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Getting over parents divorce
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I need some coping strategies or maybe just a chat...not sure:nervous:
There is obviously sooo much happened but the jist of it is basically;
My dad left 3 and a half years ago when I was 19 and their divorce came through just before Christmas last year. IT was a hige shock and the most heart wrenching time ever. He just said that he fell out of love with my mum....after 33 years!!!! My mum hit the bottle and basically broke down after he left, she was a mess and I really struggled to watch her like this but I tried to stay strong for her...As you can imagine I was very angry and broken about the whole situation not only at Dad leaving and splitting my family up but also I felt he was to blame....rightly or wrongly for mum being so ill after her left. We fought like cat and dog and I guess that was becuase we were both hurting so much with Dad away and we only had each other to share and take all our emotions out on.
I saw a counsellor during the early stages but all I seemed to do was cry for an hour every week. My relationship with my dad has been up and down up and
My relationship with Dad before he left was amazing. But since he left he is terrible . I now live away from home and my mum and I speak everyday and are excited to see each other but when I come home after a day or 2 fights break out and it is awfull. I almost feel like I am this horrible person and terrible daughter and to be honest the arguements are sooo petty. Sometimes I just feel she is always trying to pick holes in me and what I do or say...
Does anyone have any similar stories and fancy a chat about it maybe give each other advice or somthing? I don't know it is just really getting me down so bad and I feel completely rejected by my parents sometimes but other times we get on so well...
Suzie
There is obviously sooo much happened but the jist of it is basically;
My dad left 3 and a half years ago when I was 19 and their divorce came through just before Christmas last year. IT was a hige shock and the most heart wrenching time ever. He just said that he fell out of love with my mum....after 33 years!!!! My mum hit the bottle and basically broke down after he left, she was a mess and I really struggled to watch her like this but I tried to stay strong for her...As you can imagine I was very angry and broken about the whole situation not only at Dad leaving and splitting my family up but also I felt he was to blame....rightly or wrongly for mum being so ill after her left. We fought like cat and dog and I guess that was becuase we were both hurting so much with Dad away and we only had each other to share and take all our emotions out on.
I saw a counsellor during the early stages but all I seemed to do was cry for an hour every week. My relationship with my dad has been up and down up and
My relationship with Dad before he left was amazing. But since he left he is terrible . I now live away from home and my mum and I speak everyday and are excited to see each other but when I come home after a day or 2 fights break out and it is awfull. I almost feel like I am this horrible person and terrible daughter and to be honest the arguements are sooo petty. Sometimes I just feel she is always trying to pick holes in me and what I do or say...
Does anyone have any similar stories and fancy a chat about it maybe give each other advice or somthing? I don't know it is just really getting me down so bad and I feel completely rejected by my parents sometimes but other times we get on so well...
Suzie
0
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I think quite a few people on here, including myself, have gone through a parents' divorce. Some people will have had similar experiences to you, and others completely different.
My parents split up about 3 years ago. They'd been together about 21 years, but during the last 4-5 had stopped communicating- due to various reasons. My mum closed off, and then my dad got made redundant so he got depressed and closed off, my mum tried to sort things but then when she didn't get any response ended up wanting to split up, and then my dad wanted to fix things but it was too late.
Whilst it was happening, I hated it (i was nearly 21 and living away from home) - I guess because it was splitting the family up. I liked living with all the people i loved together (even if i was living at uni) and didn't like that when i was at home i wouldn't have all of my family together. I also didn't like the bitchiness that happened during it (and got myself stuck in the middle a few times, but that's a different story).
However, when they were split up, I saw pretty quickly that it was for the best, with positive changes in both of them. Mum was less stressed, and Dad seemed to regain his zest for life and freedom. They still had some bitterness towards each other, which I got stuck in the middle of until i finally snapped.
My dad ended up dying a year ago, and I think in some ways my mum thought i blamed her for his death as she asked him to move out. Cos of this, mum and I had been having a few snappy discussions, until i realised why. I wrote her a letter explaining things and that i didn't blame her, and that seems to have healed things between us.
It's really hard when things happen to your parents, and then suddenly you seem to have to support them- especially as you love them so you want to help. Sometimes you can, and sometimes you have to let them get on with it on their own.
I'd try writing a letter to each of your parents- perhaps even do several drafts. Write down everything, what's hurt you, what you feel you want to do about it in the future, and then cut it down to something reasonable that will hopefully get a good response (ie telling somebody that you hate them and that they've ruined your life is not a good idea, as it's likely to put them on the defensive rather than make them amenable to your point of view.).
I think you're at the same stage as me, where you're becoming an adult and therefore redefining your relationship with your parents. It's difficult and people don;t like to accept the changes sometimes.
Anyway, i feel like i am rambling now, but i hope that what i've written is of some help.
Do you talk to your dad much? I agree that trying to talk to both of them or writing them letters to explain your feelings will help.
My parents were, and still are quite bitchy towards each other, using my brother and I as weapons. I've always thought that was very low and I just ignore them if do it. Try not to let their grievances become yours, as in my opinion it's better to have some relationship with both of your parents, even if one or both of them might have done something wrong.
Hang in there and be strong for your mum, and you will get through it.
I know what you mean, as my mum and dad split up and got divorced during my teen years.
This was mainly due to infidelity on my mums part, to which I held anger against her for. There were other underlying issues also.
However, I find that I am able to get on with my dad easier than I am with my mum - they have both moved on and my dad re-married and my mum has a boyfriend, but I still find it easier to get on with my dad.
I also feel like you, in that my mum criticises me for even the smallest of things - insignificant things in the long run, but my sibling can do no wrong.
My advice would be to try and have time away when possible and limit yourself to small visits etc, in which time arguments may not be possibly.
If you want to chat about this sort of stuff, let me know.
My mum+dad got diuorced i was 11i think +i went off the rails i always knew they would get together again even though i really liked my mum partner .
Well i was 15 they got remarried again and stil strong even more so to this day.
thanks for all this fab advice. Never realised there would be so many posts.
I have written my Dad a letter several times. I don't think he ignores them, rather just does not know how to deal with them...or me as an adult... I miss our relationship so much and it hurts so much that we dont talk, but at the same time it is more hurtful when we do and he is bullying me and being nasty or controlling.
Quennmab_roo, I particularly found your post comforting to read. I think it is different when you parents divorce at a late stage as apposed to when i was a child. i am sorry that your father died...and thats similar to how I have felt in the past. I almost feel angry towards dad for leaving because I feel that he was to blame for my mum being so ill but also the only way he has offered to support me is financially...I feel like throwing this back in his face because it is just material. I don;t want his money, I want him...a happy relationship with my where there is a mutual respect and understanding.
I guess time is a healer and the more I deal with the stronger I get....I guess you will too
x
It's a bit of a revelation when you realise that your parents can at times be less mature and less able to deal with things than you. I'm not 100% sure whether you are actually seeing your dad at the moment, but if you are, perhaps trying saying things to him face to face. It can be difficult standing up to bullying especially when it's coming from a family member, but eventually when you redefine adult relationships they should be able to take it. It's happened with my mum and I, if she's unreasonable I now end up saying something about it.
I think the difference in reactions to divorce between children and older people comes from understanding different things- or even being able to understand at all. I really hope your father sorts himself out to be able to offer more than just money in your relationship, but at the same time steel yourself, unfortunately people do at times disappoint us. Cross fingers that he gets better at it.
:yes: Unfortunately I think that's true. My dad's a bit like that too. I love him and get on with him well, but there are certain aspects of his personality that grate with me...however I know that is just how he is and as he's getting on for 60, I know it's unlikely he will ever change, so I just accept it and just try not to let it get to me.
I'm sorry to hear about your parents divorcing. Mine did when I was 18, after a five year separation (my dad wouldn't agree to the divorce as he apparently couldn't see there was a problem, even though he was basically an alcoholic which is why my mum left). It was a horrid time, even though I was at university when the divorce finally happened I felt awful because my brothers chose to live with my mum whereas I decided to split my time at home between my parents because I felt bad about Dad being on his own, even though I basically blamed him for the split. There was a lot of bitterness between them and even though they tried not to let us get caught up in it, we obviously picked up on it and it affected us all in quite different emotional ways.
However, looking back on it all now (I'm 27 now) I can honestly say it was the best thing they did. They are both much happier apart and have even become friends again now after a long period of not even being able to speak to each other. My mum remarried, and although she and my stepdad have since divorced as well (that's another story!!) she is now living in South Africa with her partner and is finally happy and fulfilled. I feel that me and my brothers are actually closer now due to all we've been through and also I think we understand our parents more now and can empathise with them better as we're all adults (my brothers are 25 and 22). So what I really wanted to say to you is I think it will get better. It's such a cliche but as you said yourself, time really does heal and people forget...and move on. At the end of the day, they're your parents and they love you, and they're only human. They make mistakes and mess things up and don't always do the right thing just as much as anyone else. I hope things get better for you - I'm sure they will x
Hey Guys,
My parents told me last year that they were getting separated. It is a year later and they are still living in the house together because the house is not sold yet. It has been a very awkward situation. They don't really get along but they are still at least talking sometimes. I am 19 and attending college. I am having a really hard time dealing with all of this. At first when they told me I was a mess because I always thought that this would never happen to me. I still today don't think I have come to deal with the reality that soon my parents are going to be divorced soon. I think about all the time how my family is falling apart. I have not been able to go talk to a counselor about it. I have tried calling the counseling center here on campus but every time I do, I can't. I am having a hard time talking to anyone about it. I am holding all my feelings inside and I can't handle it. I always thought that my parents would be together forever. I feel as if I am putting on a happy face constantly here at school, even when I am so upset. I don't know what to do. I am going home for the summer in 4 weeks and I am 100% dreading it. I don't know how I am going to deal with the summer with the 2 of them living in the same house with just me. I am worried if I don't deal with this soon that I am just going to get worse. Please, if you have any advice, let me know.
-lindsay
My mum and dad got divorced just over 2 years ago but were split up for 2 years before tht. My mum and dad absolutly hate each other and im stuck in the middle of it because they hide all their hate for each other from my brothe who is younger and im stuck in the middle of it. It always my fault and im just sick of it and whenever they tlk to me i just switch off.
Im 15 and im never gettin married so i will never have to get a divorce. Problem solved there then!
Dealing with divorce is a hell for your mom. Keep your patience in dealing with your mom's outburst; she needs you more at this time of grief. try to give her a back massage, accompany her to a salon, and show how serious you are in helping her recover.