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Is This Cheating?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi all,

I recently discovered that my partner has been having an online "thing" with someone else.

My partner and I have been together for fifteen months, and living together for nine of them. Our relationship hasn't always been smooth sailing - we've been through some very difficult patches, especially of late - but despite this, we've remained together and I do genuinely believe he loves me, as I do him.

However, this recent discovery has made me doubt everything. The girl he's been involving himself with lives thousands of miles away, so the likelihood of them meeting in person is obviously very slim, but I still feel this massive sense of betrayal. He has always referred to her as his "pen pal", which was never a problem for me - we're all entitled to have friends, and I even spoke to her once on the phone - but since discovering that their relationship has always had a more sinister side (they've been sharing their lives, dreams, sexual fantasies (always about each other) and problems with each other for three years), I don't know if I can trust him anymore.

I confronted him about this the moment I found out. He maintains that the relationship has meant nothing to him, and in fact the only reason he was so involved with her was to "keep her happy", but as far as I'm concerned he's been lying and cheating throughout our entire relationship.

He denied my existence to her on many occasions. It was only recently that he told her he was involved with someone, but that it "wasn't serious" and that we "weren't going to stay together once our tenancy runs out in September".

I just don't know what to think. He can barely even comprehend that he's done anything wrong, and has begged me for a second chance.

The select friends and family that I've told about this have said they'd have left him by now. They don't think he's a good influence on me, and feel that if their partner had done something like this they'd be long gone.

Would you consider this to be cheating? Would you cut your losses and steer clear of him for the risk of him doing this again - or worse, carrying out something physical with someone else, as he's obviously capable of betraying me - or would you forgive and forget and hope you could move on?

I really need the advice. I feel so lost and so hurt.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I would certainly cut my losses and run, knowing what I know now from my past experiences. Good luck.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    it is best to cut and run. It is a difficult thing to do but if he has done it once, then there is a good chance of him doing it again.
    I am speaking from experience as a person who is having an "online" thing but not too the same extent. Though I have never denied the existence of my partner and never discussed anything of a sexual nature.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    number95 wrote: »
    I have never denied the existence of my partner and never discussed anything of a sexual nature.

    Precisely my point! I'm so disgusted with him. How can you say you love someone, yet have this sort of relationship with someone else without even informing them that you're LIVING with your girlfriend? It's not like I'm his room mate. I'm a part of his family now, as he is of mine.

    I don't even recognise him as the man I fell in love with. The man I fell in love with would never be so disloyal. I don't understand how he could do this to me. ARGH!

    So angry.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sorry this has happened to you. If you still feel something for him then it might be worth another try, but it sounds like his feelings have been elsewhere.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sorry this has happened to you. If you still feel something for him then it might be worth another try, but it sounds like his feelings have been elsewhere.

    Thank you.

    You're absolutely right, and that's what hurts the most. It's nothing to do with jealousy - frankly I couldn't give a damn who this relationship was with, or where they live - it's the fact that it could happen in the first place; the fact that he could do this at all. He's obviously been spending his time and attention on someone else and "keeping them happy", when surely it should be me he wants to please?

    If he really loved me, and really wanted to be with me, he'd have had more respect than to do this in the first place, right?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Bohemian wrote: »
    If he really loved me, and really wanted to be with me, he'd have had more respect than to do this in the first place, right?
    I think so, yes. It doesn't really matter where she is, it's the fact he has an emotional connection with her that is important. From my experience trust and communication are the most important foundations of a relationship.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You've got to ask yourself what kind of partner says that you "weren't going to stay together once our tenancy runs out in September".

    Is that the kind of partner you want? You deserve better.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ShyBoy wrote: »
    You've got to ask yourself what kind of partner says that you "weren't going to stay together once our tenancy runs out in September".

    Is that the kind of partner you want? You deserve better.

    :yes:

    From everything I have ever read, sexually deceitful people rarely change. I know its probably not what you want to hear but if you stay with him, he will break your heart later. The rest of your life is a long time to spend with someone that cannot be trusted.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you all for your responses.

    You know what? I think I know, deep down, that I cannot stay with him, and it's for all the very reasons that you've each individually quoted. Yet for some reason, I've still been seeking reassurance from others that splitting up with him is the best way forward for me. When you've been with someone for a while it's obviously going to be difficult breaking away from them, and when there are strong feelings involved it only becomes harder.

    I guess I'm just scared. I'm so close to all of his family and I dread losing those relationships as well as my relationship with him. I know I can still be involved in their lives but it would only complicate things initially. It just seems such a waste of what could have been a nice future. Thing is, the way he has treated me sometimes over the past year is far from what I feel I deserve. He's not been the best boyfriend (though there are obviously reasons why I've been with him for this length of time... he's not been all bad), but maybe ending this relationship will open bigger and better doors for me?

    How do you do this though? He knows I'm not happy about the situation and I've tried telling him many times over the past couple of weeks that I don't think we can be together, but he always gets on the defensive and turns it around on me, like this is all my fault. He's stuck by me throughout some very difficult family issues over the past year and feels that I "owe him" because of this.

    But surely relationships are more give and take than that? He seems to think I've just been taking from him and neglects to remember the support I've given him throughout some tough patches in his life. How do you break free from someone who is so manipulative and has a certain degree of control over you?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It seems you've almost made up your mind about this, so I just want to give you something slightly different to consider. My girlfriend and I had some issues that we couldn't resolve for one reason or another (probably both of us being too comfortable and lazy) and so we split up. After a couple of months we realised we still loved each other, and being apart had made us focus on what was important and how to treat each other again. We're now back together and it's quite different to before.

    What I'm trying to illustrate is just because a relationship seems to have become sour, doesn't mean it's not fixable. Only you will know what's best for you, but a break might make both of you reassess the situation. It also depends whether people can change, as Teagan mentioned.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My girlfriend and I had some issues that we couldn't resolve for one reason or another (probably both of us being too comfortable and lazy) and so we split up. After a couple of months we realised we still loved each other, and being apart had made us focus on what was important and how to treat each other again. We're now back together and it's quite different to before.

    What I'm trying to illustrate is just because a relationship seems to have become sour, doesn't mean it's not fixable. Only you will know what's best for you, but a break might make both of you reassess the situation. It also depends whether people can change, as Teagan mentioned.

    You're right, and I'm currently staying at my mum's just to get a few days away from him to assess the situation. But he and I are living together, so having a "proper" break is going to prove difficult. I have suggested this to him and we both feel that in order for a break to work properly, we'd need our own space. Staying in the same bed and sharing our flat is probably not going to prove beneficial. :chin:

    To be honest with you, so much trust has gone now that I wonder whether we would ever be able to get back to where we used to be. I appreciate that we may miss each other and who's not to say that things may change in the future and we decide to make another go of things, but I think for the time being... we have to end this. I'm just not looking forward to the emotional abuse I'm going to get from him when I put my foot down. He can be quite verbally aggressive. My confidence has reached rock-bottom since I met him.

    Not exactly a good grounding for a relationship, eh? God, it makes me feel so stupid.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It seems you've almost made up your mind about this, so I just want to give you something slightly different to consider. My girlfriend and I had some issues that we couldn't resolve for one reason or another (probably both of us being too comfortable and lazy) and so we split up. After a couple of months we realised we still loved each other, and being apart had made us focus on what was important and how to treat each other again. We're now back together and it's quite different to before.

    This is true but sexual transgressions are always more complicated than just general unappreciativeness, bickering etc. Of course, that sort of environment can lead to sexual unfaithfulness but I presume that you two never got that far.
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