Resolving arguments

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
I feel a bit daft asking this but I can't seem to find a resolution - sorry if it's long!

My bf and I have been together for 4 months - he's 24 and I'm 21 and we're pretty loved up and happy.

Our one and only argument has been about this one thing. To put it in perspective in way of how we communicate - we text frequently and I travel to see him every weekend as he's at uni and I work all week at a school. We're the type that can yap yap yap all the time to each other from serious to random. We do skype when my connection doesn't play up and he only has a mobile so we've had to tone down calling each other because our bills are ridiculous. We also email during the week as if the phone bill/internet/having other things to do get in the way - a chunky update and hello is nice.

Anyway - got distracted! A month ago, I met up with some girls for a whole weekend of clubbing up north (I went to camp over the summer with them) with lots of boozing etc...so I took about 100 photo's over the weekend. One of the nights was a 'jockey' themed night out where we bounded around with hobby horses which got a lot of attention - guys trying to steal/pose with/molest our horses and asking about what we were up to and one photo was taken with me and a random guy who wouldn't leave my horse alone so he said "I'll piss off if you can take a photo of me, you and the horse". So the photo itself (I don't want to downplay it to create a bias but it's pretty straightforward) - we're leant back away from the camera which I'm holding. I didn't like him so my expression is with a curled lip sneer glaring to one side at him and he's drunkenly smiling and there's a horses head. So I fb a lot of the photo's, came across that one and didn't bother - he's just a random. Thought nothing of it, my bf scrolls through my camera the following weekend and comes across this picture. He asked who the guy was and I said he was an annoying random and I don't remember much about him.

Bf goes to visit friends in London, is on his way home drunk and calls me. It starts out nicey and then he starts going off about how he can't believe I took this photo, that guys are blatently drooling all over me and he wishes the photo was never taken and it's upset him. He asks how I would feel if it were him and a random girl and I said I'd be uncomfortable but if he explained I'd be fine - there was a girl he was seeing before I met him in America at camp, and he met her before we officially got together and there's a photo of them two alone sat close together at a distance. He told me it was innoccent - I accepted that and didn't think any more of it -and they were originally going to be getting together. Now a month on, I'm meeting my uni mates this weekend and we might go out and he says "Don't do that again." and I've taken offence because I feel it sounds like he doesn't trust me, or that I go out in order to find randoms for photo's. We can't seem to agree where to end this 'argument' as he's says I'm not appreciating his side but I don't think he recognises what saying that to me sounds like!

He's told me he doesn't want to talk about it but I've said it's important to talk face to face and resolve it when we've got the opportunity because to be honest, I'm quite upset and feel like I can't get resolution over the phone. We're both getting worked up and I feel like one random photo which was insignificant to everything that happened that weekend and one I don't really recall that well, has become the centre of a big issue for us.

I know it seems petty but because our relationship has been so seamlessly perfect so far, this feels like something more than it probably is. I'm aching inside and hurting a bit - being at a distance he can choose to avoid me and I can't do a lot about it. For example, I know he never turns off his computer and is always 'online' on messengers, facebook etc...but tonight he's not online at all any where, he sounded bluesy after we talked earlier and we've not really text. It's just the contrast in how we 'normally' are which for now may seem a little OTT but it just leaves me feeling uncomfortable that he wants to avoid something that we need to figure out before it becomes an issue everytime I want to go out.

Thanks and sorry for the verbal splatter - it's huge I realise!

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Some things just can't be undone. Imagine a kettle (your relationship) and there is a dent in it. you can't just push from the inside the dent outside. It will still leave a denty area. Before you fiddle around and push the dent in and outside making you frustrated just leave it be. The kettle is still working perfectly.

    What I want to say is: I understand you feel like a victim, because he was in that situation (with the girl) and you accepted it. And now, where you are in this situation, he doesn't accept it. Just ignore the dent, because you can't make it like it was before anyway. Just hope nobody is bothered about the dent. When your boyfriend comes and rants about the dent you made into the kettle, just tell him he dropped the kettle too and there is this other dent (he+girl=photo), but does he see you going ape shit because of it? No.

    So if he should hold it against you in the future, tell him you just did it so he would leave you the fuck alone (creepy horse dude) and he has to accept it, like you accept the photo of him and this girl, because it's meaningless and if he's acting up again you are going to throw the kettle onto his head.

    I hope that's not too confusing.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    StrubbleS wrote: »
    Some things just can't be undone. Imagine a kettle (your relationship) and there is a dent in it. you can't just push from the inside the dent outside. It will still leave a denty area. Before you fiddle around and push the dent in and outside making you frustrated just leave it be. The kettle is still working perfectly.

    What I want to say is: I understand you feel like a victim, because he was in that situation (with the girl) and you accepted it. And now, where you are in this situation, he doesn't accept it. Just ignore the dent, because you can't make it like it was before anyway. Just hope nobody is bothered about the dent. When your boyfriend comes and rants about the dent you made into the kettle, just tell him he dropped the kettle too and there is this other dent (he+girl=photo), but does he see you going ape shit because of it? No.

    So if he should hold it against you in the future, tell him you just did it so he would leave you the fuck alone (creepy horse dude) and he has to accept it, like you accept the photo of him and this girl, because it's meaningless and if he's acting up again you are going to throw the kettle onto his head.

    I hope that's not too confusing.

    Got to be fair, I think that's a top post and a very good analogy :) Not confusing at all.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,328 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It sounds like he is jealous and/or insecure. The thought process goes something like: If this happened on camera, what happened off camera? I've been in a similar situation before, and ultimately it was resolved by mutual trust and understanding.

    It's unlikely he'd be bothered about trivial things like a random photo if he completely trusted you. If he doesn't know (I mean really know) nothing is going to happen with you and other guys, he's going to continue having these niggling doubts, and the slighest cue (like a photo) might set them off.

    In order for him to be happy with what you're doing when you're out, he needs to trust you. For many people trust can take a long time to develop, and if he's naturally insecure or jealous this can make it more difficult. I think you need to assure him that he can trust you and that you'll be honest about anything that happens when you're out. It sounds obvious, but it might help him if you set some sensible ground rules about what will and won't happen when you're out. Then the ball is in his court and it's up to him to trust you. You shouldn't necessarily demand his trust, as it can take time, but he needs to be aware that his behaviour is unreasonable.
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Posts: 9,235 Boards Champion
    It sounds like he is jealous and/or insecure. The thought process goes something like: If this happened on camera, what happened off camera? I've been in a similar situation before, and ultimately it was resolved by mutual trust and understanding.

    It's unlikely he'd be bothered about trivial things like a random photo if he completely trusted you. If he doesn't know (I mean really know) nothing is going to happen with you and other guys, he's going to continue having these niggling doubts, and the slighest cue (like a photo) might set them off.

    In order for him to be happy with what you're doing when you're out, he needs to trust you. For many people trust can take a long time to develop, and if he's naturally insecure or jealous this can make it more difficult. I think you need to assure him that he can trust you and that you'll be honest about anything that happens when you're out. It sounds obvious, but it might help him if you set some sensible ground rules about what will and won't happen when you're out. Then the ball is in his court and it's up to him to trust you. You shouldn't necessarily demand his trust, as it can take time, but he needs to be aware that his behaviour is unreasonable.

    :yes: nail and head.
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