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which of these college statements do you think is better ?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
1. I have chosen to apply to the North Hertfordshire College A-level programme after looking through the college prospectus and attending the open evening, I have been overwhelmed by the opportunities and facilities the college has to offer. I wish to study English, Biology, Geography and still considering Mathematics or Law at 'A' Level. By joining the college I would feel more mature and I aspire to lead a more independent future, I would like to study at North Hertfordshire College because I have heard a lot of positive feedback about it. The college is in a convenient location from my home; I have three brothers that are currently attending the college. After the open evening I was impressed in how vibrant the atmosphere was and how friendly the students and staff were.
If I was to be accepted at North Hertfordshire College, I would contribute a lot of the time by putting in a lot of effort into my studies to achieve the best possible result I can in my 'A' Levels, so I can gain the qualifications that would hopefully help me to be accepted into University. I would bring a pleasant and cheerful character to the positive atmosphere the college has.

and then

2. I have chosen to apply to the North Hertfordshire College A-level programme because I attended a NHC open evening and was very impressed by the attitude of the College and the way in which it presented itself. I also found the lecturers and students there very pleasant and friendly; I didn’t feel intimidated at all for asking them questions and they made me feel completely at ease. It was a comfortable environment, and one that I would be happy to join and cooperate with. It would also be an appropriate destination for me as the distance isn’t very far from my house and therefore wouldn’t be too expensive to travel there.
If I were accepted at the North Hertfordshire College, I would contribute a lot of time and effort to my studies to achieve the best result I can in my A-levels, so I can gain qualifications that would hopefully help me to be accepted in University. I would also bring a friendly personality to the college and would not disrupt the positive atmosphere that the college has. If anyone needed anything, I would be happy to help without complaint.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I like the first one better. It sounds more mature and well thought out. Try not to focus so much on what the college is like cos they already know. More about what you are like as a person.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    First one, cos' in the second one you started off with 'because'
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    CoolMe wrote: »
    First one, cos' in the second one you started off with 'because'

    what does it matter with starting with "because"???
  • Olly_BOlly_B Mod-u-like Posts: 222 Settling in
    Hi,

    I actually think both are suitable, but I'd be tempted to go for the second.

    If you use the first one, you'll probably want to change some of the words. At the moment it feels "over-written", which is where someone tries to use more, or more complicated, words or excessive adverbs than are necessary, usually in an attempt to cover up a lack of confidence about using the language.

    For example, you've written: "I have been overwhelmed by the opportunities and facilities the college has to offer." A dictionary definition of overwhelmed is "rendered powerless especially by an excessive amount or profusion of something". So you've told me that you have been rendered powerless by the the college... not exactly a good reason for them to take you on!

    You've also written: "I would bring a pleasant and cheerful character to the positive atmosphere the college has.", which, when you think about it, makes no sense. Your second version makes far more sense: "I would also bring a friendly personality to the college and would not disrupt the positive atmosphere that the college has."

    Here's a really good guide to writing well: http://www.ziskadesigns.co.uk/plainenglish.html

    Hope this helps, and good luck...


    Olly
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Olly_B wrote: »
    Hi,

    I actually think both are suitable, but I'd be tempted to go for the second.

    If you use the first one, you'll probably want to change some of the words. At the moment it feels "over-written", which is where someone tries to use more, or more complicated, words or excessive adverbs than are necessary, usually in an attempt to cover up a lack of confidence about using the language.

    For example, you've written: "I have been overwhelmed by the opportunities and facilities the college has to offer." A dictionary definition of overwhelmed is "rendered powerless especially by an excessive amount or profusion of something". So you've told me that you have been rendered powerless by the the college... not exactly a good reason for them to take you on!

    You've also written: "I would bring a pleasant and cheerful character to the positive atmosphere the college has.", which, when you think about it, makes no sense. Your second version makes far more sense: "I would also bring a friendly personality to the college and would not disrupt the positive atmosphere that the college has."

    Here's a really good guide to writing well: http://www.ziskadesigns.co.uk/plainenglish.html

    Hope this helps, and good luck...


    Olly

    -I agree. Though I would like to add that sometimes I think it would be better if you justify some statements. E.g. " By joining the college I would feel more mature and I aspire to lead a more independent future" - what is it you feel the college has to offer that will make you more mature. It seems as though you are trying to say the independent learning but that doesn't really come across very well IMO.


    -I also don't like that you say the college is in a 'convenient' location. Does that mean that your going because you can't be bothered to travel to somewhere better?

    -I think you could do more with getting the qualifications to go to university. At the end of the day your choosing the A level college that you think can get you to the level you need to be at to reach university. Say why you have confidence in them to 'make' it happen. Surely you want to go to a good university and although you have to be committed to get there the college should support you where they can.


    I think these may be some good points to think about. Though please say if you disagree. I don't mean to try and tear it apart, I guess at third year university level I'm being too critical. It can't help to start early though.
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