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Desire mismatch in a loving, committed relationship
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
My wife said to me last night that sex to her is and has always been on par with flossing her teeth, cleaning her ears or pooping. In other words, she's got zero desire. She thinks, as do I, that most of the people in the world enjoy sex, particularly with a spouse or committed partner as a means of relieving stress, having fun, being close, sharing something special, etc. She also admitted to me that she herself has used sex with all of her partners as a means of attracting a guy, but that she never deeply felt the drive for sex that I do.
I readily admit that I don't do everything I wish I could do to be mister romantic. I work a lot. We also have two small children (3yrs and 8mos) which make it difficult to find the time and energy for lovin'.
So, I know there are things I can work on to strengthen the relationship and bring us closer together, which I think will at least reduce the aversion to sex that my wife has.
What I want to know though is whether there's anything else that I could or should do to address her lack of interest and general paradigm about sex. Is there any way for her to change her impression of sex in general?
I've thought that maybe it's just a hormone thing, that she's perhaps got amazingly low testosterone levels. But she doesn't want to take hormones and I, quite honestly, don't know what the heck I'm talking about anyway. I've heard all sorts of ridiculous stories and claims about sex and sexual attraction and what is responsible for it biologically.
So anyway, does anyone have any ideas? I love my wife dearly, and won't stray from her. But I'm not really super-enthusiastic about the sex life that I have to look forward to if she doesn't or isn't able to change her basic paradigm on sex. I'm hoping for a miracle here.
Thanks.
I readily admit that I don't do everything I wish I could do to be mister romantic. I work a lot. We also have two small children (3yrs and 8mos) which make it difficult to find the time and energy for lovin'.
So, I know there are things I can work on to strengthen the relationship and bring us closer together, which I think will at least reduce the aversion to sex that my wife has.
What I want to know though is whether there's anything else that I could or should do to address her lack of interest and general paradigm about sex. Is there any way for her to change her impression of sex in general?
I've thought that maybe it's just a hormone thing, that she's perhaps got amazingly low testosterone levels. But she doesn't want to take hormones and I, quite honestly, don't know what the heck I'm talking about anyway. I've heard all sorts of ridiculous stories and claims about sex and sexual attraction and what is responsible for it biologically.
So anyway, does anyone have any ideas? I love my wife dearly, and won't stray from her. But I'm not really super-enthusiastic about the sex life that I have to look forward to if she doesn't or isn't able to change her basic paradigm on sex. I'm hoping for a miracle here.
Thanks.
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Comments
We had exactly the same problem then found Tantra, I persuaded her to attend a couple of workshops and we have never looked back. We attended workshops in California but they are available in the UK too.
It does though take committment from both partners and you do need to set aside time for just the two of you.
My wife had never in her life orgasmed through intercourse alone with any guy, she could only orgasm through oral stimulation, masturbation and toys but since introducing tantric techniques inot our lovemaking she has amazing climaxes and has completely changed her view of sex and her desire for it, in fact it is now me that struggles to keep up with her needs. I'm not complaining though
She is 44 by the way.
There are plenty of resources online for you to research but a good place to start is here:-
http://www.tantra.uk.com/pages/couples.php
http://www.tantra.uk.com/pages/tantra_women.php
To a lot of people, us as well, at first sight it seems like a lot of new age mumbo jumbo, but it has honestly changed our relationship beyond belief, after 13 years together. I truly mean it, my wife has discovered the pleasures of sex in a loving relationship and now does it and wants it for herself and not just to keep me happy.
It's worth a try and hey, you have nothing to lose, but plenty to gain, believe me:)
James
You say here that you have 2 children...one of which is a baby. Do you think she could be suffering from post natal depression talk to her and find out what is wrong and why she is feeling this way? If she is suffering from post natal depression then you could talk to her gp?
Talk to her.
So I reckon it could be worthwhile seeing a doctor because they'll be able to suggest whether it's medication/depression/hormone related.