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irrational fears and general clingyness

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru

Bascially im after advice on how i can change my outlook on things. The girl im going out with right now is incredibly independant and doesnt rely on me for anything, which i suppose is probably the right outlook to have in a relationship, but im just not used to it. With every other girlfriend ive had in the past ive been like their 'superman'. I dont mean that in a big headed way just that i was always the one they would go to sort out problems, if they were upset they'd want me there to cuddle them etc, a protector so to speak.
So how do i deal with someone who doesnt actually need me!? If she's upset she tends to want to deal with it by herself, she sorts out all her own problems.
Also she tends to like a lot of her own space, shes got a one year old little girl so obviously spends all day with her then when she gets time to herself (when she's put her kid to bed) she tends to like being alone quite a bit so i dont really get to see her that often (imo, although to some it probably is quite often, like once or twice a week).

I can feel myself being clingy sometimes and i hate it because she's like the opposite of clingy and i'm just something extra in her life not a main part which im also not used to.
The fact that she doesnt want to be around me all the time makes me wonder if she's really into me or if shes going off me. The 'sensible' part of me says that im just being stupid and that being around someone 24/7 is not normal/healthy but yet the irrational part of me thinks im totally jusitified in thinking that.

I'd love to get to a point where im the same way she is, but i constantly find myself wanting to around her or text her which is just clingy really as she shouldnt be my main focus.

so my question is how!? Before people suggest getting my own life, going out with friends etc, i do that all the time but even while im out i still constantly think about her. help :crazyeyes


  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    She could just be protecting herself a bit, if shes been hurt in the past. Shes likely to be more wary of getting too involved because of her child.
    Either that or shes just not that into you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    She could just be protecting herself a bit, if shes been hurt in the past. Shes likely to be more wary of getting too involved because of her child.
    Either that or shes just not that into you.

    I agree apart from the part bout being into you.

    How long have you been with her Icey?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's a very tricky one mate, I get like that too sometimes, and my girlfriend isn't even as independant as yours sounds.

    The key is to give them space and alone time... that's very important for both of you, everyone needs a little me time. But there's also a time when you need 'together time' when you make eachother feel wanted, and it doesn't sound to me like you're getting as much of it as you'd like.

    I can't help you with the stopping of irrational fears and clingyness, because I'm searching for that secret too, but I do feel as if you should talk to her about how you feel and what you want from the relationship. Just be honest with her, she'll respect that.
    Having a kid must be exhausting in a way that we'll never understand until it happens to us, but it's important that you're both getting what you want from the relationship and you obviously aren't at the moment, so talk to her. One or two times a week wouldn't be enough for me either, but then I've been living with my misses for a year so I probably have a fucked up view on that. lol
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I agree with the above posts, either she is being a bit protective of herself, or you just have different ideals on how much time you want to spend with each other- i know personally when i'm in a relationship, i like to see them as much as possible, but other people have different views.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    How long have you been with her Icey?
    About 2 and a half months.
    SCC, i (would like to)think she is into me, because she doesnt really seem the type to just be with someone 'just because', i'm a student with no job and i only see her a couple of times a week so im not providing for her or anything, so if she didnt want to be with me she wouldnt be. I think she is just used to doing everything by herself because ever since she had her little girl its just been her living with her child on their own. its not her wanting to be with me that im worried about but my own neediness in a way.
    For example we always text a lot and speak online every day and if i hold off from texting her for fear of crowding/clinging she will actually text me even just random things when we dont have anything to say. so its not that i dont think shes into me its that if i saw/contacted her as much as i want to i think i would definatley be crowding her.

    I'm one of those people that need reassuring ALL THE TIME, so i dont know whats screwed me up in the past but theres definately something not right. why am i so dependant on her? and do i get over it and just enjoy things without worrying all the time?

    ETA: I dont think she is protecting herself, but maybe i dont know, like i say shes really independant. i know shes had problems in the past with her ex who shes got the kid with as hes got anger issues and i can see why she would be protective what with having a child to think about as well but i dont think that is the problem here, it seems like shes being perfectly rational in my head by her wanting her own time and wanting to see her friends and stuff, if i actually thought about things from an outside perspective but on the otherside i dont really understand why she doesnt want to see me 24/7- and i know thats a messed up pov but i dont know how to not think that way
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's a tough one.

    I'm a pretty independent girl and it's caused some problems in my relationship at times. I was so used to being on my own and dealing with problems that it was very hard for me to show my 'weak' side and allow somebody to 'fix' things now and then.
    What I think helped my bloke is that he doesn't always let me get away with it and sometimes helps me expose myself. He's actually very sensitive to my behaviour and often calls my bluff.

    Personally, as a girl, I enjoy to witness somebody doing something for me even if I say I'll handle it. Sometimes me and my bloke bicker because I say I can do something and he tells me he doesn't care he's going to do it for me anyway. I don't always act it but usually I do appreciate it (as long as it's not something patronizing). I always give in if he insists on doing the dishes. :p
    There's also stuff I can't provide to myself no matter how independent I am. Hugs, cuddling and of course sex.

    If you're chatting online, perhaps you should rather make yourself more unavailable there and ask if you shouldn't pop around or something like that? If you both have time for that she should have time for you in person (I hope!).
    You could also suggest stopping by briefly so you may see more of each other but not necessarily for long, or if there's some problem she's telling you about make yourself available to her in person. She may also be tired with having such a young child on her own, maybe you could offer to cook her a meal or bring takeaway or something like that?

    If you try to get more time with her, and she still pushes you away, then there might be a problem. You could also come clean with her and tell her you would like to see her more. You can do all that without sounding clingy. Sometimes I do something and don't realise how my bloke feels, it's helped me a lot how honest he is with me. I can get mad if he is telling me stuff I don't like to hear but I normally come to my senses soon after. ;)

    I hope things go well for you
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Jaloux wrote: »
    It's a tough one...
    You sound a lot like her actually Jaloux! I spoke to her last night about my thoughts on things and she basically said she does like spending time with me but she has a lot to deal with at the moment -getting kicked out of her house in about a months time, ex bf (the kids dad) access order thing runs out next month, and apparently a few other things she hasnt told me about that she doesnt want to involve me in as they're 'her problems', and she has to put other things first ahead of me. i suppose i can see her point as these things probably rank quite highly on her list of worries. i get the feeling she is a bit at a breaking point to be honest because when we were talking about things she was getting a bit mad that i kept asking her things and she looked close to tears (so i stopped of course).
    Shes not really very close to me anymore and doesnt like to be cuddled or anything that much just lately so im in two minds on what the problem is if its me or if she doesnt want to let me in, or if she wants to go it alone or what ive no idea.
    I did ask her if she was happy being with me and she said yes she was i just stress her out sometimes because i can get quite paranoid and ask a lot of questions (relating to the paranoid thoughts not just random questions)
    I did ask her if she thought she was being different with me to how she used to be and she agreed she was, said she just had a lot on her plate at the moment..
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It sounds like she's had to create emotional barriers so she can continue to look after her daughter while dealing her other problems. There could be more practical reasons too, if her ex is being difficult her relationship with you won't help, especially if you end up spending more time with her daughter in the future. I think, like Jaloux said, things like cooking her a meal when she's tired are a good idea, because it sounds like she's had to be independent. You say you're willing to help her, but I'm assuming her ex said the same thing. You need to prove that you want to be there for her, which will take time. If you let her know you're there for her and try to help in practical ways she might eventually stop feeling like she has to deal with everything on her own.
    In terms of your need for reassurance, from what you've said it doesn't sound like she'd be with you if she didn't want to be, she's just doesn't sound able to assure anyone of anything right now.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Actually this sounds a lot like what is going on with my boyfriend and me at the mo. I'm having major life issues, and I can't cope with having a relationship at the moment. It's gonna be a really difficult period for you, especially if she's not communicating her problems well. My boyf had no idea what was going on with me (not that I knew myself until very recently) and so it's knocked him for six.

    Just mainly- try to be supportive, but give the space. Have confidence in her and don't try to second guess her. Trust what she's saying!
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