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What would you do if...

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
- You'd been with your boyfriend nearly five years on and off and lived with him for a year in a rented flat
- He was friends with a girl you'd always been paranoid about, who you know has fancied him in the past and vice versa and who you'd had rows about in the past because of him meeting up with her secretly - his justification being he knew you would get angry if he met up with her
- You'd done an awful thing and looked at his pictures on his phone and seen ones of her which you know she had on her Facebook profile, which he's obviously downloaded onto his phone for whatever reason
- You decided not to confront him about this as you couldn't bear admitting to having looked at his pictures
- You couldn't stop thinking about it and became so paranoid you ended up checking his messages and found one from her saying she was dying to f*ck him but nothing from him to her
- You flew into a rage on finding this message and decided to end the relationship so sent her an angry message telling her to stay the f*ck away from your boyfriend, to which she responded saying she had backed off long ago, that they wouldn't be friends if that's what you wanted and that he loved you blah blah...you didn't tell her what you'd found on his phone and just told her to leave you alone
- You were on holiday with married friends at the time of finding this message so had to hold it together so as not to ruin the holiday, incidentally you and your boyfriend also have a business together with these friends. You decided to tell him about seeing the pictures and messages once you got home even if it meant the end of the relationship
- However by the time you got home your boyfriend was ill and you'd
calmed down and started to think perhaps you overreacted and that there was an explanation for all this so didn't tell him
- You realised you still had to tell him as this other girl would be bound to tell him herself at some point
- His mum then gets taken to hospital and is quite seriously ill so you still can't tell him
- You are torn in two between thinking there's no future for this relationship due to the lack of trust and the stuff on his phone but at the same time can't bear to think about ending things when you love him and so much else about the relationship is good and you can't imagine life without him :crying:

Sorry, this is long and confusing and I've probably not explained half of what's involved but I have no clue what I'm going to do...

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ...anyone? :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    aw i really feel for you :( i only havent replied because im not sure what i'd do in this situation either! im sorry im no help.

    i think what i'd do is let it die down for a while especially if his mum is ill etc.then i think id tell your boyfriend about what you found on his phone, i know it means admitting you've looked on it but obviously you had a sneaky feeling about something and you were right. if my boyfriend looked at my phone behind my back id be a bit hurt that he felt he had to but ultimately wouldnt be too bothered cos i know there'd be absolutely nothing to hide on there, whereas your boyf did.

    are the pictures you found off her facebook possibly pictures that shes sent him? i reckon the fact that you didnt find anything that he'd sent back to her message is a good thing, maybe shes just really into him and cant let go? what a cow though, it is not okay to send that to somebody elses boyfriend :mad:

    hope you are okay. x
  • **helen****helen** Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Supreme Poster
    Hey StupidGirl,

    It sounds like you've been on a bit of a rollercoast ride of emotions, with getting angry, then having to suppress your feelings and questioning the relationship - I hope you're OK.

    This part of your post really struck me:
    You are torn in two between thinking there's no future for this relationship due to the lack of trust and the stuff on his phone

    Do you think the stuff on the phone is reason to split? Afterall it does sound like this girl was doing the chasing and chances are he was flattered - but the fact that even she says he loves you is a sign that he wasn't fully engaging with her at all and that he is ultimately loyal to you.

    However, that word 'trust' is really important and perhaps this whole episode it symptomatic of other worries or concerns about your future together?

    I guess what I'm saying is sometimes it's easy to get bogged down in the small detail for fear of seeing the bigger picture...

    So, perhaps you could have a think about why you felt the need to check his phone and whether that's something you feel you'll always end up doing? And also, more generally, try to be honest with yourself about what you really love about this guy and whether for all the hurt it will cause in the shortterm - in the longterm, is this really right for you?

    Hope this helps a little and let us know how you're feeling since you posted.

    *hugs*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It reads to me like you're getting paranoid. You've decided to chuck your boyfriend of five years because a friend of his is sending inappropriate emails. Unless you have evidence of other things, like huge secrecy from your bf, then I think you have overreacted.

    However if you can't trust your bf, for whatever reason, you really need to be honest and work out whether he's for you.
  • littlemissylittlemissy Posts: 9,972 Supreme Poster
    Do you actually have any evidence of any wrongdoing by him? From what I can gather, it is her throwing herself at him and him not reciprocating. If that is the case, then yes, I agree with kermit in that you are being rather paranoid.

    Have you ever spoken to him about how he feels about this girl? Or is it you putting 2 and 2 together and making 5?

    Trust is an important thing in a relationship, though.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks for your replies guys. I have spoken to him in the past about her, he admits he fancied her in the past and that they had the kind of thing where they could never get together because one was single when the other wasn't and vice versa, so I know the attraction is mutual. Then there was the issue of them meeting up together behind my back - this happened a few times, once he got her over to our flat while I was away working and they stayed up until 5am drinking, I didn't know she'd even been round until he mentioned he'd been up til that time and I asked who he'd been drinking with - only then did he say it was with her. I None of this has really helped me feel less paranoid about his relationship with her. Believe it or not, I have absolutely no issue with him having female friends - honestly. I just don't like him sneaking about behind my back to see them - if there's nothing to hide, why do that?

    To be honest I do think he generally only likes her in a thinks she's fit/has a flirt with her kind of way and I'm not stupid enough to think that people don't have friends like that, I do as well if I'm honest (although I'd never send them texts like that or meet up with them behind my boyfriend's back). She rings him quite often for ages about various dramas in her life and he gets quite fed up with it, or says he does - I don't think he'd really want that in a relationship. But these pictures on his phone - no, I don't think she sent them to him. They're ones she has on her Facebook profile, I've seen them myself, but she's kind of lying on the floor (drunk) with her legs up, dress all hitched up and her knickers on show...I know that sounds ridiculous, but why on earth would he take them off the internet and put them on his phone if not to get off on them in some way?

    I do hate myself for looking at his phone and Helen, you're right to question whether I'd feel the need to do it again :( I don't think he would ever actually cheat on me, but I hate the fact he's getting messages from her like that - and the fact I couldn't find any messages back to her could just mean he deleted them.

    I'm really not sure whether to tell him or not. I'm presuming she hasn't said anything to him yet as he'd probably ask me about it if she had. I guess I just have to wait now - his mum is still really unwell - and hopefully in time I'll be able to sort out my head about what to do :( I really want to take it all out on her, go and see her and ask her how the hell sending him texts like that is "backing off" from him, but I know it won't do any good ultimately.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i think when there is a suitable time you really should talk to him about all of this. even though she hasn't said anything yet i think it's quite likely she will do in the future. and apart from that, all of this is obviously worrying you and i dont think that feeling's going to change unless you tell him how you're feeling and give him a chance to explain. if you don't, i think you're always going to be wondering about everything.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I would scream and cry :yuck:

    I really dont know what to suggest, but i think you deffinatley need to sit down and talk to him about what you've seen, i would demand an explination. You've been together a long time so you have a lot of talking to do. And what a cow for texting him when he has a girlfriend! :mad:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    maybe you should tell him sooner rather than later because the longer u leave it the harder it will be..i understand his mum is ill but i still think you should tell him...because you clearly are not happy and he doesnt kno you are unhappy unless u tell him...if he loves you as much as you say and u love him as much as you say then he will forgive you for looking at the pictures.

    But dont through away 5 years over something you dont actually know is going on..find out the facts first. Yeah it is a bit werid he has downloaded the images but how do u not kno she sent them of her phone to his??...she may have taken them on her phone.

    hope it all works out for you
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