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Freinds after a relationship?
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Does this work?
I just broke up with my bf of 5 1/2 Months :impissed: We had so much in common and got along really well in all areas. We met on an internet dating site and after a disagreement he chose to "just look" on the dating site again. Once I found this out I ended the relationship with him as I don't feel I can ever trust him completely again. He said he was just confused and curious about other women and didn't contact any until I ended the relationship with him. A week after the relationship ended he e mailed me asking if we can still be freinds, I told him that would be Ok. He called a few nights ago and left me a messege to ask how I was doing. I finally decided that I really wanted to talk to him so I called him back this evening. We actually didn't discuss the relationship issues at all (I had already e mailed him telling him I don't want to argue and that we just need to move on) although he did ask me if I was dating again. I told him no, for now I prefer to just stay on my own for awhile. I feel that I need some time to recover from the emotional experience as I really do care about him still (I didn't tell him this!) He asked if we could get together and play games again (Poker, Sorry, and various card games that we enjoyed playing together) I told him I wasn't ready for that right now but I would think about it. Is it best to just end it and not see him again or does freindship after a relationship work? Although I still have deep feelings for him I don't think there is any chance of us getting back together, it's just not going to work for me. I am not sure what to do? :banghead:
I just broke up with my bf of 5 1/2 Months :impissed: We had so much in common and got along really well in all areas. We met on an internet dating site and after a disagreement he chose to "just look" on the dating site again. Once I found this out I ended the relationship with him as I don't feel I can ever trust him completely again. He said he was just confused and curious about other women and didn't contact any until I ended the relationship with him. A week after the relationship ended he e mailed me asking if we can still be freinds, I told him that would be Ok. He called a few nights ago and left me a messege to ask how I was doing. I finally decided that I really wanted to talk to him so I called him back this evening. We actually didn't discuss the relationship issues at all (I had already e mailed him telling him I don't want to argue and that we just need to move on) although he did ask me if I was dating again. I told him no, for now I prefer to just stay on my own for awhile. I feel that I need some time to recover from the emotional experience as I really do care about him still (I didn't tell him this!) He asked if we could get together and play games again (Poker, Sorry, and various card games that we enjoyed playing together) I told him I wasn't ready for that right now but I would think about it. Is it best to just end it and not see him again or does freindship after a relationship work? Although I still have deep feelings for him I don't think there is any chance of us getting back together, it's just not going to work for me. I am not sure what to do? :banghead:
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it just doesnt work imo.
I'd imagine you're not the first to feel this way. It's hard to completely let go of someone that you have been so close to and wanting to stay friends is quite natural, especially if you've so far managed to stay on good terms. The worry is that your feelings for him are still very strong and you say yourself 'it's just not going to work for me'.
Giving yourself some time to get over this is probabaly a good idea. You need to both be in a place where it doesn't bother you if either of you start seeing someone new, that's the real test in a way? Quite often exes can remain friends until this happens.
It can also be an issue if you were to get in to a new relationship, not everyone finds it easy to cope with a partner being friends with their ex. However that's not to say that in some cases it's not always a problem.
Perhaps while you still have these feelings it's worth keeping a bit of distance. Once your relationships is truly a thing of the past then there's nothing to stop you giving the friendship a chance. Hopefully he'll understand you need a but more time before you can hang out again, you're more than entitled to that.
Look after yourself
Thank you so much for your reply & the links.
I have had very few serious relationships so dealing with it is a bit draining but I will recover and I am not regretting having what we had together. He was here at a time in my life when I needed him the most. He was one I could talk to about anything (and probably still can) and he listened and gave his opinions freely. There are things I have talked to him about that I haven't shared with my closest friends or relatives. The returning to the dating site was only part of why I chose to end the relationship, the other being that I am 45 years old and really want to find someone to settle down with, possibly but not neccesarily marriage, I am just sick of being alone. He is the same age but likes to be on his own (ie living alone) and I just don't see the point in wasting time on something that more than likely isn't going to happen at least not with him. I did tell him both of these reasons when I broke up with him.
I do trust him enough that if I did go over to his place to play games he would respect my wishes and we wouldn't end up back in bed, maybe I trust him more than I trust myself at the moment as far as that goes. So far for now I am not ready to do that and when I told him I wasn't ready to see him he seemed to understand.
As far as ex's dealing with new partners, he has dealt with that, I have not. He is still freinds with his last ex and I wasn't bothered by it at all, of course it helps that she lives across the country, is married and just had a baby
We wouldn't be pretending the whole thing didn't happen at all. It did happen and we both had a great time, we communicated so well. I think we can work through this and go beyond the relationship and still care for eachthother but only as friends (which means nothing sexual)
But thanks for your opinion anyway!
I've tried doing it myself with my last relationship, which leasted roughly 18 months, but of course you can't switch off love by turning a tap. Whiel I still had feelings for her, it was never going to happen. I knew instinctively that the chances of me and her being an item again were very slim, whihc would only make the inital breaking up even more difficult to deal with. with that in mind, I felt it was time for me to move on.
I think it depends on things like how long you were going out, what went wrong in the relationship, and other things like that really. Only you can judge whether or not you want to stay friends, or even if it's the right thing to do.
Another thing that gets me is that staying friend can make it harder to move on. You're trying to build a new life, make a brand new start, but when you're constantly reminded of the past, perhaps it isn't quite so easy to do.
Perhaps after a while there is a time when you can look at the past romance more objectively in a way, when the feelings aren't anywhere near as strong as they were, and when you've learnt to cope without them, maybe it will work.
Friendship after a relationship wont work if there is still feelings there for him, you need to tell him how you feel and talk to him. However if there isnt any trust then the relationship wont work. You's really need to talk and sort it out. However if you just have feelings for him as a friend like you care about him and just want to see him happy then of course you can be friends after a relationship; just make it clear to him that when you say "yes, we can be friends" then thats what you mean. Anyways good luck