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Advice Needed

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
in Sex & Relationships
I am hoping someone on here could maybe help me as i cannot talk to anyone else about it. I have known someone for 2 and a half years and have been very good friends that has developed into a sexual relationship for the last 7 months. Unfortunately she was engaged to someone and they had been living together for 7 years. I tried to stop it as I felt guilty for her partner but I couldn't, and as things developed i found out he had abused her both physically and mentally. Anyway things came to a head when he found out in September this year and she left him and she moved back in with her parents. The thing is he constantly bombards her with texts and calls saying he wants her back and will change. I find this very hard but I know from past relationships that it is not easy to let someone go. One other problem is that she won't tell her friends (they share the same circle of friends) or family about the abuse as she is scared what they will do particularly her dad and brother, or think about her and as a result people keep saying maybe you should give it another go.

Then two weeks ago he booked a holiday to amsterdam, and she said no but he keeps telling her how he ruined her life and she believes it. As a result she told me this weekend she has said she will go just to end it on a good note, he doesn't know this even though she has spelled it out.

I do love her and she always tells me that she loves me but i can't carry on like this. I told her that if she went I would walk away. I want to make it work and know things worth having have to be worked at but can't let her go and maybe feel that he will make her feel so guilty she will think about giving it another go. My real problem if I walk away is that I will have lost my best friend and the person I love, but I don't think I can be part of her life anymore knowing what I know now, If they were to give it a go and he hurt her again I would never forgive myself. I'm not sure what to do but if I do end it would I be wrong in telling her parents and her close friends what he is really like so he can't hurt her anymore?

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Being abused mentally and physically is not definately not right. She has to get out of this relationship for her own good. Why does she believe that she has ruined his life? That is more abuse. She has to get out for sure. At least she is able to confide in you about it but I understand how difficult it is to tell others like close friends and family. Do you mean that he found out about you and her? If she is constantly being abused she could contact the police? If it was me I would not suffer in silence and just accept the way this man is towards her. I would not even go on holiday either. What can her friends and family do? Yes they would be angry but this is acceptable in your case. Does she want to live a life of constant abuse. Can she talk to her Gp that might help to? You say you love her but dont think you want to be a part of her life knowing what you know? She needs to make the decision to end this relationship so I suggest that if she is able to do so then you and her can be together in a loving relationship. She needs your support as a friend right now and if she is able to break away then you and her can be happy? Why is she still clinging on to this other relationship. If she cannot approach her family or friends about this then who can she rely on. Stay with her for now and just wait.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yes he did find out and we have carried on where we left off. She left him in September. He doesn't know about it, as she is too scared to tell him and what the consequences could be. Only her close friends do but she hasn't told them the history of the abuse, so they can't give her the right advice. it is really horrible knowing this secret as I want to be there for her and expose him for what he is.

    I have said the same that by making her feel guilty is another form of abuse. I understand that they were together a long time but sometimes I think it is better to cut ties for a while rather than go down the friendship route straightaway.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    She really does need to get away from him if you are saying that he also controls her which it sounds like he does. If that is what you want to do then do what you think is best for both you and her and if she does finally manage to get out of this abusive relationship then you can be together but until she makes that decision it will be hard for you. She can talk to her Gp in confidence. What would the consequences be?
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