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I am bit lonely, need some good friends

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi,
This is my first post also I am not English so sorry for any mistakes.
I feel bad and alone. I think that I am nice person but I have problems finding friends (good friend - to have a good time) When I was at school I was popular and happy but I also liked my own space . But then we have moved (I was 13ish) and since then I have never fitted in, I was bullied at college and I became very conscious and suffered with luck of confidence. I have learned that I have to look tough to get through to get somewhere in live but
I cant find any friends. I am married. But I feel that I am missing so much in my life not to have friends. I am caring but maybe to intense or boring I don't know. I don't think that I am stupid but maybe I am not clever either to be interesting enough.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Is there any courses you could do at a local college? maybe in the evening.
    You could meet people there and you'll all be in the same situation, new and not knowing anyone yet. It's a great place to meet new people.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thanks,
    I am 30 now and I am trying very hard to meet more people, (taken dancing lessons, ice skating and art course too) I had job now I have my own bussines (but its just doing OK). I tried to not be desperete about it and take my time thinking that it will slowly comes but its been 5 years and I have about 2 people around that I see sometimes but not often enough.I don't know why it is this way but I was introduced to some people on Friday and I realy got on with one of the guys (artist) and he liked me and I just realised at that point how hungry I am for a fun friendships and how scared I am of rejection. This guy is so intersting and he liked me a lot initialy but I don't think he wants to hung up to much with me now he got to know me more so I feel like I have lost the oportunity to have a friend. I feel a little like a freek. On outside everyone thinks that I am very strong and succesfull (even that I don't lie about my those things but I have this confident apereance) but inside I am just a scared little desperate girl.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You'd be surprised at how many people lack friends. I'll probably rambel, had a few :p So I'm sorry for that. I always get a little soft spot for posts like this. I thought I was the only one who had nobody, who found it impossible to find friends and I couldn't take it. I was fine in school and all that jazz, but then I moved. I had a few friends, made a few friends and all was good. But then I changed my hobbies and my life around and I lost and/or cut contact with everybody I knew. For nearly two years the only social contact I had was with my boyfriend and his friends. I wanted nothing more than girlfriends. But I have awful anxiety, I wasn't comfortale joining groups or clubs and I couldn't imagine how to find friends, especially since all the options people would give were "well go out and find some, go talk to people, go join a club... I had a job, I was in school and that didn't work and doing the other suggestions was just not something I was comfortable with and really felt that it was physically impossible for me to do.

    So I met somebody online. I had had enough of being lonley. I actually went on craigs list and there were so many other women out there just looking for friends. New to the area, all their friends are married with children, lost contact with everybody... lots of people with lots of different reasons. Just seeing and realizing that made me feel so much better. I thought maybe it wouldn't be that hard to make friends because its much more common than I ever thought it was.

    I even keep trying to go out and meet with a group of knitters in the area I have found online... but I can't quite get myself to do that yet :p

    Not too helpful, I'm just saying there are alot of different places. You could even make a friend at the bar! I'm sure groups are a good idea if you have the courage and confidence to do that. That way you already know you have something in common. You can meet other people in need of friends online too. When I made contact with one girl, we ended up going out to eat with several other people who contacted her. Three of us get along really well and go out quite often now. So even meeting one person could lead you to meet so many others in the process :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I am glad that you managed to find few people, its guite reinsuring in a strange way to hear simmilar story athough I know how bad it feels and I do not wish to enyone to have to eperience this. I have one or two so caled friends from Iceskating but I don't quite like to be around them that much.Its like I am looking for a connection rather than just enyone will do. But untill this Friday I did not realised what I am missing. I had so much fun and I felt very good but this guy has his own live and friends and he was more fun for me I am sure that I was for him. So I feel quite empty now at the same time my business is slow now and part of the marketing ideally would be to go and meet as many people as posible in order for them to be awere of my company but I don't know enyone so I can't even do that. I don't feel that I am good in enything enymore. I had a business partner and she has deccided to go back home for 6 months so I am alone at the moment and I feel that it must be my fucked up personality that again made her to run away. If you beeing likable and nice and easy going people don't run away from you? So it must be me. I do feel a little that its too hard and I have tried very hard and maybe that live , my live is pointles and without any real purpose so it woud be easier if I just stop trying and give up. I also tried to get use to beeing just on my own but it feels realy wrong. I manage but I do feel shit about it. Whats wrong with me!!!!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Why do you think your personality is bad? Different people are attracted to different kinds of people.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think its just the fact that I am not managing to make things change in my live even that I am trying.I would like to be liked, have a fun, care for others and be appreciated and yes independent financially. And I am not. I know that we all want that in different ways but I have always tried and I have never gave up trying but then you look back reflect and realise that there is a pattern of loneliness, failiour and that I have only got that far more hurt and empty than before and with huge amount of pretending to others that I am strong, positive and capable person and in reality nobody knows you at all. (experience told me that being venerable gets you absolutely nowhere). So I guess that I just figured out that it must be me that's wrong. I don't want to compare my self but the people that I like to be around are simply very different than me, fun, independent, creative with groups of friends and quite successful in their own way. And that make me feel more bad then anything else. I think.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't see how that means you have a bad personality. Failure is not a bad thing at all, since it motivates us and triggers us to succeed. I sometimes think that even if we don't achieve our goal in the end, the struggle itself would reap rewards.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think that I have this mental link. If I fail to make friends, be interesting , have fun, be independent ..... then that must mean that I am bad. You right that we should keep trying and sometimes the process its self should be rewarding. And keep positive and realistic about ourselves. But somehow the fact that I feel rejected by the people that I like and find interesting makes me feel like a bad person. If I was not then they would like me too. No? Maybe I am not able to explain it properly.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well, and without stating the obvious, no one has to like anybody else since no one owes us anything else. There are people i do not like, but that doesn't mean they are inherently unlikeable. I doubt anybody truly is.

    You say you're married, so why not hang about with your husband and his friends? It's just a suggestion.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    he does not have any. I know it sound weird but he is not going out kind of guy and like to stay home. As I had not real friends since 14 then I thought that I am also not very outgoing and for while it was fine. But I know that I do really miss having some life outside the marriage and work and share it with other people. I also know by having people around me that like me would give me huge confidence. I can if I have to entertain myself. I would work, read, horse ride and other stuff but I can feel inside that there is huge gap and something is missing. I can't help feeling it even if I try.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What about joining a walking club? I think in England it's called "Rambling". I find a good walk helps relieve tension and makes me feel better. But joining an outdoor club like this will put you among people who would be kind to you, I'm sure. :)


    Poppi
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I have devised my action plan. I have gathered the remains of my confidence and last bits of my positive attitude. I have decided that I will give it final shot before I fully give up on me. Mainly thanks to replies and advice from some people to ilipintt's old threads. Just thinking about it makes me nervous and terribly insecure but I will not give up on me just yet. I am going to my GP on Friday and will ask for therapy, I have booked myself to self development course, asked to volunteer for Samaritans (they did help me last week when I was really really low) and dog trust. I will also join dancing club and tonight I am going to a gallery. I feel physically sick just thinking of going but I am taking a deep deep breath every time that I could feel panic attack is approaching. Wish me luck and thanks for advice all of you. xxx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It sounds as if you do have great people around you that you could class as friends but seem to be finding it difficult to feel connected to them. Relax a little and let your feelings flow, finding friends isn't hard it's just being able feel the connection without presuming that you are not making friends.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It sounds as if you do have great people around you that you could class as friends but seem to be finding it difficult to feel connected to them. Relax a little and let your feelings flow, finding friends isn't hard it's just being able feel the connection without presuming that you are not making friends.

    Maybe? There is something true about it.But i think it is important to feel connected and good around people no? I personally would like to be more fun and have more fun. And be liked.
    I think this need was triggered by the guy that I have met two weeks ago. The connection was quite immediate and I had a great fun with a superb person that I liked very much. But I think that I have clearly mistaken feeling of friendship with love.I feel more for him :heart: and I would like more to continue but its not possible. And cos I was so confused in my head and pushed it a little I don't think he likes me any more at least not the same way.(proves my point that people only like me first time and then when they get to know me they loose the interest in me)
    But anyway it showed me that he is popular and liked by huge amount of people and also fun guy to be around. Now I have experienced it and comparing it to my secluded self I feel that really this is it. That's how I would like to be and this is type of life that I would like to live. Not to be alone, unpopular, detached, unsuccessful and unwanted by anyone. I am not making it up guys and I know that some people are much worse of than me and I am trying to feel better about my self but all I can see is lonely person that not many people like. :crying:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You only met the guy two weeks ago, how do you know he doesn't have his own issues
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You only met the guy two weeks ago, how do you know he doesn't have his own issues

    but would it change anything? I felt great next to him and he does not really want to get involved with somebody like me. Even if he has some problems, the package is still attractive for me I would be pretty much happy to be around if he wanted me to be. If he has issues he is still honest, nice, very much respected, confident guy doing very well in his field and very much liked by others. So my guess is that he is doing pretty much fine and that in my eyes he is great. Also I do obviously feel like shit as he is not keen on me so much any more.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I am bit lonely, need some good friends

    Hi Edis,

    Welcome to the boards - online is a great way to meet new people! :)

    Its great to hear that you have many practical plans to get out there and meet new people, that's often something that people can't do and you're already doing it so that shows you that you can do it, scary though it is!

    I think perhaps you might be putting a lot of pressure on yourself to become friends with people too quickly. Friendships are like seeds, they need time and space to grow and sometimes people can be put off if they feel you want to get to know them too quickly. People can grow suspicious of people's motives, sad but true. So don't feel that just because new people back off sometimes or that they aren't coming over for dinner straight away that they don't want to be your friend - most of the time they do but want time to get to know you properly.

    I think you might find the following advice links helpful. They link to articles that have been written to try to help people in your situation and could probably give you some reassurance that everyone finds meeting new people difficult and scary. This link talks about meeting new people http://www.thesite.org.uk/sexandrelationships/familyandfriends/friendships/makingnewfriends and this one http://www.thesite.org.uk/sexandrelationships/familyandfriends/friendships/makefriendsonline talks about meeting people online and how to build online friendship.

    If you're considering meeting up with some people you've met online, then its a really good idea to read this link http://www.thesite.org.uk/sexandrelationships/familyandfriends/friendships/meetingoffline as it gives you some sensible precautions to take to stay safe.

    Above all, keep trying and be patient as instant friendships are very rare, most of us meet someone new and get to know them and become their friend gradually after meeting up lots and sharing experiences. Even if your latest effort doesn't get you the results you want, please keep trying and gradually it will get better for you. Its also good that you're speaking to your GP about how you feel as they can often recommend places and community groups that you might not know about.

    You mention that you're not from the UK, have you tried getting in touch with a social group from the country you're from? If there is one in your area this can really help as they know exactly how hard it is to be in a different world making friends.

    Good luck and keep posting here to let us know how you're getting on!

    Lisa
    :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Edis wrote: »
    but would it change anything? I felt great next to him and he does not really want to get involved with somebody like me. Even if he has some problems, the package is still attractive for me I would be pretty much happy to be around if he wanted me to be. If he has issues he is still honest, nice, very much respected, confident guy doing very well in his field and very much liked by others. So my guess is that he is doing pretty much fine and that in my eyes he is great. Also I do obviously feel like shit as he is not keen on me so much any more.

    What makes you think he doesn't want anything to do with you? As the moderator above has said friendships take time. You shouldn't expect too much from someone you barely know, also never give up trying but always be yourself and don't feel you have to change to fit in.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thanks for that Lisa J you are probably right that it feels that I am trying to fast. I did tried for about 5-6 years to take my time and I have been quite patient and relaxed about it thinking it will come. But it didn't. So when I have met the guy some others I felt like this is my only real chance that I have to become close with someone. So desperation is probably a good word.I'll have a read through the links today I am sure it will give some advice. This is something quite good about me, I do take advice well I think.Still it did not help me greatly in past so lets hope this time I am on right track.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What makes you think he doesn't want anything to do with you? As the moderator above has said friendships take time. You shouldn't expect too much from someone you barely know, also never give up trying but always be yourself and don't feel you have to change to fit in.

    the fact that when we have met (3times) first two times it was great and we were quite close (little bit intimate) and the last time it did not felt right.I have txt him few times (between our 3rd meeting which was organised on our first meeting in advance) if he wants to go for drink or carnival but he was to busy so I assume that the magic has gone.
    He was not same towards me on the last meeting although he was still polite and friendly I felt a huge distance and he did not suggested to go out again (on our first meeting he suggested the second and the third meeting).
    I agree that one should not have to pretend to fit in but if you are friendless for good 15 years than one would guess that something must be wrong with either you or your attitude or approach so a change might be necessary I think . Although Its easier to actually talk about the change rather then to do it. And also to figure out what to change is a tricky part.
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