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Honest advice please! (male advice especially welcome!)
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi, I'm new to this forum - nice to meet you all!
I have a bit of a sex issue with my relationship, and I can't really talk to anyone about it so thought I would try you guys
My fiance and I have been together about 3 and a half years, I am 27 and he is 33. The relationship itself is great-we have so much in common and a very happy and comfortable relationship.
Sexually though, things aren't so great - basically we don't have sex very often - once a month if that, probably more like once every 6 weeks. The choice is his; he says he doesn't have a very high sex drive and has always had a low interest in sex. (it's been an issue with his past relationships too)
We have talked about it before, but he gets really uncomfortable. I'm aware that if I push the issue too much he will be under even more pressure and it will make the whole issue bigger and make it even harder to have sex... he always says he knows we need to have sex more and it will get better etc... One of the problems is, when we do have sex it can seem a bit forced and we are both under alot of pressure, and the last couple of times he hasn't managed to climax. I didn't make an issue out of it, I just said you don't always have to climax! On the odd occasion we have watched porn and he was able to cum alot easier... but I don't want to substitute porn all the time - it's a sure way to get paranoid if I think he needs other women to come. I don't mind it as part of a healthy sex life, but I don't want that to be the only way...
Now, as much as I believe him and his reasons for the lack of sex, as time goes on I can't help getting a little paranoid - am I doing something wrong or could I be doing something better? I don't want to become paranoid and start thinking there is something wrong with me - for examply I have a pretty small chest size, and I am starting to think things like 'well, maybe if I had big boobs he would want to have sex more'... you know, that kind of stuff.
I know I'm waffling, sorry! basically - if I could turn off my sexual needs I would, I just want him to be happy. I don't mind *cough* 'sorting myself out', but sometimes I worry that a life of masturbation and a sexless marriage is in my future :nervous:
Does any man feel the same as him? Is there anything I can try to do to make things easier? Should I be worried?
I hope someone has some advice, I'm kind of frustrated :banghead: sorry for the essay!
I have a bit of a sex issue with my relationship, and I can't really talk to anyone about it so thought I would try you guys
My fiance and I have been together about 3 and a half years, I am 27 and he is 33. The relationship itself is great-we have so much in common and a very happy and comfortable relationship.
Sexually though, things aren't so great - basically we don't have sex very often - once a month if that, probably more like once every 6 weeks. The choice is his; he says he doesn't have a very high sex drive and has always had a low interest in sex. (it's been an issue with his past relationships too)
We have talked about it before, but he gets really uncomfortable. I'm aware that if I push the issue too much he will be under even more pressure and it will make the whole issue bigger and make it even harder to have sex... he always says he knows we need to have sex more and it will get better etc... One of the problems is, when we do have sex it can seem a bit forced and we are both under alot of pressure, and the last couple of times he hasn't managed to climax. I didn't make an issue out of it, I just said you don't always have to climax! On the odd occasion we have watched porn and he was able to cum alot easier... but I don't want to substitute porn all the time - it's a sure way to get paranoid if I think he needs other women to come. I don't mind it as part of a healthy sex life, but I don't want that to be the only way...
Now, as much as I believe him and his reasons for the lack of sex, as time goes on I can't help getting a little paranoid - am I doing something wrong or could I be doing something better? I don't want to become paranoid and start thinking there is something wrong with me - for examply I have a pretty small chest size, and I am starting to think things like 'well, maybe if I had big boobs he would want to have sex more'... you know, that kind of stuff.
I know I'm waffling, sorry! basically - if I could turn off my sexual needs I would, I just want him to be happy. I don't mind *cough* 'sorting myself out', but sometimes I worry that a life of masturbation and a sexless marriage is in my future :nervous:
Does any man feel the same as him? Is there anything I can try to do to make things easier? Should I be worried?
I hope someone has some advice, I'm kind of frustrated :banghead: sorry for the essay!
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I am happy - really happy, other than this 1 thing... I know it's a snsitive subject so I don't know what to do! My ex was the extreme opposite of him, a cheating sex/porn addict! so I know I am happy... and everything else is good - he is funny, considerate, generous, ... just does not have a big sex drive. I just wonder if there's anything I can do to encourage him?
I don't know!
He should love you for who you are? Do you love him? Does he love you?
As for the previous relationship it isnt good to live in the past you have to move on.
Why is he uncomfortable when you talk about sex...?
Maybe create a romantic atmosphere....candles, dinner, sexy underwear?
Sometimes people feel guilty about having sex,like its dirty or something so shy away from it.
What makes me think that is you said he becomes quite uncomfortable when you try to broach the subject of sex with him.
Maybe something in his past or childhood could have made him uncomfortable with having sex or even with his own sexuality.
Becks27 - thanks for all your replies - yes we are both in love, very much so! I have tried alot of the things you suggested, and he isn't unappreciative at all, just literally sex is not top of his agenda!
The leaf - I think you're right, he has 'issues' I think and I half wonder the full extent of them; he grew up as an only child with just his mum, he was pretty close to his grandad though. He has alot of unresolved issues involving his dad which his mum wont talk about - basically she got preganant very young and his dad left her alone (not sure of the circumstances) he isn't either. His mum has been on her own more or less ever since and there is alot of tension around the subject. Maybe that has something to do with it. I know when we have been to visit (he isn't from my country his family live abroad) any kind of sexual behaviour between us is out of the question - even when his mum is at work or something he just wont go there - so maybe you're right. She gets very depressed too, and obviously living alone together for so long this has affected him also... I have thought this before and tried to talk to him but it's obvioulsy something very deep.
Also, his long term ex cheated on him and eventually left him for the other guy and he was badly affected for a long time... I feel stupid for not mentioning that before I'm sure it probably feeds into the issue (though he has said that he has always been this was, just not got a high sex drive)
I guess I just need reassurance that if we are happy otherwise and and in love then you don't have to have sex every 2 minutes to make a relationship work! I'm so confused! You are bombarded all the time with things like 'men are only interested in one thing' and he's just not like that. He prefers to snuggle up and talk and stuff like that (all the things people normally complain they don't get enough of from men!) I wish I could just let it be and not create a fuss, but I guess being a woman you can't help getting paranoid and wondering if it's you sometimes!
Sorry I'm frustrated and you guys probably are too! I'm not asking any straighforward questions am I?! Maybe I just need to talk about it, I can't with anyone else!
Thanks again! x
Firstly well done on seeking some help about this. Its good that you are talking about how your feeling and its good to seek some help and advice when you need it.
It cant be easy on you, and if your last partner was the opposite to this partner, it is probably making it even harder to deal with. Yes, there are some men who maybe just dont like having sex, never have, never will.
It might be a good idea to bring it up when you's are both doing something naturally, such as watching TV or something and just bringing it up. You could just reassure him that you judge him and that you want to help him. Also, its a good idea to let him know that talking about his feelings and worries is good for both of you because it gives you both an idea of whats on each others mind. Just try and give him loads and loads of reassurance and keep telling him you understand and try and empathize - but at the same time try not to make a big deal out of it. The more laid back about it you are, the more likely he is to open up.
And remember - tell him you love him very much, no matter what happens!
I hope this helps {sorry if i was rambling} - let us know how you get on and what you decide to do.
Good luck
Yes, sex is important but it is not what makes a relationships....love makes a relationship.
I recently got married and know how you feel...you must not think it is you that is doing anything wrong.
It takes time for other relationships to heal ...he does love you as you would not be getting married?
When is the big day?
I can't really offer much advice, because I never faced such a situation and well, I could have sex all the time, so I can't really comprehend the issue, but I did notice that several girls have/had this problems and asked for advice. I never really followed the threads, but maybe you find food for thought with a little forum search.
Becks27 - Hopefully, next summer is the big day! Just a nice small ceremony in his hometown (he's from Norway) so very pretty!