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My husband visits porn sites and I don't like it

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
To make a long story short, my husband has been visiting porn sites for quite some time. I never knew it and I guess, what I didn't know didn't hurt me, BUT, now I know and I feel that everything makes sense know. I am the kind of women who really likes sex and would have it daily if we could but I have been turned down from him soooooo many times it's sick. Now, I realize when he gets home from work after a 12 plus hour day and almost an hour drive to and from work, that he is tired. Sex to him is work. I am more than willing to do the "work" though. Well anyway, we have talked about his "activities" online and how much it bothers me, why he does it and so on. He says that he's just being a boy and it's free and it's there. Yes, we still have sex, but I always initiate. He says that he loves me and thinks I'm beautiful and it's not like he is going to leave me in search of one of these women, but I just can't help it, it makes me crazy. I have gone behind him after he leaves and looked at what he's looked at and now that we have talked about that, he deletes his history. I go downstairs every morning on my treadmill and bust butt to better improve myself, for myself and for him, but it kills me that while my girls are asleep and I'm downstairs, he's online viewing porn!! He says it's because of my low self esteem, but I am not so sure about that. I'm 5.3", 122#, have had two kids and look pretty good. Sure I could tone up some more, but I am presently working on it. I do feel that everytime I'm in a bra and underwear or naked in front of him that he is thinking about them and I'm not sexy and hard or have the big boobs like the other women. I guess that is low self esteem but I can't help feeling that way. He may not be viewing these sites daily but the thought of him viewing them and getting hard watching them is sickening to me. I just wish he would stop, but he won't (we've talked) and I wish that I could just get past my feelings about this. I know he loves me, but I hate that he likes to look at other naked women being @#cked, liked, etc.... I hate that I get sick to my stomach, shaky and feel icky about this. Someone please give me some advise.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    1st; he is attracted to you for who you are so get that nailed to your head so your confidence will go up :)
    2ndly; have you thought about watching porn with him? It may help spice up your sex life
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Listening Ear
    Hey Patti,
    You've done well to ask for advice on this because the situation you find yourself in is really common given how readily available porn is on the internet these days. It's natural to feel miffed by the idea of a partner getting off on these kinds of images, but at the same time, one of the easiest ways to get passed it is to accept that there's usually a massive separation between someone's responses to porn and the relationship they have with their partner. This includes how they view their partner on an emotional and physical level.

    Porn is generally used as a masturbation aid, and coming from the stance that masturbation is a shameless act which allows an individual to explore their fantasies in a safe and uninhibited way, people often don't take kindly to being told how they should go about it. These articles may help you to feel a bit better about the whole thing and see that you're far from alone in your concerns...

    My partner views internet porn

    Can men look at porn and still want their partner?

    Does porn have a place in healthy relationships?

    Take care :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I have and would still watch porn with him. After all, it would be benefiting me as well. He He.... But I just don't get or like the fact that he hides it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Helen, Thanks for your links and your response. I'm really trying to get past it because part of me thinks, "who gives a rats ass that he looks at this stuff. He's with me and he loves me and that's all that matters.", But on the other hand, because I feel that way, I feel there is no reason for him to view it. So hard to cope!!!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Would you rather him watching porn or going out cheating on you? Men simply won't masturbate over their partner everytime their horny, maybe he just wants to see some of his fantasies/fetishes online?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I told my girlfriend from the outset that there would be porn on my laptop history etc. It means she doesn't get any nasty frights when she goes to type www.facebook in the URL bar and sees www.facialbook popping up instead. ;)

    facialbook is not a real wesbite for all those who go to check it out now
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Listening Ear
    Patti1432 wrote: »
    So hard to cope!!!

    Yes, it is a toughie and it can take some time to get your head round, but as long as you are still getting the attention you need then it's something lots of couples get past. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No I wouldn't want him cheating on me and he says he's not masturbating to it. No I'm not that gullable, but I have been with him for 22 years and I know that the guy is good for only one orgasm per day. Sad, but oh so true. I know that when he's looked at the stuff in the am, and then in the afternoon, I hit him up for some sex, he is able to cum and that's proof right there that he hasn't masturbated to it. Anyway, I still don't see the point and don't know if I ever will. I have told him that I will try anything and trust me, I'm the one who is always suggesting new things. There's not much we haven't done. I'm not a boring missionary style person.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    my ex was like that, would rather wank over crap porn than have sex with me. My self esteem took a huge nosedive and i got really really bothered about the porn as its easier to blame something like that or blame yourself than blame your man for some reason.
    I dont think theres anything wrong with porn, but if it starts becoming a preference to sex, then it is a problem.
    i hope you manage to talk about it and get some answers.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    SuzyCreamcheese- Thank you for the kind words. I honestly don't there is anything wrong, per say, with porn but I think he visits too often. Just me though. I mean, what is too often. Once a month is acceptable, maybe. I don't know. I working on my issues though. Thanks again for the words.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Addict wrote: »

    facialbook is not a real wesbite for all those who go to check it out now

    Damn, was just about the check that out :D
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Patti, I really have to agree with you.

    What he is doing is, at best, insensitive and at worst completely disloyal.

    It's one thing to look at porn, another to look at it together but a completely different scenario when he is choosing it in preference to his relationship with you.

    Sadly I cannot offer you any words of wisdom on how you handle it because it seems that you already have done what I would suggest.

    Have you thought of applying electrodes to his gonads?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Man of Kent~ I love your suggestion!! How do you think I might get him to sit still long enough to apply those electrodes?? LOL!! Love It!!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Patti1432 wrote: »
    Man of Kent~ I love your suggestion!! How do you think I might get him to sit still long enough to apply those electrodes?? LOL!! Love It!!

    While he's watching the porn? :p

    Seriously though, I don't have any helpful advice, but good luck. I hope you and he can work it out.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Patti1432 wrote: »
    but I have been with him for 22 years and I know that the guy is good for only one orgasm per day.

    I guess you are on the winning side with once per day after 22 years of partnership.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Patti1432 wrote: »
    but I have been with him for 22 years and I know that the guy is good for only one orgasm per day. Sad, but oh so true. I know that when he's looked at the stuff in the am, and then in the afternoon, I hit him up for some sex, he is able to cum and that's proof right there that he hasn't masturbated to it.

    Hmm have you thought about suggesting the magic blue pill for him? I hope for your sake you have a wide range of vibrators at hand! :)

    Cant' really offer advise it's unlikely anything you do or say will change he's ways. You clearly love this guy and have put up with he's habit for many years, guess you have to ask yourself is it worth being upset about something you can't change?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No. You're right, Harmless, but, he has said, (this weekend we talked) that it's free entertainment, he likes to look at other beautiful women, naked and it hurts me, ya know. It just breaks my heart. He says that it has nothing to do with me. He knows how I am about sex, I'd have it everyday if I could, but he just likes to look and of course he gets aroused. Now, he "says" that he has masturbated to it probably since I went away for a weekend last summer. Do I believe him? Absolutely not. I'm supposed to go away again this summer for the weekend with the girlfriends again and it makes me not want to go. I hate this. Also, he's the kind of guy where viewing this once a week is good enough for him, meaning, he's satisfied then and doesn't have the "need" for sex. If I didn't initiate, we'd never have sex. Of course he states all of his actions are completely normal, but it's hurtful to me. He says I have "jealousy" issues. But come one, who loves that fact that their husband is watching porn, getting hard and/or masturbating to it. Especially when they don't initiate sex with their wife because they are too tired from long work days and the drive to and from work. I told him it really hurts me to know that he knows this hurts me, yet he still does it and basically says, "f You, I don't care what you think or feel, I'm doing it anyway, because that's what I want to do." Makes me feel sick and I do wish that I could be that person that says, "f it, I don't care what he does." But, it affects me and I don't like it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You have to admit to having a "problem". You need to tell him that it hurts, not because you're jealous, but because you feel neglected, or insecure. You have to admit that what he's doing is not intrinsically wrong, but that you need to be reassured to help you feel more confident and safe.

    Him stopping doesn't change the way you feel about him doing it, it just means you don't have to face it. And wouldn't it be worse, if he said he stopped and you caught him, instead of saying why it bothers you, being vunerable, and then not needing to hide anything.

    It's harder to be honest i think, but better for you two in the long run.

    edit: Just to let you know, I'm not having a go at you, everyone has something that's a "problem" for them that wouldn't be a problem with someone else.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Fiend~ Thank you for your kind words. It's just so difficult to deal with. Part of me wants to say, "screw him, he's lucky to have someone like me. I'm beautiful, have a damn good body after two kids (granite, with the weight loss, there went the boobs) I look very, very good. This is why I can't see the "need" for him to look and especially ANY need for him to ever masturbate to it. I am here and he knows I am MORE than willing. Then I wonder, what's wrong with me? It sucks. He says I'm beautiful, even hot, that my body looks the best it ever has and yet, ugh...........
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hmm without trying to get your back up....have you asked him why he does it?

    Could be he feels 'safer' doing it than shagging you.

    You got two options really....either learn to live with it or 'pretend' to learn to live with it and not moan or nag him about it and hope he stops doing it so much and does you instead! :)

    Or you could just disable/cut internet connection so he can't looka t porn :lol::p

    Thing is you need attention and your crying out for it at moment. In way you need to lock it down a bit. It's just your wounded ego making you act out, face facts that he loves you and wants you but just likes to wank too. You could grab the bull by the horns and try control when he does it....sort of turn it into a 'fun' game?

    Two things will happen if things don't change. You'll get bored and cheat or he'll leave you because your on his case too much. Hope you find a nice solution where everyone wins!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I just had to create an account to say this. . .

    Your husband is an asshole. I feel bad for you. Women just do not have to put up with juvenile pricks. When are females going to fully understand this?

    He says he likes to look at other women naked. End of story. How could you even bring yourself to become intimate with someone who gives you a bullshit line like that?

    He doesn't care about how you feel.
    He doesn't care about you.
    Don't let him, and others, fool you.

    Be strong.

    Self-absorption soars to dizzying heights. . .
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    6 Months late perhaps?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    MrG wrote: »
    6 Months late perhaps?

    LOL! I just noticed the date :)
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Listening Ear
    CoolMe wrote: »
    LOL! I just noticed the date :)

    I'll close it now. :)
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