If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
What would you do if...
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
- You'd been with your boyfriend nearly five years on and off and lived with him for a year in a rented flat
- He was friends with a girl you'd always been paranoid about, who you know has fancied him in the past and vice versa and who you'd had rows about in the past because of him meeting up with her secretly - his justification being he knew you would get angry if he met up with her
- You'd done an awful thing and looked at his pictures on his phone and seen ones of her which you know she had on her Facebook profile, which he's obviously downloaded onto his phone for whatever reason
- You decided not to confront him about this as you couldn't bear admitting to having looked at his pictures
- You couldn't stop thinking about it and became so paranoid you ended up checking his messages and found one from her saying she was dying to f*ck him but nothing from him to her
- You flew into a rage on finding this message and decided to end the relationship so sent her an angry message telling her to stay the f*ck away from your boyfriend, to which she responded saying she had backed off long ago, that they wouldn't be friends if that's what you wanted and that he loved you blah blah...you didn't tell her what you'd found on his phone and just told her to leave you alone
- You were on holiday with married friends at the time of finding this message so had to hold it together so as not to ruin the holiday, incidentally you and your boyfriend also have a business together with these friends. You decided to tell him about seeing the pictures and messages once you got home even if it meant the end of the relationship
- However by the time you got home your boyfriend was ill and you'd
calmed down and started to think perhaps you overreacted and that there was an explanation for all this so didn't tell him
- You realised you still had to tell him as this other girl would be bound to tell him herself at some point
- His mum then gets taken to hospital and is quite seriously ill so you still can't tell him
- You are torn in two between thinking there's no future for this relationship due to the lack of trust and the stuff on his phone but at the same time can't bear to think about ending things when you love him and so much else about the relationship is good and you can't imagine life without him :crying:
Sorry, this is long and confusing and I've probably not explained half of what's involved but I have no clue what I'm going to do...
- He was friends with a girl you'd always been paranoid about, who you know has fancied him in the past and vice versa and who you'd had rows about in the past because of him meeting up with her secretly - his justification being he knew you would get angry if he met up with her
- You'd done an awful thing and looked at his pictures on his phone and seen ones of her which you know she had on her Facebook profile, which he's obviously downloaded onto his phone for whatever reason
- You decided not to confront him about this as you couldn't bear admitting to having looked at his pictures
- You couldn't stop thinking about it and became so paranoid you ended up checking his messages and found one from her saying she was dying to f*ck him but nothing from him to her
- You flew into a rage on finding this message and decided to end the relationship so sent her an angry message telling her to stay the f*ck away from your boyfriend, to which she responded saying she had backed off long ago, that they wouldn't be friends if that's what you wanted and that he loved you blah blah...you didn't tell her what you'd found on his phone and just told her to leave you alone
- You were on holiday with married friends at the time of finding this message so had to hold it together so as not to ruin the holiday, incidentally you and your boyfriend also have a business together with these friends. You decided to tell him about seeing the pictures and messages once you got home even if it meant the end of the relationship
- However by the time you got home your boyfriend was ill and you'd
calmed down and started to think perhaps you overreacted and that there was an explanation for all this so didn't tell him
- You realised you still had to tell him as this other girl would be bound to tell him herself at some point
- His mum then gets taken to hospital and is quite seriously ill so you still can't tell him
- You are torn in two between thinking there's no future for this relationship due to the lack of trust and the stuff on his phone but at the same time can't bear to think about ending things when you love him and so much else about the relationship is good and you can't imagine life without him :crying:
Sorry, this is long and confusing and I've probably not explained half of what's involved but I have no clue what I'm going to do...
0
Comments
i think what i'd do is let it die down for a while especially if his mum is ill etc.then i think id tell your boyfriend about what you found on his phone, i know it means admitting you've looked on it but obviously you had a sneaky feeling about something and you were right. if my boyfriend looked at my phone behind my back id be a bit hurt that he felt he had to but ultimately wouldnt be too bothered cos i know there'd be absolutely nothing to hide on there, whereas your boyf did.
are the pictures you found off her facebook possibly pictures that shes sent him? i reckon the fact that you didnt find anything that he'd sent back to her message is a good thing, maybe shes just really into him and cant let go? what a cow though, it is not okay to send that to somebody elses boyfriend :mad:
hope you are okay. x
It sounds like you've been on a bit of a rollercoast ride of emotions, with getting angry, then having to suppress your feelings and questioning the relationship - I hope you're OK.
This part of your post really struck me:
Do you think the stuff on the phone is reason to split? Afterall it does sound like this girl was doing the chasing and chances are he was flattered - but the fact that even she says he loves you is a sign that he wasn't fully engaging with her at all and that he is ultimately loyal to you.
However, that word 'trust' is really important and perhaps this whole episode it symptomatic of other worries or concerns about your future together?
I guess what I'm saying is sometimes it's easy to get bogged down in the small detail for fear of seeing the bigger picture...
So, perhaps you could have a think about why you felt the need to check his phone and whether that's something you feel you'll always end up doing? And also, more generally, try to be honest with yourself about what you really love about this guy and whether for all the hurt it will cause in the shortterm - in the longterm, is this really right for you?
Hope this helps a little and let us know how you're feeling since you posted.
*hugs*
However if you can't trust your bf, for whatever reason, you really need to be honest and work out whether he's for you.
Have you ever spoken to him about how he feels about this girl? Or is it you putting 2 and 2 together and making 5?
Trust is an important thing in a relationship, though.
To be honest I do think he generally only likes her in a thinks she's fit/has a flirt with her kind of way and I'm not stupid enough to think that people don't have friends like that, I do as well if I'm honest (although I'd never send them texts like that or meet up with them behind my boyfriend's back). She rings him quite often for ages about various dramas in her life and he gets quite fed up with it, or says he does - I don't think he'd really want that in a relationship. But these pictures on his phone - no, I don't think she sent them to him. They're ones she has on her Facebook profile, I've seen them myself, but she's kind of lying on the floor (drunk) with her legs up, dress all hitched up and her knickers on show...I know that sounds ridiculous, but why on earth would he take them off the internet and put them on his phone if not to get off on them in some way?
I do hate myself for looking at his phone and Helen, you're right to question whether I'd feel the need to do it again I don't think he would ever actually cheat on me, but I hate the fact he's getting messages from her like that - and the fact I couldn't find any messages back to her could just mean he deleted them.
I'm really not sure whether to tell him or not. I'm presuming she hasn't said anything to him yet as he'd probably ask me about it if she had. I guess I just have to wait now - his mum is still really unwell - and hopefully in time I'll be able to sort out my head about what to do I really want to take it all out on her, go and see her and ask her how the hell sending him texts like that is "backing off" from him, but I know it won't do any good ultimately.
I really dont know what to suggest, but i think you deffinatley need to sit down and talk to him about what you've seen, i would demand an explination. You've been together a long time so you have a lot of talking to do. And what a cow for texting him when he has a girlfriend! :mad:
But dont through away 5 years over something you dont actually know is going on..find out the facts first. Yeah it is a bit werid he has downloaded the images but how do u not kno she sent them of her phone to his??...she may have taken them on her phone.
hope it all works out for you