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Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I am a married father aged 39 years born in Nottingham now living in the West Midlands.
I have issues & i don't know where to go to discuss them but i know i have to sort them out as i have horrors inside my head that i've carried around for years.
I don't have time to go into details now as i'm getting ready to go out but i will come back here & share my thoughts in the vain hope i can seek help here
I have issues & i don't know where to go to discuss them but i know i have to sort them out as i have horrors inside my head that i've carried around for years.
I don't have time to go into details now as i'm getting ready to go out but i will come back here & share my thoughts in the vain hope i can seek help here
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Feel free to discuss them here :-) We'll help
C-A x
When i was around 4years old we lived in a terraced house in Basford, Nottingham. Now i know (dont ask me how) that the house we lived in was evil or evil took place there. The house had two bedrooms, two living rooms, a kitchen, attic & a cellar for the coal.
There was no door on the attic entrance just a purple curtain & i hated going into the attic it scared me to death but i don't know why. It was a very dark place & it always made me feel as though evil lurked in the darkness up there.
At around the age of four my mother was taking me to bed one night(my dad was out ice skating with my sister) she fell onto the wooden cottage suite in the middle room & had an epiletic fit. I was so terrified just standing there watching her for what seemed like hours. I eventually went next door to my aunts house & told her ''my mums gone'' she found her. I remember that evening but then i have no memories at all until about the age of 9years when we moved house.
I have pics of my mother before her illness standing in the back garden in broad daylight yet every window behind her is pure black.
I blame myself i always have for her illness because i feel that i shouldve got help sooner & then maybe she wouldn't have lived like a cabbage for nearly 18 years. I was glad when she died.
For years after her first fit i had nightmares which i can remember. These nightmares consist of a long dark corridor. At the end of the corridor is a door. I can hear the screams & foul language of the beast which is locked behind the door. It is shaking the door so violently that its a wonder the door isn't torn from it's hinges however the door remains firmly shut. The door has never been opened to this day & the beast remains there screaming & swearing to get out.
My dad is still alive yet i have nothing but hatred for him. My reason for this i always felt was because, after my mother was ill he began playing around with other women. I found him once in the front room of the bungalow we moved to in beechdale so i hit him with a rounders bat. I broke four of his fingers & his nose. He never reported it.
Yet, since i have been married i have cheated on my wife with god knows how many women-only two of which she found out about. so what does that make me?
I love my wife dearly & i hate to see her get hurt but i have a big hangup about being close to her. I can have sex with women i hardly know without any issues yet as soon as they start to get close i move on.
I have very little to do with my family now. I always felt as though they all knew what the secret was & i didn't-either that or i was adopted or something that i don't know about.
For years i have always had real bad tempers where i can get violent-i don't got for people only objects however i did get arrested once for hitting my wife & i was cautioned for common assault.
for a while now i have calmed down a lot but i have never really been a good sleeper at night however the dreams of the corridor with the locked door are coming back to haunt me & i'm scared.
I miss my mother terribly i very rarely go to her grave i just wish she could talk to me & tell me everything is going to be alright. she died on Febuary the 14th 1994.
I really think you need to speak to a therapist, your life seems to have been very hard from a young age. Things that happen during childhood are what we remember most, and I know that when I am older I'll remember everything I've been through.
You must have happy memories of your mother, but it seems you can only think of how she passed away- which is the case with most people. Only the unhappy memories. Your mother passing was not your fault, but because you were so young I can see why you think that.
Also, maybe you and your wife should go into relationship counselling? You don't neccassereley have to tell her everything but I'm sure it would help you both to talk about why you cheated (even if it's only about the two times)
As for your family, it might not do any good meeting up with your dad face-to-face... but how about emailing him first? Or, possibly not your dad, another family member... Unless you are very against seeing them. I can understand why you are upset with your dad...
I do think that counselling would help you.
Good luck x
C-A xx
We are still together & we will always be together.
I don't really know how i would go about seeking counselling help where i live though?
No doubt i would have to pay for it & that could prove to be very expensive.
Strangley enough i have found comfort in Reggea Music. It seems to have got a hold on my soul & i feel as though i belong there. Something i havent felt in years
if i was to see my dad again then i really think i would kill him. As i said i always thought that i hated him for playing around but to be honest i'm not so sure
I'm sure you could get counselling, at least in groups, for free. Visit your GP... because there seem to be some problems here that haven't been addressed. They have just be pushed back in your mind.
It is good you feel you belong somewhere, that is something to work on.
C-A x
C-A x
Trust me from the sound the beast makes in my dreams it's a lot more than spiders
I do really really think you should get some professional help.
C-A x
Also how do i broach this sort of thing with my GP? i mean, it's not like i'm ill
C-A x
12!! how did you ever get to become wise at such a young age???
C-A x
how did you broach the subject with your GP?
C-A x
I think you can get it free on the NHS though...
C-A x
C-A x