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G/friend doesn't believe in sex till after marriage

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
in Sex & Relationships
Hi

Help. My girlfriend doesn't believe in sex until after marriage, shes Catholic. Shes the best thing thats ever happened to me.

To be honest, if a happy marriage were guaranteed, then i'd probably wait. However that simply isn't possible and i can't help but think:

What if i wait 1,2,3 years etc. What if i ask her to marry me and she says no and wants to wait another year, then another year. What if we finally marry and its miserable yet i've spent all that time waiting. What if when we finally get married she has a none existant sex drive?

As i say, if a happy marriage were guaranteed, i'd probably wait. However if any of what i put in the previous paragraph proved correct, i'm not sure i could cope emotionally, i'd have so much hatred towards her it would be unbelieveable, and i'm talking chain saw weilding hatred.

It feels as though by agreeing to wait for sex, i'm in effect handing over control of my life to another person, so much so that she would be able to destroy me emotionally at the drop of a hat should she desire it. Don't get me wrong, to date shes been the most honest, faithful, loving partner i could hope for, but most of us know all too well that people can change very very quickly.

Andy

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey

    Thanks for your comment. We've been together 6 months, i'm 28, shes 25. No, i don't feel sex is essential from the start, after all, i've waited 6 months !!

    The comment you make about:

    'At the end of the day she's unlikely to change her stance on that (rightly so)'

    Is one which bothers me, after all, if its right that she shouldn't change her stance, you therefore agree i should change mine in not wanting to wait?

    Thanks
    Andy
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I wouldnt wait for a woman personally,I know what I want and wouldnt consider it a "proper" relationship if I wasnt sleeping with her.
    Why the hell would you want a boyfriend or a girlfriend if you werent going to be fucking them for years???:eek2: Makes no sense to me at all.Plus,its going to be shit sex when you get down to it and personally Id find it very uncomfortable and full of pressure when we finally got down to it,so god knows how the girl would feel!
    End of the day mate you have to decide whether you want to wait,its your life and you have to do what you want to.You cant live waiting for someone else who may not always be there anyway.
    Good luck with whatever you decide.:thumb:
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    SkiveSkive Posts: 15,284 Skive's The Limit
    I'd wait if the reason was that she wasn't ready, I can understand that, but I wouldn't wait if the reason was marriage.
    Weekender Offender 
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey
    xsazx wrote: »
    I believe everyone has the right to hold whatever values they wish (me being a Christian waiting for marriage), and that should she want to wait she has every right to do so. At the end of the day it's her body and I suppose it will just be something you'll have to "deal with" so to speak, in either determining whether you can obstain (if you think it's worth it) or otherwise not change your stance on needing the sexual fufilment also... but moving on and finding someone else with similar wants. Really comes down to how much she means to you and whether or not lack of sex is too big a compromise to make in a relationship


    Hey

    Thanks again. To be honest, i think its more i feel resentful over the fact that i have to agree to her wants while feeling like mine are being ignored therefore making me feel what i want isn't important to her rather than simply not wanting to wait until marriage.

    Andy
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    personally i find it hard to see how a relationship were the two people's core beliefs towards how "relationships" should be are so different could work. For me, sex is an integeral part of a relationship (well life tbh), and i couldn't wait more than 6 months. I did wait the best part of a year between having the sex for the first time with a partner and then being able to, as the country we were in on the first occation's law's around age of consent were different. But i wouldn't and i don't think i could wait longer than 6 months before having full on sex...without being able to do anything sexual...i think 3 months is a long time.

    i know this sounds harsh, but what do you value more, your values or her? if you are willing to change your's then fine, but i wouldn't...
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If she isn't going to change her mind on this, you're gonna have to ask yourself one question - how important is sex in a relationship to you? For me, it's bloody vital there's plenty of sex in a relationship and I could never go out with someone who wouldn't let me sleep with them until they'd got me down the aisle. If you think differently, you two could work. If you have a similar view to mine however, it's going to be much more difficult.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey there,

    From my point of view, I don't think a relationship with such fundamental differences would work out in the long run. If she takes her Catholic faith so importantly that she's willing to wait 25 years and more not to have sex, she obviously thinks of it pretty seriously and it will affect other fundamental areas of your married life that you wouldn't necessarilly agree with - how to bring kids up etc...This would just cause resentment in both parts. You sound very unsure that the idea of marriage would work out between u guys also - and dont seem to really trust that your relationship is strong enough to endure this - if I were you I would do both yourself and her a favour and end the relationship before compromising each others values causes resentment and heartache on both sides.
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