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Little help please?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hey everyone,

hope youre all okay.

basically, ive recently been diagnosed with depression.
I'm stuck in a constant black mood and it feels like theres this dark cloud hanging over me and its slowly dragging me down.

I feel like i'm losing all of my friends.
My oldest friend has drifted away these past few months and has found a new best mate. We're still close, but its not the same.
My best friend goes to another school [i see her at a theatre club i go to at weekends] and she obviously has friends there. She says i'm her best friend, but im just finding it hard lately because we live quite far away from each other and she meets up with her other friends more. I'm really jealous of whoever she's around.
People orgainise parties / day trips behind my back and dont invite me, and when i find out, i get the whole ' you can come as well, i guess..' treatment. I don't know why theyre acting like this, but it hurts.

I also feel like i can do nothing right. I do a lot of drama / theatre work, but lately i've felt like i can't even do that right- something ive done for many many years and i love loads.
I feel like a disappointment and a failure to myself. My grades are still high, and i'm showing no signs of struggling, but i just feel like my best isnt good enough anymore.

theres a lot more, but i'll talk about that another time.

I find it really hard to talk about these sort of things.
i cant talk to my family- their really busy and stressed at the minute- i dont want to add ont any of their worries.
i cant talk to my friends- well, i don't want to put a downer on them, its not fair to offload it all onto them when they don't need to worry about me.

I've been reccommended councilling a few times a week by my GP, but i'm just nervous of people finding out and me being labelled as some sorta headcase by the less compassionate people i know. I also dont want people namby-pambying around me like 'oh, be nice to her, shes depressed..'.

These past few weeks i've started self harming, and now i do it almost every day. I've thought about suicide before quite a few times as well.
I just feel that all of my friends wouldn't have to deal with me or being in a triangle with me if i was out of the picture. I've never had the courage to actually do it though.

If people ask me, 'why are you like this', it just gets me upset, because i dont know. I cant pinpoint an exact cause- all those things up there are just fragments that upset me. theres no major cause or 'eureka!' moment that says 'yeah, thats how it started'.
I just don't feel like myself anymore. I don't feel like the happy, confident, carefree person i used to be. I feel like a shadow of my former self, and I want to get back to the old me, but i dont know how.

Please let me know if youve ever experienced any of this, and if you have, how did you get through it?

Thank You

x

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi

    Hi

    sorry to hear you are feeling like this, it is good that you have posted on here, i have just started to post on here and you get lots of support from people.

    when I was at school I became really depressed because of bullying and my friends started to drift away, I wasn't invited to anything and I had no social life. I started self harming at school and became suicidal. i managed to get through school and i am now at music college and although i am still really depressed, self harming and suicidal I have made 3 great friends who like me for who I am, plus I have told one of them about all that stuff and she has been really supportive. i dont talk to my family about it either, although school told my mum most stuff, but i dont talk to her about it my family have there own problems so i dont bother them.

    i can understand that you are afraid of being labelled, but try not too worry about it the people who really care about you will want to help you get through this. it is good that you have seen your doctor, i am going to go for the first time next week, i have at last decided to do something after 4 years, mainly because i met someone who had been through depression and she had got through it so i thought maybe i could too.

    i have been to counselling before mainly because i was forced my school, i hated it because i really hate talking about all of this stuff. but now i feel ready, i hope.

    try finding someone that you can talk too, i know that you can feel really guilty about talking to other people i feel awful about it even though my friend says i shouldn't. if the person isnt comfortable with you talking to them then they will say, but it can really help to off load some stuff and then they know why you dont always want to do stuff.

    just something i am trying to focus on is the fact that others have got through it so maybe i can too, and a conductor said to a band i was in you can't change the past just concentrate on enjoying the present and looking forward to the future, which i know feels impossible, it does for me but it is something worth remembering.

    i hope some of this helps. let us know how you are doing. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You'll be surprised how many people have experienced the same. it's good that you're talking about it on here.
    Have you tried writing all you emotions down and how you feel, what made you feel like it?
    Maybe try doing something different? something to change the daily routine. going for walks are great cos you get to think things through and exercise at the same time!!
    when you feel like self harming try to distract yourself. start by reducing it down to every other day. Watch a dvd or something funny to lighten your try lighten your mood. If you feel like things are taking its toll, then take time out, have you considered meditation? You dont have to do much just sit in a quiet space and concentrate on your breathing and think of nothing. it really works well even if you do it for just 10 mins! it also works if you cant sleep :)

    i hope this helps and you should know there's always someone about this place to listen to your problems :thumb:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi

    thankyou so much for replying, it feels good to know i'm not the only one whose going through this.
    A lot of what you've said i can relate to, especially about your friend saying that they didn't mind you telling them things but you still feel awful!

    I can talk to some of my friends about it- the girl i mentioned [my best friend] who goes to a different school] i can talk to really well, but she's got some issues to work through as well, so i feel guilty if i offload too much.

    I'm gonna start councilling the next week hopefully- i've got a friend whose seeing the same person and she says theyre okay, but i'm still not looking forward to it personally. I don't want to tell a total stranger about all the things eating away at me [i know thats what im doing know, but the circumstances are different :) ]

    could i ask you a question though?
    when you told people about your despression/self harming [by the way, i hope you feel better about this soon, i know its not a nice thing to feel the need to do] did you get people that thought you were doing it for attention / making it up ?
    I told someone before and although they were supporive at first, they seemed to think i wasnt really depressed and that it would be better in a day of two.
    And also, did you get anyone asking questions about your self harming? like, if you cut in a place that is visible, for example your wrists. I cut on my wrists for a while but moved to my stomach when people started asking. I know i should stop entirely but im sure you can appreciate how hard it is. Ive managed to tell my best friend and she begged me to stop, and i tried, but ive started again and i cant bring myself to tell her.

    ''you can't change the past just concentrate on enjoying the present and looking forward to the future, which i know feels impossible, it does for me but it is something worth remembering''
    im going to remember this.
    part of my problem is im scared of the future, hence why sometimes i dont want to face it, so thankyou for telling me that (:

    I hope everything goes well at the doctors, well done for doing something about this. We can get through this!
    Let us know how you get on next week.

    :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    dr_chimpenstien: thanks for that!
    ive written a lot of poetry about how im feeling, and i also draw / paint when ive got things on my mind, but if i go wrong on the tiniest of things, i feel worse than when i began.

    i like the idea of going for walks though. I can go and do some photography and clear my head at the same time!
    I've tried to distract myself, but then i think of something that makes me want to self harm again, which is annoying. But now that i've joined this and i'm going to start councilling, im really going to try and cut back [no pun intended], because i know its really going to become a serious problem if i do it any more.
    Will also try the meditation- i cant sleep much at all lately; i'm lucky if i get five hours a night because im too busy thinking about things, so will try this for sure!

    Thankyou for all your help :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    hi

    the first person i told about my self harming was my best friend at school, i text her, couldn't do it in person, i havn't been able to tell anyone in person my now best friend who i have talked too i first told her over msn.
    my best friend at school firstly seemed supportive, but then she started to become really distant from me and when i would text her to meet and stuff she would always be doing something else and hardly spoke to me at school after. when the teachers found out they were sort of supportive but went behind my back telling my mum, even when they were not 100% sure it was self harm, as i had lied to them. all my teachers at school knew i was depressed, because a teacher had emailed them but they often told me to pull my socks up and to do some work instead of staring at the floor, some of them were better than others though.
    i overheard a conversation my mum was having on the phone with my head of year and she just said that i was attention seeking and sounded so dissappointed in me and she took my penknife away from me, which made me really angry. i think she just expected me to stop.

    my current best friend who i have told practically everything to is really supportive, although sometimes a little pushy!! she says stuff like i think you are ready to stop, so i have been trying for a few weeks, but i feel worse for it, have been having really bad panic attacks and stuff, so only stop when you are really ready.

    it is good that you are going to start counselling soon, hope it goes well.

    my best friend atm asked to see my arm which i eventually showed her, but people who i have tolded don't generally ask to much about it.

    one of the main reasons i am scared of telling people about my self harm is i am terrified they will think i am attention seeking and a freak so i really only have told those i really trust, even then it is really hard.

    good luck with the counselling, let us know how you get on.:)
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