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Estranged Son
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
20 years ago I had a child with my then girlfriend. Due to circumstances, I left when the child was a few weeks old and have not had any contact since.
Last night, my sister called to say that he had contacted her and wanted to get in contact with me. He is now 19 and has a half brother, fathered by the girlfriends partner. I understand that last year this relationship between his mother and step father broke up.
I too have moved on from the circumstances and issues that lead me to depart over 20 years ago. I have married, fathered 2 beautiful daughters and my life has been steady for the last 10 years or so.
The shock is two - fold, as i didn't know any of my family were still in touch with my estranged son.
My initial reaction is that I do not wish to have any contact with my estranged son. The reasons are that i cannot say in all honesty that I knew him during the brief period of time we spent together, I wish to protect my current family from all the hurt and upset that this would cause, and I am a very different person now to what I was back then.
Whilst I cannot see any benefit from this contact, I am able to see that my estranged son may benefit from some contact. He no doubt has un-answered questions, would like to hear my side of things and just generally find out about me.
But I am still concerned. Given that his step father has recently divorced his mother, given his young age (19), perhaps this has brought a natural curiosity to the forefront of his mind. I am concerned that in his mind he may have built me up into something that I am not (for better or for worse), I am concerned about the disappointment he will feel (and anger) when he finds out that I do not wish to maintain any sort of contact with him.
Lastly, there was some doubt all those years ago as to if he was actually mine?? The reason for the doubt is that he has brown eyes and whilst there are always exceptions, normally a child born with brown eyes would have one parent with brown eyes, as this eye colour represents a dominent gene.
Has anyone else out there (either a father or son) experienced this situation and what are your experiences.
I had thought about writing, but words can sometimes be misconvied. Perhaps initially talking on skype or IM might be a good starting point, I don't know.
Thanks
Anon-Father.
Last night, my sister called to say that he had contacted her and wanted to get in contact with me. He is now 19 and has a half brother, fathered by the girlfriends partner. I understand that last year this relationship between his mother and step father broke up.
I too have moved on from the circumstances and issues that lead me to depart over 20 years ago. I have married, fathered 2 beautiful daughters and my life has been steady for the last 10 years or so.
The shock is two - fold, as i didn't know any of my family were still in touch with my estranged son.
My initial reaction is that I do not wish to have any contact with my estranged son. The reasons are that i cannot say in all honesty that I knew him during the brief period of time we spent together, I wish to protect my current family from all the hurt and upset that this would cause, and I am a very different person now to what I was back then.
Whilst I cannot see any benefit from this contact, I am able to see that my estranged son may benefit from some contact. He no doubt has un-answered questions, would like to hear my side of things and just generally find out about me.
But I am still concerned. Given that his step father has recently divorced his mother, given his young age (19), perhaps this has brought a natural curiosity to the forefront of his mind. I am concerned that in his mind he may have built me up into something that I am not (for better or for worse), I am concerned about the disappointment he will feel (and anger) when he finds out that I do not wish to maintain any sort of contact with him.
Lastly, there was some doubt all those years ago as to if he was actually mine?? The reason for the doubt is that he has brown eyes and whilst there are always exceptions, normally a child born with brown eyes would have one parent with brown eyes, as this eye colour represents a dominent gene.
Has anyone else out there (either a father or son) experienced this situation and what are your experiences.
I had thought about writing, but words can sometimes be misconvied. Perhaps initially talking on skype or IM might be a good starting point, I don't know.
Thanks
Anon-Father.
0
Comments
I would suggest though that you don't keep your wife in the dark about it, because wouldn't you rather that she heard about it from you than finding out some other way? If that was me, I'd be very upset that you hadn't told me.
Of course its up to you if you want to do the decent thing or not, and its up to you whether you want to continue contact, but I think it sounds like the boy needs some answers and possibly some closure if youre not willing to be a friend to him. I think he also deserves to know he has sisters, and they deserve to know their brother. I imagine this will be hard for your wife, but none of this is your sons fault. He is totally innocent in this. He exists. You cant just wipe out certain bits of your past as and when it suits you.
I think if you want to write a letter you need to be very careful how you word it. The boy is probably in a very vulnerable position.
You rejected him 19 years ago, if youre going to do it again, at least try and be sensitive about it.
You DO have a responsibility here
:yes:
:yes:
My wife does already know that I had a child with another person and that there was some question over if I was the father.
You are right that he is the innocent party in all of this.
The situation is less straight forward as there is the question hanging over as to if he is actually my son.
If I knew for sure that he was not mine, then the situation would be clearer to deal with. If he is mine, then the way is clearer but still a little hazy. We have not had any contact and I cannot fill the gap of the last 19 years or so, nor would I want to. Clearly, the step father would have been more of a father figure to him, and it is unfortunate that this relationship has ceased.
I am clear in my mind that I have nothing to gain by meeting him but I am sensitive that he may benefit from speaking/meeting me. I am also very aware that his feelings may get hurt but I cannot see a way through this. I want to do the right thing but I am just so afraid that a sensitive young lad may be setting himself up for a fall. Is he really prepared to hear that his biological father is prepared to meet/speak but does not want any further contact once his questions have been answered.? This whole situation just sounds frought with hurt and pain, and can only lead to further pain on his side.
I really would be interested to hear from anyone who has been through this kind of circumstance and what the outcome was - did they regret seeking out their parent or did it all end well?
As for the circumstances which lead to our departure, I naively took responsibility for actions took by my then partner and ended up spending 2 years in prison for it. So, this further adds to the very difficult situation as he will now have to come to terms with his mother's past as well.
Thank you for taking the time to respond.
Anon-Father.
...I haven't seen my father in 7 years. I have a step father now and he is much more of a dad than my biological father ever could be and ever will be.
But my god I got royally fucked up by the whole the thing. Abandonment issues is what my councillor called it. I'm still really upset by the matter even if my father did get in touch with me recently (for the first time in 7 years).
Basically, your son may have been really horribly effected by the fact that his father left him. I think you owe it to him to at least get in touch. Maybe that's all he wants. Maybe all he wants is to know who his father really is. He might not want a relationship with you.
Essentially, your son might be really hurt. He might not be. Either way you owe to him to at least send an email to say hello and explain your situation. Being ignored by a father is the most horrible, horrible feeling, even if you only spent time with him for a few weeks. It's something that will be on his conscious his entire life.
Can you not arrange to meet him and then stress that any further meetings are also done away from your current family until further notice? I don't think that you can be expected to fill in the gap for the past 19 years, but who knows what joy and satisfaction that he might bring to your life going forward? Instead of dwelling on the negative implications, conisider the positive too.
Regarding dragging his mother's past into the situation, it depends how you sell him the story. We all make mistakes and you could tell him that possibly, one of your mistakes was to be under the impression that he might not be your son either - and that you were young yourself at the time, and made decisions based on your immaturity. He might then ask for you to be involved in a paternity test but let him come to that 'idea', rather than imply that you would want it done.
Thanks for your response. You do not need to apologise for your view.
Being a father is much more about being there than the act of fathering. As you have found out, your step father and your paternal father are two different sides of the same coin. I'm glad that you have found a good relationship with your step-father.
I too have a step father who in many ways has been more of a father figure than my paternal father. I still see my paternal father and have worked through the issues I had with him when i was a child/teenager. We are on good terms but I would never want to let him know how I feel about my step father as it would hurt him too much.
I take your point about being ignored. Thanks for sharing your experience with me, it has helped.
Teagan, these are all very valid points you make too. I'm not sure that I resent the situation, I won't to try and do the best by all concerned; as an adult I can deal with the situation, but I am worried for the boy and his ability to deal with it, I desire to protect my young daughters from this (they are only 3 & 5), and although my wife has some knowledge of the past, my natural instinct is to protect her too - but of course if she does find out by some other route, then I can clearly understand the hurt it would cause her.
I am thinking of contacting some kind of organisation that deals with estranged parents & children - can anyone point me in the right direction.
I am driven by the desire to do the right thing - but I feel unclear yet what the right thing is to do and how to best approach it. I want to ensure that my reaction is considered and well thought through. I do not want to bring further harm to those around me but it seems inevitable that people around me will get hurt and that makes me sad.
If he is your son, which i think you have to assume he is until proved otherwise, then having minimal contact on a more friendship basis than a father/son basis, is not unreasonable. If he wants you to be a father, well he will be disapointed, but he will find that out for himself. There is no reason for you to say, no - no more contact. That would be a deliberate cold hearted rejection.
An occasional meeting up for coffee and telling him youre happy to be a friend but no more, im sure would be less of a rejection and not too much effort on your part.
There will be hurt and confusion somewhere along the line, but there will be ways you can minimalise this (if the thought "really" makes you sad). Telling your firstborn son that you want no contact with him, isnt one of those ways. I think you need to find out what HE wants, and do something right by him. After all, youve done fuck all for him up till now
So since I was in your son's situation, I'm finding it hard to see it from your point of view.
I love my adoptive parents, but my feelings for them has NOTHING to do with my need to know my biological family. My b-dad will never be the dad he could have been to me because he wasn't there when I grew up but I still want (and need) him in my life.
I think you need to get over yourself and accept that the boy is probably your son and he will benefit from contact with you.
I don't think I wrecked my dad's life by making contact with him. He's answered my questions, I've answered his. His wife and kids love me and I love them. I haven't ruined their lives. So maybe your son will be the same. Maybe your kids will love the idea of an older brother.
Your son's birth was not his fault. Don't make him pay for it.
I don't know any organisations that deal with estranged parents and their kids, but there are charities for those involved in adoption which is very similar to your situation. Try "after adoption", "the post adoption centre" or norcap. I can't think of any more at the moment, but you should be able to find some more on google or something.
Wether you like it or not he deserves some answers at least.
I have a lot of half-relatives (several I didnt even know about until this year!), and their still my family. I also know only too well from my parents experiences how hard it can be growing up and having absent parents.
Also you wont know what he wants or what sort of relationship (if any) he wishes to have with you inless you actually talk to him. I dont really see what harm could come of it... it could be difficult yes, maybe he'll think your an asshole and you'll never talk again. No need to keep it hidden or anything. The more you think about all these negative things the more stressful its going to be for you, it can be much easier if your just honest and give it a go!
Why should have the right to hide from your past when you have a soul out there that believes your his father regardless if you are or not it's still your duty to bring forth a proper decison. You are a grown man and stand every right to make your own decisions regardless of anyone else's opinions and if this means telling him that you would rather not have contact then do that because hiding your feelings from him will only make him upset and maybe even angry.
So be a man and do the right thing, tell him what you want him to hear not what he wants to hear.
And whatever you do, do not ignore him, you have to stand up to this like a real man and let him know exactly what you feel.
Yeah, I am sure that this must be causing all sorts of conflicting emotions in you.
However, through your past actions, there were repercussions and, therefore, responsibilities. For instance, your ex didn't make your son on her own. You are the other half of the puzzle, regardless of what happened subsequently.
I think that if you told you wife now, straight up, that this is going on and that it will in no way affect your love and dedication to her or your present family, she will be understanding. She is hardly going to leave you over this. We all have baggage and, although I shouldn't use that term regarding your son, he is someone that is part of yours.
You have every right to protect your current family but your son has a right to know where he came from. You don't have to ever be best buddies if you don't hit it off, but you will at least relieve the pressure in his head about who he is. If nothing else, you owe him that.
But don't hide this from your wife. Let her be part of the process. Good communication with her will be reassuring. Good luck! :thumb:
p.s. Try contacting Parent Line on 0808 800 22 22. If they can't advise you, they will surely know some group that can.