Stupid stuff and nonsense

I'm posting this in relationships, but I suppose it could go anywhere really. I'm not necessarily looking for responses, as I'm not sure what advice there is to give, but I'm hoping that at least writing things down might get them off my chest.

I'm feeling really crappy about a number of things at the moment and really want to get out of this negative mindset, particularly as some of the things I'm fretting over are bloody ridiculous.

Firstly, over the past few weeks I've become increasingly....obsessed....with marriage. I made a thread back in September about how me and my boyfriend had a conversation about marriage, where basically he said he was neutral on the issue. At the time I was really really glad that at last we'd had a proper conversation about this and that I knew where he stands etc., as he's always been a great one for sending out mixed messages on the subject. I've also always thought that I wasn't that fussed and if it never happens, well, it never happens, and that we're fine the way we are, but recently it's started to really eat me up. Over the past few years so many friends, relations, old school friends and exes have tied the knot, and the horrible part of my brain keeps asking what's wrong with me, why doesn't he want to marry me, as if it's all about jumping on the bandwaggon, when I KNOW it's not about doing what everyone else is doing (in fact it's nobody else's business whether we do or don't get married, and similarly, what they do shouldn't have a baring on us) and I KNOW it's not personal. He loves me to bits and sees a future for us, but just isn't that fussed about marriage. And he actually said on the day we were talking about it that he would get married 'for me', but I said - and honestly believe - that that isn't good enough and that I couldn't accept a proposal unless he wanted to do it as much for him as well as for me. So know I suppose I'm also wondering how, if a proposal ever does waft my way, I ensure that he is genuine about it. I suppose it also doesn't help that a lot of our married friends tease us about it - he asked a mate when he and his wife were going to have kids (they've recently extended their house, so the odds are on it won't be in the far too distant future) and he replied, 'when you two get engaged', and then another time when we said we weren't doing any proper holidays this year, the friend said, 'saving for the honeymoon?' It's all so stupid.

And on a different, but related note, I am so scared about my career, or lack thereof. I've finished my PhD and am now working full time as a secondary school administrator while I look for more career-related jobs. I feel so unsatisfied, yet I've only been doing it a couple of months and feel guilty because I should be glad I've got anything at all, but I also seem to be making loads of silly mistakes and I keep thinking if I can't cope with a low-level admin job, how the hell do I expect to be able to cope with an academic or research post. I've also got to the point where I think my thesis is shit and contributes nothing, which is really difficult in trying to think where to go next with it, or applying for fellowships etc. I'm now on half term and need to make the most of the opportunity to go to the National Archives and find additional bits for working on expanding my thesis, but I just keep thinking 'what's the point?' All this kind of relates to the above paragraph because I keep wondering what the hell my boyfriend (a lawyer) is doing with an admin worker and I'm not good enough for him, and no wonder he doesn't want to marry me. My confidence is at rock bottom and I need to find a way to get out of this deep trough I've dug for myself and think positively, but I really don't know where to begin. Knowing that half my thoughts are ridiculous doesn't stop me thinking them.

Thanks for reading. Hopefully having written this down will have purged things a bit.