on. However by October I felt how I had in year 10 and 11 again: not wanting to get up in the morning and feeling really awkward and out of it at school. Nothing had changed within my friendship group but I felt really lonely and isolated. I don't really know how to describe it so it makes sense...it is sort of like that rowntrees advert where they say things and I have no idea what they mean. I don't know...

The smallest of things are upsetting me. A few weeks ago one of my friends was talking about how great her dad was and I was sat there like "uh I wouldn't know..." because my dad died before I was one. But it got me thinking and I don't have any memories about him and I only know about him from my mum. I don't know anything for myself and I don't even know what he sounded like. It is so stupid, but I would do anything to see or hear him. Usually I don't get upset over things like this and I can't work out why I am now...it makes no sense to me at all.

I feel ill and really rundown all the time and because of this I am not in the mood to eat, no matter how hard I try. I am basically living on oranges, which I KNOW isn't healthy, but I can't help it. Even if I try and eat something else I end up throwing it back up (I will add not out of choice) One of my teachers noticed I have lost weight and asked me about it and I pretty much dismissed it. I am too scared to discuss it with teachers because I don't want it to affect uni applications/references etc. They already know so much about me and things that have gone wrong. So as much as I wanted to talk to this teacher I was too scared of what would happen and I don't want her thinking I am deranged or something. I know that because I am not eating properly doesn't help the fact I am really tired and feel ill, so it is my own fault basically, but I felt unhappy before that. It won't stop one thing is leading to another and I want to be able to stop it, I just don't know how. :crying:

If this isn't enough I have been having really weird and scary dreams for the past few weeks. They have been pretty graphic and the consequence is I am terrified of the dark and night. My year head died in one of my dreams from cancer (why?!) and in another my best friend was being beaten up by her parents. I realise how stupid this sounds and I know I sound crazy but it is really freaking me out because it is about people who I care about or who have helped me a lot in the past. I don't know what to do anymore...thinking about everything makes my head hurt.

Thanks for reading...

Issie x

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Issie

    I read what you wrote and I really feel for you. Sometimes when I'm really stressed I throw up myself. Maybe speak to the doctor about this, because it is important you are getting the right nutrition in your body to have the energy to start to deal with everything else.

    You could also mention your dreams to your doctor. Dreams are a really difficult thing to deal with, and I know several people who have been affected by dreams to the extent where they can't really get a good nights sleep at all.

    It just sounds to me like you are overloaded with stress and trying to deal with all your emotions at this time is really difficult, but if you speak to your doctor or even your teachers they may be able to put you in touch with a counsellor who can help you work through your feelings.

    Take care x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ShyBoy wrote: »
    Hi Issie

    I read what you wrote and I really feel for you. Sometimes when I'm really stressed I throw up myself. Maybe speak to the doctor about this, because it is important you are getting the right nutrition in your body to have the energy to start to deal with everything else.

    You could also mention your dreams to your doctor. Dreams are a really difficult thing to deal with, and I know several people who have been affected by dreams to the extent where they can't really get a good nights sleep at all.

    It just sounds to me like you are overloaded with stress and trying to deal with all your emotions at this time is really difficult, but if you speak to your doctor or even your teachers they may be able to put you in touch with a counsellor who can help you work through your feelings.

    Take care x

    thanks for replying and reading my essay...I really appreciate it.

    I don't make myself thrown up. At least I don't think I do anyway. I hate it and I hate being in the position I am in...

    Realistically I know I should go to the doctors but the thought of it scares me. I don't know where I would start in telling them everything that is going on in my head. I don't want to have to look at their face when I am telling them because they will probably think I am really weird. I am terrified of being judged for how or who I am.

    In year 11 I was talking to someone from this mental health place (I can't remember what it is called..it is all initials) I found if kind of helpful but after 6 sessions the person said they didn't see the need for me to carry on seeing them because I seemed a lot more confident within myself and "my view on life was more positive". This was partly true but I hadn't been overly talkative in these meetings, I sort of froze and floated along so they probably didn't get the full picture. And I didn't want to be judged.

    :banghead:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I really get where you're coming from. And what I meant was, when I get nervous, my tummy goes funny and then I'm sick :( even though I don't to be. I had counselling when I was 15 and after 4 sessions she said she thought I was getting on better and unless I had any reservations that we could end the sessions. So counsellors aren't always the best, but they are one resource available when you feel like you need to get things off your chest.

    It's really difficult to go to your doctor about this kind of thing - I put off going to mine for years for fear of being labelled a hyperchondriact - but it should hopefully start the process - even if its just little things like making sure you're getting enough nutrition, so then you can go from strength to strength.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    So I went to the doctor's drop in clinic. I wrote everything down that I wanted to say because I was too scared to speak, so I just handed over this piece of paper to the doctor and kind of sat there. And she goes "things seem bad now but they will get better" then she asked me loads of questions and good old me sat there like a lemon...I think that my mouth had run away or something because I actually could not speak. At all. Then I went into epic meltdown and just cried and cried and cried. I couldn't even explain why I was crying and I felt like such a dick. She was really nice which made me feel even more stupid and she basically said that today wasn't going to go anywhere further and it was good that I had told someone (it doesn't feel good, I feel so stupid) so it would be better trying to talk more when I was calmer. I have another appointment later in the week and in the meantime I have to write down everything I do (or don't) eat.

    The school were remarkably calm over me missing a lesson (thanks for the doctors note advice last night an chat) but even they aren't stupid and guessed something was going on and lucky me got to sit down and talk to my tutor. She talked, I sat there. Same old. Why do I keep freezing up when I need to talk?

    So...all in all I can't say I am feeling much better about going to the doctors. I feel stupid and like a waste of space. I went on a walk last night, for no reason expect for I couldn't sleep and walking around the the freezing cold seemed like a good idea, and part of me wanted to keep walking and never turn back.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Though you might not feel better right now, you have taken the first step - like you say you have another appointment later in the week and it IS good that you are starting to get things off your chest.

    You know deep down that you deserve to be happy and not stressed and upset. I think you have shown really remarkable bravery in being able to deal with your problems head on by going to the doctor even if it was difficult to talk - you should feel like you've achieved that much (I couldn't have done that!!).

    I am really proud of you and I'm sure this is just the first step of many down the road to a much happier and healthier you :).

    Well done x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm sorry to keep posting etc but my head is all over the place and yeah, same old, big mess and don't know what to do.

    My mum has decided to take an interest in my life and came across my doctors note in my school bag. Fml. Totally should have handed it over to my tutor/binned in. So she now thinks I am insane and she is going to ring the school tomorrow and she went off on one saying she is sick of me being at home looking so unhappy all the time, sitting in my room with the door shut, and if this is the case she wants me out because she resents having to pay for me to live in the house when I don't "contribute". I don't have anywhere else to go. She has gone out now and as she left her words were "sort it out or get out when I come back"

    My room is the only place I feel safe. I want to be able to open my mouth and tell people how I feel instead of being some silent freak. I want to stop throwing everything up. I want to be somewhere else and not here anymore :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    :wave: Hi Issie Bee

    Sorry to hear that you are feeling pretty low again and that things are not too good with you and your Mum right now. You say that you find it difficult to express your feelings verbally ? This is very common and you are certainly not a freak ! Maybe you could try writing your Mum a letter just explaining exactly how you are feeling at the moment, it doesn't have to be long just a few words to let her know you are going through a low patch at the moment. Is there anyone else, a family member or a close friend you could talk to ? Your visit to the doctors sounds very positive and you should be proud of yourself.

    I hope this has been helpful.
    Keep posting and let us know how you are getting on.
    Take Care and stay safe.
    B :)
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