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My rights to custody?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
**I am going to see a solicitor next week to discus my options/right but would like feedback from you lot**

Well I thought I'd never have asked this question but I am looking for advice on custody of my 3month old son.

The grounds I would be filing for is an unfit environment because I do not think my son should be subjected to live in such dirt. The missus doesn't wash him, she hasn't even washed her daughter this weekend and she hasn't brushed her teeth either.

The house is a total shit hole, there is soiled nappies on the floor which are sometimes left for 2 days at a time, puss filled bandages in the bathroom and our room, there is black dirt all over the sink and loo and bath, plus all over the floor.

There isn't room to move in the kitchen because there are pots and pans which haven't been washed for a day or so, same goes for plates. There is food stains on the units, old chips on the floor and gravy stains on there. The whole house is used as a dumping ground for junk, it's full of her clothes and boxes.

She leaves the babies bottles exposed after sterilizing them, she never washes her hands when making up a bottle (she also has Hep A), she uses bottles which have fallen on a dirty floor and sofa's, she uses day old water which has been left out for the bottles, she couldn't even be arsed to stay by our sons cot-side when he was in hospital with suspected meningitis and said "I cannot be bothered to stay, do you wanna stay, I need to get some sleep?".

There is more than I can write but to make it short, she is a slob with zero regard for her or her children's hygiene, she rarely lifts a finger and I do not want my son to be brought up in such filth with a mother that doesn't even look after herself, let a lone take care of her kids hygiene.

She will acknowledge this place is a shit hole but will not do anything to help me. I spend hours sweating my arse off trying to make our home clean and tidy but with in a couple of hours it's in a state again. I have talked to her time & time again about it as nice as possible but she doesn't take anything onboard, all she says is "well leave then", or "the more you tell me to do something the less I am going to do".

I just do not know how to make her see that living in a dirty house isn't good for anyone so I am left with trying to get little one living with me.


  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    was it like this before she had the baby?

    maybe she has PND and is overwhelmed?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    She was like it before when she was at her mothers, apart from worse. I actually had to clean their house because it stunk so much dirty everywhere, she wouldn't even put food on their surfaces!

    When I used to clean her bedroom for her I had to get something to scrape the dirt off of the floor. I am surprised they don't have mice.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru

    I dont know what you can do. I take it you dont live together?
    Maybe you could speak to social services?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    We do live together, I personally couldn't leave and leave the little one here. I was thinking of social services but I don't want it to get messy!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i think social services would get involved if they felt the children were at risk, although im not sure how much at risk theyd think they were for being untidy, especially if youre living together as surely you see the mess before it gets bad, and with all due respect, you could have picked up the nappies within 2 days or given the children a bath.
    I know you say you do it and it gets messy again very quickly - well thats what happens with children. If I clean up, the house is trashed again very quickly. You are just as responsible for keeping on top of the housework as her, and if shes not pulling her weight maybe an organisation like homestart could come and help, or maybe getting a cleaner a couple of hours.

    It sounds like its really getting to you. I dont know really what your rights would be, but i DO know that it can be very chaotic with a new baby, and you said she already had a problem with tidyness before you even had the baby, so maybe unrealistic to expect a huge change. It definitely sounds asif youre on seperate sides rather than a team, so not sure what the answer is.

    Is this the main argument in the relationship, the tidyness?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thing is it should be 50/50, not 80/20. I have really learned a lot about her in the last 12 months and if I had known these things before the start I probably wouldn't have got involved, but I cannot really look back in hindsight. I honestly do flog my guts out here and I feel it's for nothing, I get to the point where I think "why do I bother" but I have to other wise things don't get done.

    I have even given her an ultimatum but that hasn't done a lot either, I just get told I should leave or the more I tell her do something the less she will do it.

    I dunno, maybe my standards are to high, who knows.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    it sounds infuriating and of course youre in a difficult situation. You have a very young baby and that is a bit chaotic at the best of times, especially since you have an older one too who youre not even that fond of, coupled with her being very untidy... Its hard to say what your rights are. Are you named on the birth certificate.
    I wouldnt have said being messy would be reason for a mother to lose custody if the relationship broke down. Is she the primary carer or are you?

    Having children IS pretty thankless, and relentless work. Most of it ISNT that rewarding, and feeling like youre undervalued and overworked is a pretty common feeling - I have felt like it myself, and i have also yet to see a household where the chores are split 50/50, although i must admit it is usually the other way round 80/20 with the woman doing the majority, and noone really bats an eyelid at that.
    It does sound like its all getting a bit much for you now. It isnt fair that not only are you doing more than your share, your partner doesnt even try and resolve the issue.
    Do you think if you had a cleaner there would be less arguments?
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