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Time to move in or move on? (long)
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Ok, please bear with me here as this post is both a way of getting advice and of figuring out how I feel by writing it down.
I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. We broke up briefly in February, but got back together about 3 weeks later.
He's not the kind of guy most people expect me to be with, but he's my best friend and the relationship at the moment is stronger than ever.
Thing is, I don't know if this is the case because I'm in love with him and the relationship is right, or because other aspects of my life are making me rely on him too much.
I graduated this year and my best friend and housemate left to move to London. I started a new job which is incredibly stressful and tiring, and moved in with two girls I didn't know before. The girls I live with are rarely at home, as one works abroad a lot and the other is usually at her boyfriend's. As a result, I'm spending most nights at my boyfriend's, as I hate being in the new place alone and feel I need to be around people but don't have the energy to go to the pub or socialise with my other friends, most of whom live on the other side of the city.
I have always expected to move to London or abroad for work, as that's where there are most job opportunities in my area of work, and I want to see the world as part of my career. I don't want to stay in Bristol forever; I feel as though if I do I'll be compromising my career potential.
Thing is, my boyfriend asked me to move in the other day. One of his housemates is leaving, so I'd have my own room, and as he pointed out, it does make sense given that I'm spending most of my time there anyway.
I'm really worried that moving in with him would minimise my chances of going far with my career, as it would make me even less likely to move away for work. I spoke to my mum about it, and she said that if I'm not planning to marry him, I shouldn't move in (he's ten years older than me and she's pretty sure this for him is a step towards getting married). But I'm 21, and marriage just isn't on my cards at the moment, so how do I know if he's the person I want to marry?
There's a part of me that feels as though I should break up with him for the sake of my career and just move away, but the thought of doing that scares me silly; my family all live abroad and my friends have scattered across the country; I'd be totally alone. Then again, does that mean I'm only staying with him because it's convenient?
It feels as though my feelings for him are all tangled up with my feelings about the rest of my life, and I can't figure out if moving in would be a really bad idea or exactly what I need to do.
Does any of that make sense? Any words of advice?
I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. We broke up briefly in February, but got back together about 3 weeks later.
He's not the kind of guy most people expect me to be with, but he's my best friend and the relationship at the moment is stronger than ever.
Thing is, I don't know if this is the case because I'm in love with him and the relationship is right, or because other aspects of my life are making me rely on him too much.
I graduated this year and my best friend and housemate left to move to London. I started a new job which is incredibly stressful and tiring, and moved in with two girls I didn't know before. The girls I live with are rarely at home, as one works abroad a lot and the other is usually at her boyfriend's. As a result, I'm spending most nights at my boyfriend's, as I hate being in the new place alone and feel I need to be around people but don't have the energy to go to the pub or socialise with my other friends, most of whom live on the other side of the city.
I have always expected to move to London or abroad for work, as that's where there are most job opportunities in my area of work, and I want to see the world as part of my career. I don't want to stay in Bristol forever; I feel as though if I do I'll be compromising my career potential.
Thing is, my boyfriend asked me to move in the other day. One of his housemates is leaving, so I'd have my own room, and as he pointed out, it does make sense given that I'm spending most of my time there anyway.
I'm really worried that moving in with him would minimise my chances of going far with my career, as it would make me even less likely to move away for work. I spoke to my mum about it, and she said that if I'm not planning to marry him, I shouldn't move in (he's ten years older than me and she's pretty sure this for him is a step towards getting married). But I'm 21, and marriage just isn't on my cards at the moment, so how do I know if he's the person I want to marry?
There's a part of me that feels as though I should break up with him for the sake of my career and just move away, but the thought of doing that scares me silly; my family all live abroad and my friends have scattered across the country; I'd be totally alone. Then again, does that mean I'm only staying with him because it's convenient?
It feels as though my feelings for him are all tangled up with my feelings about the rest of my life, and I can't figure out if moving in would be a really bad idea or exactly what I need to do.
Does any of that make sense? Any words of advice?
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Comments
Well done for getting all this down - I think as you say, it can be really helpful to get across how you feel about everything.
I guess I have more questions than advice, that might help you to think about your situation further and the things you could potentially consider.
So, how are they finding it? Have you been to visit them much? Based on their experiences does it sound like you'd like to join them? Getting thoughts on a place from people who are close to you can really help to shape your views on whether it is a place you think you'd really thrive - lots of visits could also help.
It can be really tough when you feel lonely in your own home. Have you talked to your housemate who goes to her boyfriend's a lot to see if she fancies hanging out at all? It might be that she's in the same situation as you and goes to her boyfriends a lot to avoid being alone, but would quite like some female company too. If you feel like you can boost your social life as it stands, then it might give you a better idea of how you feel about your boyfriend.
What does your boyfriend think about the move to London? Would he ever consider moving with you? This would be an important discussion to have because talking about the future and what direction you both see yourselves going in can help determine whether settling down together would be a good idea. You may find the BBC's article on Do you want the same things really useful at this point.
You've probably already had lots of thoughts on this - and I'm aware (from previous threads) that this relationship has come into question for you a few times, and although you love him to pieces, perhaps you aren't as Olive would say "pulling in the same direction?" If as you say, you're "closer than ever" then hopefully you will be able to discuss these things openly and work out whether or not you will be content to carry on and still strive for the other things you'd like to do.
Take good care and keep posting.
It all makes very good sense to me, and your thoughts are clear. It seems you have considered all of the aspects of your life and your relationship, but the difficulty is now choosing which route to take.
My advice would be not to move in with him, to me you don't sound at all ready for that level of commitment and you could end up regretting it for the rest of your life. You are only 21, you are obviously not convinced this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with and have unfulfilled ambitions. Yes it is scary to move away and be alone, of course, but if you have the courage to make that move you will soon make new friends and it will test the strength of your love for him and his for you. Don't throw away the best years of your life, for the comfortable option unless you are 100% convinced he is the man you want to spend your life with.
You need to talk to him and be as honest as you have been on this thread, if he truly loves you he will understand and support your decision. If he can't wait for you, or give you that support then you need to ask yourself how deep is his love for you?
I know if I loved a girl and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, I would give her the space she needed to find her own way. You are only young once and need to follow your dreams, which you clearly have, not following them could possibly lead to regret and resentment.
Go with your heart, it sounds to me as though you know the answer already but just need some support from friends on here to have the confidence to take the decision.
Good luck, i'm sure you have a really happy and fulfilled life ahead of you.
Take Care
Most of my friends moved in with boyfriends after university and have either now ended up getting married or several years down the line have ended up with very messy break ups few years down the line - if your not sure he is the one i'd never reccomend moving in.
I agree though that doing that would definitely come across as taking your relationship a bit further.
Really this is something you probably need to talk about with him, after you consider what you want to do for the next year.