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Estranged Son Contact
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
20 years ago I had a child with my then girlfriend. Due to circumstances, I left when the child was a few weeks old and have not had any contact since.
Last night, my sister called to say that he had contacted her and wanted to get in contact with me. He is now 19 and has a half brother, fathered by the girlfriends partner. I understand that last year this relationship between his mother and step father broke up.
I too have moved on from the circumstances and issues that lead me to depart over 20 years ago. I have married, fathered 2 beautiful daughters and my life has been steady for the last 10 years or so.
The shock is two - fold, as i didn't know any of my family were still in touch with my estranged son.
My initial reaction is that I do not wish to have any contact with my estranged son. The reasons are that i cannot say in all honesty that I knew him during the brief period of time we spent together, I wish to protect my current family from all the hurt and upset that this would cause, and I am a very different person now to what I was back then.
Whilst I cannot see any benefit from this contact, I am able to see that my estranged son may benefit from some contact. He no doubt has un-answered questions, would like to hear my side of things and just generally find out about me.
But I am still concerned. Given that his step father has recently divorced his mother, given his young age (19), perhaps this has brought a natural curiosity to the forefront of his mind. I am concerned that in his mind he may have built me up into something that I am not (for better or for worse), I am concerned about the disappointment he will feel (and anger) when he finds out that I do not wish to maintain any sort of contact with him.
Lastly, there was some doubt all those years ago as to if he was actually mine?? The reason for the doubt is that he has brown eyes and whilst there are always exceptions, normally a child born with brown eyes would have one parent with brown eyes, as this eye colour represents a dominent gene.
Has anyone else out there (either a father or son) experienced this situation and what are your experiences.
I had thought about writing, but words can sometimes be misconvied. Perhaps initially talking on skype or IM might be a good starting point, I don't know.
Thanks
Anon-Father.
Last night, my sister called to say that he had contacted her and wanted to get in contact with me. He is now 19 and has a half brother, fathered by the girlfriends partner. I understand that last year this relationship between his mother and step father broke up.
I too have moved on from the circumstances and issues that lead me to depart over 20 years ago. I have married, fathered 2 beautiful daughters and my life has been steady for the last 10 years or so.
The shock is two - fold, as i didn't know any of my family were still in touch with my estranged son.
My initial reaction is that I do not wish to have any contact with my estranged son. The reasons are that i cannot say in all honesty that I knew him during the brief period of time we spent together, I wish to protect my current family from all the hurt and upset that this would cause, and I am a very different person now to what I was back then.
Whilst I cannot see any benefit from this contact, I am able to see that my estranged son may benefit from some contact. He no doubt has un-answered questions, would like to hear my side of things and just generally find out about me.
But I am still concerned. Given that his step father has recently divorced his mother, given his young age (19), perhaps this has brought a natural curiosity to the forefront of his mind. I am concerned that in his mind he may have built me up into something that I am not (for better or for worse), I am concerned about the disappointment he will feel (and anger) when he finds out that I do not wish to maintain any sort of contact with him.
Lastly, there was some doubt all those years ago as to if he was actually mine?? The reason for the doubt is that he has brown eyes and whilst there are always exceptions, normally a child born with brown eyes would have one parent with brown eyes, as this eye colour represents a dominent gene.
Has anyone else out there (either a father or son) experienced this situation and what are your experiences.
I had thought about writing, but words can sometimes be misconvied. Perhaps initially talking on skype or IM might be a good starting point, I don't know.
Thanks
Anon-Father.
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