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I used to be able to write, I think...

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Ok, so wanted to join in, but as I haven't written anything of any value anytime lately, this will have to do.

It's a piece from my uni coursework after we'd read far too much postmodern fiction. The brief was to write a piece with no punctuation/unconventional punctuation, and originally I used space and line breaks instead. Somewhere along the line it's corrupted and all my spacing out has f-ed up. Still works, I think. It was written from the POV of a old man who recently lost his wife and I think it's the most poem-like non-poem I've ever written.

You can critique if you feel the need, but considering I wrote and handed it in 6 years ago, it's a little late to take any of your suggestions on board :p


Untitled

i’m talking
in
longwords/shortsentences
again
like it matters anyway/like anyone is really listening
like the world didn’t just stop
ground-to-a-halt

i’m walking
in
longstrides/shortsteps
again
like i know where i’m going/what i’ll do when i get there
like nothing happened at all
ear-to-the-ground

waiting

her laugh
ringing in my ears
and
herfaceherfaceherface
i’m breaking/bleeding/dying

her life in black-and-white
a shadow next to me
her smile/her hands/her eyes
my heart
my tears

the days are easier
shorter
less darkcoldlonely

nights
welcometo: this is the darkest night of my entire life
again

shadows move (and fall and break)
they lie
easier now than they ever have
they close
around me onetwothree
as I lie alone in my bed alone in my sleep alone

i’m dying
and i never thought it would happen
without her/without my maggie
alonealonealone

i’m waiting
for god?
for life?
for me?
i’m listening for the cracks-in-the-walls
the pictures-on-shelves
the dying/so much dying
and me alone
again

i’m waiting
for the clock to come around tick around
back to one
back to nothing
beginning againandagainandagain
and again
like the days
like me
begin again
end again
timeaftertimeaftertimeaftertime

i’m listening
for the dial tone
to change from one to many
for the automated voice to talk to me
to replace the handset and try again

i’m listening
for the cracks-in-the-walls
the crack-in-the-days
the nights
the light
thedark/thecold/thedamp
and me
and her
only without her

i’m calling
hernamehernamehername
her voice
she’s calling
and i can’t hear/don’t want to know
don’t want to hear anymore

her keys
on the rack/next-to-the-door
her perfume by the sink
her clothes her shoes her coat
next to mine
waiting for her

i’m watching
the postman walk by
bringing nothing
again
bringing her letters/the ones i open now
the cards
i’m sorry
sosorrysosorry
i’m thinking of you
i am

the flowers
in the cracks in the house
colour in a blackandwhite photograph/music in silence
and me
wordless and falling
in the space between her shadow and her memory
and all the things that fall between

the notes
I write to myself
So I can remember how to live
takethebinout/pastaforlunch/stopcryingwhyareyoucrying
the notes
spelling out the life of an old man
in biro and pencil
on the walls

and me
in the house where shadows move/dust collects
choreafterchore
and still it reeks of loneliness
and of her
of you

i miss you

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Fucking love it. Can definitely see the postmodern influences :p
    I particularly enjoyed the juxtaposition of contradictions towards the start.

    Here:
    shadows move (and fall and break)
    - Maybe better without the and?

    And here:
    for the clock to come around tick around
    I thought it might scan better if it was on two lines. But it's still fine as it is!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I loved it. Really good choice of subject matter too.
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