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Giving back stuff

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hello all.

Finally arranged a date, Wednesday, to do a swapping back of stuff with my ex.

Just wondering if anybody had any tips seeing as I've not done this before and I know that the way I want to go about this in my head probably isn't the right way.

Knowing me and the way I tend to react to people who've vexed me somewhat, I'll probably give him several pieces of my mind and tell him exactly what I suggest he goes and does.

I do bitter, petty, vindictive, bitchy and pissed off quite well. Not because I want to, just because people have a habit of pushing me past the point of no return (a good tip for potential friends of mine is to not slag off myself and my mother on your blog, it won't end well for you.)

Going to the hairdressers on Monday and I think I might give my new clothes an airing, just to prove a point.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Just dont let it get to you. Meet up, swap stuff, say goodbye, and thats it. Getting pissed off and telling him where to go isn't gonna help anyone and will probably make things worse.

    I'm assuming that all relationships issues have now been solved and done with so there's no point in bringing them up again. The quicker you swap stuff, the quicker you can get on with your lives.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    step 1: put stuff in bin bag
    step2: put bin bag by door
    step 3: wait for ex boyfriend to call
    step 4: open door
    step 5: give him bin bag
    step 6: close door
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    step 1: put stuff in bin bag
    step2: put bin bag by door
    step 3: wait for ex boyfriend to call
    step 4: open door
    step 5: give him bin bag
    step 6: close door

    Very funny...

    I know what he's like, he's going to come out with his usual 'I hope you find happiness and do this and that and blah blah blah' which generally has the effect of making me want to tear him limb from limb. Being all nice and friendly after everything he's put me through? He can go to hell if he thinks I'm going to say anything like that to him.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I wasn't being sarcastic!

    A friend of mine did it to his ex when she came back at him ready to do all the guilt tripping, she just left his stuff on the doorstep and scuttled off.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    We're meeting 'somewhere neutral'. He didn't respond to my suggestion of hell, wonder why....

    He would be very ill-advised to turn up at my house.

    On a separate note which probably needs it's own thread, despite my mental health issues, I swear I'm the most sane out of all my friends. Some of the stuff they've been doing really has left me wondering who exactly they are...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Very funny...

    I didn't find that funny. That's how I would deal with it.

    Don't try too hard with the hairdresser/new clothes thing. Pack his shit together, expect him to pack your shit together, exchange and the whole thing is done in a matter of seconds.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Being all nice and friendly after everything he's put me through? He can go to hell if he thinks I'm going to say anything like that to him.

    You don't have to be all nice and friendly but don't give him the satisfaction of knowing that he's wound you up so much you wanna kill him. Just give him his stuff and leave.
  • JsTJsT Posts: 18,268 Skive's The Limit
    Lexi99 wrote: »
    You don't have to be all nice and friendly but don't give him the satisfaction of knowing that he's wound you up so much you wanna kill him. Just give him his stuff and leave.
    Yep. Either that or burn it. Simples :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    This might sound harsh, so apologies if so...

    But why are you so determined to give him every last scrap of your dignity? Why are you so determined to let him see how much he has devastated you, how he has ruined your life and brought you nothing but misery?

    If I remember rightly, you said somewhere that he is a user of this forum, so every time you make a post like this, you know he is reading it (or potentially is). And you keep talking about how much you want to scream at him, let him know how he has made your life hell and caused you so much upset.

    Now obviously I don't know the ins and outs of your break up, and maybe he behaved like a total prick and treated you like shit. Or maybe he didn't, he just stopped loving you, which happens sometimes, eh. Either way, the point is, YOU are now the one who is giving him so much control over you, who is letting him see that you're a broken woman who can't go on after all he's done to you. Why are you doing this? It won't win him back, as it's so needy and undignified. And if he's such a cunt that he doesn't care what he's done to you, then it's not going to affect him. You can't make him sorry he's hurt you, and you can't make him regret breaking up with you.

    But what you can do is try to restore your dignity and self-respect. And you do this by being calm, composed and in control of yourself and your emotions whenever you have to see him. If you rant and scream and cry when he's not around, then fine. But SnuggleBubbles has given you the perfect advice for what to do on Wednesday. Smile, say hello, pass him the bag and close the door. Conduct yourself with quiet dignity and self-respect, and don't let him have this power over you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    why do you even need to meet him? can't you get a friend to give him his stuff back from you and vice versa? would probably save a lot of heart ache.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Kat_B wrote: »
    why do you even need to meet him? can't you get a friend to give him his stuff back from you and vice versa? would probably save a lot of heart ache.

    Because some things are a little vague as to what belongs to who ie gig tickets and I need to be there to see who is having which ones and who needs to give the other person money.

    To the rest of you, Christ, I wish I'd never bloody well said anything on here. So what if he reads it? He knows exactly how I am so regardless of whether he read this or not he'd know how I'd react. I'm going to make myself look nice because I'd like to and because it'll make me feel better. You think I'm trying to get back with him? I don't ever wish to see him again.

    Talking to me about dignity? I'd say I was taking this pretty damn well, all things considered. I've done my exams and gone back to work and I'm getting on with my life as it was before I met him. I've not gone around getting drunk beyond belief, getting into fights, getting off with or sleeping with complete randoms, unlike most people I know (NOT just him.) The only time I lost any dignity in all this was when I was bawling my eyes out at Norwich station the last time I saw him, believing what he'd just said to me was true.

    Now, I am going to deal with this MY way, which will involve me looking nice and dealing with him as if he were a difficult customer at work. Then, I will continue my life and commit this stupid little story to paper for my creative writing course (avoiding getting sued of course) and I'll have the last laugh.

    Right. Rant over.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You DID ask for tips in the original post ... I think that's just what people were offering ...

    But of course, it's totally up to you how you play it, and either way I think we all wish you the best of luck with getting it done and moving on :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I said it would sound harsh. I am sorry about that.

    It's just that I've been in a similar situation, and I really benefited from a friend giving me a metaphorical slap around the face and telling me to pull myself together as I was giving him the power to make me feel terrible about myself.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I recently broke up with my bf of 5 Months and I just called him and arranged a time for me to collect my stuff (it was at his place, nothing here of his) the same evening. I took my Sister with me and when I got there he had almost everything on the counter ready for me.....what a sweet guy! Offered me boxes to load up which I did and that was that. He then e mails me a few days later telling me stuff I left behind, at that point I decided what was left wasn't anything important that I needed to have and told him that there wasn't anything left there that I couldn't live without. Since then he continues to contact me and wants to know if we can still be friends....hummm... do friendships work of your past relationships? or am I better just to cut the cord now? Not sure what to do at this point. I really do still care about him but he's the one who screwed up and forced my decision to end the relationship. :confused:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    jamelia wrote: »
    I said it would sound harsh. I am sorry about that.

    It's just that I've been in a similar situation, and I really benefited from a friend giving me a metaphorical slap around the face and telling me to pull myself together as I was giving him the power to make me feel terrible about myself.

    :yes: Got to say, I think your original post was spot-on Jamelia. Made a lot of sense, and I don't think it was particularly harsh at all. I also thought SnuggleBubbles had the right idea. Personally, I wouldn't bother doing a swap at all. I'd get him to leave my stuff outside my door and I'd leave his outside his door.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    StupidGirl wrote: »
    :yes: Got to say, I think your original post was spot-on Jamelia. Made a lot of sense, and I don't think it was particularly harsh at all. I also thought SnuggleBubbles had the right idea. Personally, I wouldn't bother doing a swap at all. I'd get him to leave my stuff outside my door and I'd leave his outside his door.

    i agreee, i thought that post was ace, i was keeping it in mind for post of the week :D
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm going out with my friends after I meet him, so am I not allowed to get dressed up for that?

    I came here looking for help and support, not a kicking from people who seem to think they know me, my life, my feelings and circumstances better than I do. If you lot want to kick someone else when they're down, then good for you.

    You may think that I'm throwing back your advice because I've not heard what I want to hear, but frankly I did not expect to get a slating. Do I care if he's laughing? Not really, I saw the guy that introduced us earlier and he gave me the evils and I carried on walking. What a lot of you are doing here is akin to bullying. I have explained that I want to look nice for numerous reasons including self-confidence and because I am going out with friends afterwards. I have explained why I need to meet him, because I want to make sure I either get my money back or my gig tickets and if you really must know why I am not sending a friend or exchanging stuff on either of our doorsteps, here's why:

    - Many of my friends have moved away or have jobs.
    - Those that haven't aren't exactly stable either, having just been dumped by their boyfriends or are dealing with their parents separating.
    - I do not think it is a good idea for him to collect his things from my house as I do not trust other members of my family not to cause trouble.
    - I do not want to leave his stuff on his doorstep as I would not like my belongings to be treated in this manner.

    Now, this isn't P&D, so if you've not got anything nice or constructive to say (that means without the name calling and making personal remarks about someone most of you have never met) I suggest you don't say anything at all.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm going out with my friends after I meet him, so am I not allowed to get dressed up for that?

    I came here looking for help and support, not a kicking from people who seem to think they know me, my life, my feelings and circumstances better than I do. If you lot want to kick someone else when they're down, then good for you.

    whoa calm down. Nobody is kicking you here. You didn't mention that you were going out with friends afterwards (at least I hope I didn't jump over it). I believe more in what you said yourself, you are trying "to make a point", whatever point that would be.


    People are giving you insight on their opinions and I have to say, even tho I held back, I agree with the latest sentiments. You are pretty emo over it all and I think you will look back on those times months to come and feel alienated about it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Don't be daft, no one's bullying you, and no one's called you names. I consider what I said to you to be constructive advice. I'm not slating you, I'm not having a go at you, so don't go looking for that. Slow down, and re-read what I said, and have a think about it.

    I said all that because I've been in that position, I've been in your exact situation. I felt heartbroken and torn apart and battered and bruised by this arsehole who treated me like shit, and I wanted him to know how much he had hurt me. Partly because I was so fucking angry, and partly because I continued to harbour hopes he might care about me even a little tiny bit, and that if I could only make him see how much he'd hurt me, he'd feel sorry, and regret what he'd done.

    All that happened was that I humiliated myself and lost my dignity and self-esteem and felt like shit about myself for a very long time. Now while he didn't treat me fairly and was a dick to me in all sorts of ways, I have to hold my hands up and accept responsibility for allowing him to do it, and for throwing away my dignity so easily every time he did it by crying and screaming and losing control. He saw how much he'd got to me, alright. And he thought I was clingy, overly emotional, and needy. And was thus even more certain than ever that he was well rid of me.

    So I'm speaking from experience - I'm not patronising you, I'm empathising. I didn't start to feel better until I realised that while I couldn't control how he treated me or how he felt toward me, I could control how I responded to it. Part of the reason I was so angry at him was because I felt he'd robbed me of my dignity. But the first step to getting better was realising that to a certain extent, I'd done that to myself. And once I realised that and calmed down, I felt better and realised he wasn't worth one of my tears. I still cried - I just didn't let him see me do it.

    Sometimes advice is hard to hear though, and I am sorry if it sounded brutal.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sorry about my last post, it was mainly directed at a post by another user which has since been removed because some of the content of it was uncalled for. I do understand where you were coming from but some of the things such as actually seeing him and making myself look nice were things that I felt I needed to do, and not everybody agreed with that.

    Swapped back things last night and talked for about an hour. As predicted, he had forgotten some of my things so I have told him my rota so he can drop in with the things on his way home from work if he likes or he can drop them off at my house, I don't mind either way as it's only a couple of small items, that aren't worth much, but have sentimental value. Things started off a little tense, I said my piece to him and then we managed to have a laugh. When he left we hugged, wished each other well and said we'd probably see each other about in town.

    It was a pretty upsetting experience but it went better than we both thought it would and I had nice evening down the pub with some friends.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thats good, sounds like a good end to everything and all nicely wrapped up with no extra baggage lying around :) Glad it went well.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    why give Him the satisfaction of knowing that you still hurt, play it cool, look good, be polite and when His back is turned stick two fingers up at the T***** with as big grin on your face.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Er, we gave stuff back last week...
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