Home Sex & Relationships
If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.

Not sure how to help my friend

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
First off, apologies for the length...I'm not very good at keeping things brief.
OK. Talking with a friend last night, she told me about some problems she was having in her relationship and I really didn't know how to help so thought I'd pass it over to you guys...
Basically she lives with her boyfriend in a rented house, they've been together for about 5 years now I think. Their relationship's generally been OK although not without its share of problems - they broke up a few years back but got back together after almost a year apart, this was about two years ago now.
Anyway recently she's been saying things haven't been so great between them, they've been having to work quite hard to sort out problems they've had (nothing majorly serious, but she's got some self-esteem issues and tends to take them out on him and to me it's seemed like he's been taking her for granted quite a lot lately). However they're quite good at communicating when something's wrong and have been trying to make things better.
Last night though my friend said her boyfriend's been a bit funny with her lately, seeming quite distant at times and a little bit short, making some digs at her which he said were meant to be jokes but weren't that funny. She also found out that while she was away for a few days lately, he had a female friend over, drinking in their flat with him until 5am. This friend has been the source of some paranoia for my mate in the past as she knows this girl and her boyfriend fancied each other in the past, although he's always sworn that he just sees her as a sister-type now and that nothing could ever happen between them as it would be weird. However, because of this girl coming round while my friend was away, and her boyfriend being a bit strange lately, paranoia got the better of her and she ended up going through his text messages.
What she found was a bunch of messages to and from this girl, saying that they miss each other, that they're trying not to contact each other but finding it difficult, and one from him saying "I just want to see you, all the time". This was a couple of days ago.
Naturally my friend said she freaked about this at first and was adamant she was going to finish it, but now she says she doesn't know whether she should. Apparently things have been better with her boyfriend since this happened, they live together, she said she knows she hasn't been making much of an effort in the relationship lately and she's now thinking perhaps she should fight for her boyfriend and do all she can to save her relationship. She said that at first she was going tell him she'd read his messages and tell him it was over, but now it seems she's frightened to tell him so is going to try and get on with it for the time being and hope it gets better between them...give herself some more time to figure things out and work out what's the best thing to do.
I don't know what to tell her, or what advice to offer. I don't want to tell her to end the relationship, but I'm worried she's just letting herself in for more pain. Anyone got any advice?

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    People may offer better advice than myself, but this is what I'd do in your situation.. personally I'd leave her to get on with it and if things break down just be there to pick her up.

    It's a bit of a difficult one as it'd probably be really helpful for them to talk about this, but there's that strain of admitting she read his private messages.. although in all fairness her bloke kinda gave her reason to.

    How did she find out that he spent time with this girl?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    He told her himself, although not until after it had happened...and he was very funny and off with her right after she got back from being away, which again gave her cause to be suspicious particularly when she found out this girl had been round.

    I think your advice is pretty good, cheers :) It's just hard watching her have to go through this and wanting to help but not really being able to.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think it sounds a little bit suspicious to be honest. The fact that she's read these messages, knows the girl was round their house and they were drinking I'm not surprised she freaked.

    But yeah, I know these things are difficult, I just think if you get too involved in these situations it might cause further strain and you could even lose a friend. A friend she'll definitely need if shit ever does hit the fan!
Sign In or Register to comment.